If Kate wasn't a royal (pain), would anybody care about Pippa Middleton's diet? Slim Chance!
Written by  // Friday, 29 April 2016 12:25 // News//
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Can a normal person eat “three square meals a day” and become a skinny-minny like Pippa Middleton?

Why, of course!

You can eat three square meals a day of black coffee, water and air.

And if you are going to run a marathon or climb the Matterhorn or enter and alpine ski competition, why, you can add in a more powerful stimulant of some kind.

But only for the duration, of course.

Come on!

Smoke lots of ciggies if you are still reasonably young.  That hacking cough won’t catch up with you for several decades.  

I mean, see how great Carole Middleton looks?  Not a day over 80!

Pippa Middleton reportedly spilled her daily diet secrets earlier this month in her “Waitrose” column, and Pippa’s daily diet secrets are now popping up all over the internet. 

Come on!  Check it out: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/news/a38075/pippa-middleton-diet/.

Of course, nobody would be wondering what Pippa eats, except that her skinny-minny sister, Kate Middleton, married Prince William, the heir of the heir-presumptive to the British throne.  But now, suddenly, people cannot get enough of the black coffee, water, air and ciggies diet.

If you get really, really hungry, you can add in things that Pippa claims she actually eats: “Brown rice, lentils, quinoa and sweet potato, and for breakfast, porridge and rye toast.”

It sounds kind of repetitive.  I mean, isn’t porridge some kind of gluey, gloppy combination of things like brown rice, lentils, quinoa and sweet potato?  To make porridge, don’t you just put all this birdseed stuff into a pot with water, boil it up and...voila!  Le porridge!

Or is it “La porridge?”

And rye toast is just regular toast with long, black flecks of birdseed in it.

The one thing that birdseed porridge and birdseed toast doesn’t look or smell a bit like is eggs and bacon, or bangers and mash, or anything that anyone genuinely hungry would want to eat for breakfast, like an enormous blueberry muffin or a hot, buttery almond croissant.

I myself can’t even begin to THINK about losing weight like Pippa until I have cleared my head with eggs and bacon in the morning.

But Pippa’s diet seems to save a lot of time, especially if you have an active bird feeder in your garden already.

If you have an active bird feeder, you may not even have to go shopping for anything except the sweet potato part.  Just raid your bird seed supply!  Boil it up in the morning, and snack away on it raw at noon and night.

Sounds so...delicious!

Make sure you get a Water-Pick for all that quinoa that will get stuck in your gums.  Yuck!

Makes us long for the days when Princess Diana would wolf down giant steaks and tasty puddings and barf them all up later.  And we all know that this was all Prince Charles’s fault.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I mean, just look at Camilla.

Camilla is a gal who can clearly manage to keep a giant steak and tasty pudding DOWN!

“Waitrose” readers are just a tad confused because, well...because the “Waitrose” magazine is geared towards people who like to eat real food, isn’t it?  I mean, don’t “Waitrose” readers and shoppers like to shop and cook and consume things like osso buco and hangar steak and potatoes Lyonnaise?  Don’t they put real vinaigrette on their salads?  Don’t they use triple-super virgin-virgin olive oil in things?  Real cream in whatever recipe calls for it?  Don’t they make fantasmagorical culinary things like their own sponge cake to layer with whipped cream and homemade chocolate-toffee pudding for Britain’s national dessert, the trifle?  

“Waitrose” used to give great advice on how to make Britain’s national desert, bake your own artisan breads and stir-fry things other than birdseed.

Used to.  In the days before Pippa Middleton came and convinced readers that birdseed is actually cuisine.

As long as you follow it up with a sweet potato.

What is going on?

English cuisine used to be renowned for being horrid, but then the British traveled the world with their empire and began to eat things like curry and really, really good Chinese food, and then the Arabs and Pakistanis bought up almost all the London pubs, Italian and Russian emigres came, and slowly, slowly, condiments like salt and pepper and even pretty high-end cuisine began to creep into the English cooking mindset so that even the ubiquitous, plain-Jane fish and chips entree is now a truly delicious, spectacular dish.  Even the mashed green peas taste so good!

Makes you want to save the newspaper they come wrapped in– it smells so much like...like...like...uhm, like something you’d want to eat again!  Almost immediately.

French and Italian food in England is actually now alive and well and lives in Paddington.  Top-end French food thrives in Mayfair, and very decent, filling, aromatic shwarma is everywhere around London and even in the shires.

This is the main reason I don’t want the United Kingdom to leave the European Union.

I have a deep concern that the quality of cuisine will just tumble down immediately.  The British food industry will just collapse.  Londoners won’t be able to find a decent Camembert for the cheese course, let alone the right kind of crackers.  They will have to content themselves with less high-end extra-extra virgin-virgin  olive oil.  The quality of thin-crust pizza will immediately decline. There will be a high tax on fennel, assuming you can find any.

But regardless of the UK’s EU fate, Pippa Middleton is determined to ruin all this culinary progress and meddle in international politics by pretending that bird seed is actually food-- food that can be daily consumed by humans (as long as they follow the birdseed main course with a sweet potato).

And she is right.  As long as you eat only birdseed and tubers, along with lots of coffee, water and ciggies, you will be thin.

And on her birdseed diet, Pippa will stay thin and rich– two things that the last Duchess of Windsor always said you can’t get too much of.

Birdseed porridge and birdseed toast!  Chomp it all down with black coffee, water and generous helpings of fresh, raw air.

See you on the slopes!

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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