Hockey Mom and Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin warned us she was a dog.

She just misled us as to the kind of dog.

Palin’s no “pit bull” with “lipstick.”  She is actually a Beverly Hills Chihuahua. 

Like Chloe, the Chihuahua in Disney’s fable, Palin enjoys designer clothes, designer eyeglasses, high-line make-up and hair-do’s, matching luggage, and a bit of bling at all times.  And like Chloe (who has a wealthy owner), Palin didn’t pay.  Palin’s benefactor is reportedly the Republican National Committee (RNC), which legally paid for her grooming and tanning. But the expenses she billed for her family, her own pricey wardrobe, and at least 13 suitcases to carry it all away in are questionable under Federal Election Commission (FEC) rules. 

Exactly how does the IRS classify a French pedicure as a campaign expense?  Are rimless Kawasaki Duo unisex eyeglasses and peekaboo toed Naughty Monkey red high heels legitimate business deductions?  When GOP lawyers figure it out, they can write a book on figuring income taxes that many, many women will buy.

I kid you not.

Palin and her brood entered a gray area by running up those bills.  Are the luxury geegaws and attire gifts?  Or are they types of income?  Can the RNC use campaign funds to pay for Palin’s hoard? 

Palin is a failed candidate, and if she were a man, she’d likely have escaped scrutiny.  Usually, attention to spending only attaches once national office is achieved.  And then, it almost always attaches to the spouse.  Jacqueline Kennedy’s couture wardrobe and Mary Todd Lincoln’s extravagant sprees on 300 pairs of gloves only stirred public interest after their husbands’ elections to the presidency.  But unlike Palin, Jackie and Mary abused personal rather than party coffers. 

What of women who are not wealthy?  Again, the women involved in fashion issues have been leaders’ wives.  The IRS investigated former First Lady Nancy Reagan’s collection of valuable Valentinos, de la Rentas, and impressive jewelry.  Although Nancy claimed she’d either “borrowed” or had been gifted these gowns from the designers, the IRS claimed Nancy’s luxuries were income, especially after James Galanos boasted that Nancy’s wearing his dresses had significantly boosted sales.  The IRS argued that the Reagans had benefited financially from elegant appearances, and claimed this benefit could be calculated and taxed even if Nancy gave the clothes back or donated them to the Smithsonian.  And questions arose about whether her freebies violated the Ethics in Government Act. 

Rumor-mongers whispered that Nancy’s best friend, Betsy, wife of department store mogul Alfred Bloomingdale, had also helped Nancy acquire freebie designer attire.  Alfred briefly diverted attention from Nancy’s wardrobe by dying, after which his 18-year-old mistress filed a palimony lawsuit claiming that Alfred had showered her not only with love but with a costly wardrobe, jewelry, cosmetics, cars and matching luggage, all of which she needed more of.  While Alfred’s paramour was murdered shortly after announcing plans to write a sexy tellitall and claiming that she had videos of Alfred and influential GOPers to back it up, the Reagans’ story ended less dramatically: After years of wrangling, the IRS presented them with a back-tax bill in the low millions.     

All of which goes to show that our grandmas were right when they warned us girls: “Never let a man buy you anything personal until you are engaged.  Or else, people will presume negative things about you.”  That is why, in “Pretty Woman,” the hotel manager tells Julia Roberts’ prostitute character to refer to her rich “benefactor” as her “uncle.” 

It is socially acceptable for your husband and male relatives to spend $180,000 on frocks, jewels, beautification necessaries and coordinated baggage for you.  But not unrelated men.  People might think you’ve danced the hootchie-kootchie dance with some rich benefactor like Alfred Bloomingdale, and then they won’t vote for you.

And even if your benefactor turns out to be the RNC, well, what is the RNC anyway but a bunch of wealthy rich uncles?  And regardless of whether you have one rich uncle or a hundred, the IRS will find a way to make a federal case.

Palin, ever the barky Chihuahua, now blasts the evil “gotcha” media for reporting anonymous leaks that she is an ignorant, self-serving diva shopaholic.  Palin called her detractors “cowards” for hiding behind their anonymity.

For once, Palin got it right.  In an avowed democracy that has not lost its vitality, anonymity is for cowards.

But anonymity doesn’t mean that the cowards got it wrong.

A street-smart politico would have just stuffed a cute little Beverly Hills Chihuahua into one of Palin’s Vuitton handbags.  And when the GOP lawyers arrived to take back the Vuitton bag, Palin could protest, “But that is Kootchie Koo’s home!  And that stylish necklace is Kootchi Koo’s collar!” 

Cue the dog, and let the cameras roll.  I bet they let her keep it all. 

by Sarah Whalen who is a freelance writer and a contributor to Bayoubuzz.com

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