Re-writes are different from transformations, which are actual changes that are real. Marilyn Monroe from Norma Jean Baker was a transformation.
Re-writes are revisions. Don’t like the ending where the hero dies? Re-write it! Don’t like the ending where the cheating wife reluctantly gives up her Fabio lover and mournfully returns to her dead marriage? Re-write it! Think it’s too predictable that the aliens will invade Earth? Re-write it!
This is what Prince William, Kate Middleton, and their handlers are doing.
Except that what they are re-writing is history.
And history is usually more difficult to re-write, mostly because people have memories and opinions. But these soften and even dull with time.
A recent re-write is now underway for William and Kate’s upcoming state visit to India and Bhutan. We are told, endlessly and breathlessly, that the Royal Wardrobe is being packed by the Royal Packers; the Royal Undies are being carefully selected and folded by the Royal Undies Inspectors; that the Royal Nannies are preparing the Royal Children to use the Royal Skype; that the Royal Middleton In-Laws will be “on call” to help out with the Royal Children and the Royal Nannies; that the Royal Plane is being readied for its Royal Passengers; that the Royal Retainers have already made a preliminary trip to India and Bhutan to scout out everything, conduct reconnaissance, and make sure that the Royal Vehicles used by the Royal Couple are in good order.
Because fatal car crashes can happen anywhere, anytime, to anyone.
And let’s not forget the most important thing– that Taj Majal do-over.
This is a major re-write.
And the Royal Couple has not even left Britain yet!
But the re-writing has begun in earnest.
What are the Royal Re-Writers re-writing? This: The late Princess Diana’s official trip to India with her then-husband, Prince Charles, back in February 1992 , which churned the Royal Divorce Rumor Mill when Diana did two things totally photographed and noted by Royal Paparazzi and Royal Reporters: She dissed her Royal Hubby by turning her cheek away to avoid the Royal Peck at a Jaipur polo match, and she made sure she visited the Taj Mahal alone and by herself, and that the Royal Reporters were reminded of the Royal Husband’s promise, made before he married Diana, that one day he would return to the Taj Mahal with his own wife, and show to her this glorious mausoleum created out of great marital love and passion.
Of course, Prince Charles never actually said WHICH wife he’d be bringing back there– wife number one, or wife number two.
And it is like kismet, because Mumtaz Mahal, the woman who died and lies buried in the Taj Majal– a tomb so spectacular that it is designated a Unesco World Heritage Site– was the Moghul Emperor’s THIRD wife– not his FIRST wife.
And after Mumtaz Mahal died, the Moghul Emperor married three more times.
But for sure, Mumtaz was the Emperor’s favorite wife, and they had fourteen children together to prove it.
You shouldn’t re-write that love story.
But there is a re-write going on, right now, while the Royal Undies Packers are busy washing and folding and packing the Royal Undies away into the Royal Luggage.
In 1992, when Princess Diana was in her “Destroy Prince Charles” mode, she made sure that she not only dodged her Royal Husband’s Royal Peck at the Jaipur Royal Polo Match, but she also made sure that every Royal Journalist and Paparazzi got lots of photos of it. She did the same thing on Valentine’s Day, when she visited the Taj Mahal without Charles, and made sure that every Royal Journalist and Paparazzi got lots of photos of it.
“Look!” Say the photos. “Here I am, alone and forlorn.”
It was a formidable display of Diana’s ability to attack by stealth. And it was a hint that perhaps Prince Charles and his own Royal Media Machine were in need of some brain cells. Maybe Charles’s great great grandfather, Edward VII, could get away with treating his own wife, Queen Consort Alexandra, that way, and keep that feisty Alice Keppel on the side. Queen Consort Alexandra never made public displays, nor did she have a “Destroy King Edward VII” campaign underway. Nor did she take upwards of, oh, eleven different lovers– although palace walls were much better defended in King Edward’s day.
Now, the re-write (courtesy of Newsday) is like this: Prince William “‘feels incredibly lucky to visit a place where his mother’s memory is kept alive by so many who travel there,’ the Cambridges’ communications secretary Jason Knauf told reporters ahead of the trip. It is unclear if the couple will pose for photos at the same bench in front of the medieval monument where his mother was photographed smiling shyly for the camera.”
Maybe “slyly” is more accurate.
“Shy Di” had not been seen in many moons by the time the infamous Taj Mahal photo of Princess Diana sitting on the same bench where her husband had earlier promised to return with the woman he married was taken. By all eyewitness accounts from 1992, by the time Charles and Diana came to India, they were ready to thrash each other. Diana had already taken James Hewitt, James Gilbey, Barry Mannakee, and Oliver Hoare and other men as lovers. More significantly, by the time she went to India with Charles, Diana had already been collaborating almost a year with hackist Andrew Morton and her former boyfriend, Dr. James Colthurst, to write “Diana: Her True Story,” and this vivid tome’s purpose was largely to destroy Prince Charles’s right to succeed his mother on the throne, to make Diana look like a distressed-princess victim, and to press Diana’s claim that the succession should skip Charles and go straight to Prince William, with Diana as a co-regent with someone like Prince Andrew.
You remember Prince Andrew– the fellow implicated with his good friend, Jeffrey Epstein, in sexcapades with underage women who appear to be semi-professional sex professionals, groomed by a spooky Epstein entourage minder whose own father was mired in scandal and corruption and ended up naked and dead, floating around in the Mediterranean Sea.
Yes, Prince Andrew would have made such an excellent co-regent!
No wonder Queen Elizabeth II would never abdicate. I hope she lives forever, frankly.
Diana’s knife was out for Prince Charles by the time the star-crossed couple went to India.
Now, eighteen years after her untimely and mysterious death in 1997 following a car crash in Paris, the Royal Re-Write is on.
Instead of Princess Diana’s Royal Backstabbing Spree of her Royal Husband, the Royal Press Spinners’ official Royal Re-Write is that the Taj Majal is “a place where [William’s] mother’s memory is kept alive by so many who travel there.”
How is that done, exactly?
Do they sit on the same little bench as Princess Diana? Point their knees the same direction?
Well, I have not yet been to the Taj Mahal. Here, in South Louisiana, there is an excellent Indian restaurant with a wonderful buffet called the “”Taj Mahal,” and I adore their chicken tandoori and all the different breads. And I have some CDs of Taj Mahal, the blues musician, who is one of my favorites. And I once drove by Donald Trump’s “Taj Mahal” casino while heading to a funeral in New Jersey. But this is as close as I have ever come.
And still– still, I can see the British Royal Re-Write in action, all the way from here in this hot and humid colonial outpost.
Prince William is not much liked in Great Britain now, mostly because of his laziness and curious sense of enormous, unchecked entitlement that far outstrips anything his parents did. The public dislike of his wife, Kate Middleton, has a lot to do with her grasping family and their relentless self-promotion, as well as her, uhm, how to best put this...her sheer ordinariness, which, in the glare of the internet, is a lot less charming that it might have been in the Queen Mother’s day. And also the fact that she is lazy, and did not hand out the tiny shamrocks to the Irish Regiment or give the Royal Irish Wolfhound Regimental Mascot a friendly pat on St. Patrick’s Day.
Refusing to pet the Regimental Irish Doggie on St. Patrick’s Day?
That is worse than Diana’s dodging her Royal Husband’s Royal Peck at the Jaipur polo match on Valentine’s Day!
Prince Charles, after all, is a thinking person, whereas the Regimental Irish Doggie is just a good doggie who lives to be petted and fussed over.
So, Prince William and Kate Middleton, popularly known as the Duke and Duchess of Do-little, are off on a passage to India. Maybe on the way, they can think of another, better way to “keep Prince William’s mother’s memory “alive” than posing predictably at the tomb of another woman, now long dead.
But maybe, just maybe, Kate will wear one of those ridiculous frothy transparent mini-dresses she normally favors, and the cameras will click as the Indian winds whip up her skirt and show us all her Royal Naked Backside, with the elegant Taj Mahal as a mere backdrop to the Royal Naked Backside.
Or Her Royalness Kate Middleton might even break through the fourth wall and just go right ahead, stand in front of the Taj Mahal, and treat her relentless audience to the Royal Moon. Now, that would not be nice for either conservative Hindus or Muslims, but it would be typical for the Lazy Duo.
But this time, making a Royal Moon might break the curse of the Taj Mahal that Princess Diana left as a large part of her legacy, freeing the little boy she tragically left behind.
And that is the best kind of Royal Re-Write.