Monday, 23 May 2016 11:23
Give Kate Middleton credit, she plays her show cards even at Queen's 90th birthday
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Give a female monkey a credit card, and what does it do?

Why, it goes shopping and buys that ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket that Kate Middleton wore over a $5,000.00 white lace Dolce and Gabbana dress last week at Windsor Castle, where Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 90th birthday with a huge (as Donald Trump would say) gala celebration full of 900 (count ‘em) galloping horses, waving British flags, singing, narration and play-acting, and flashing lights and stirring music and no sparing the extravaganza. 

And then, just when we thought it was safe to venture out, or just look up, the monkeys attacked– armed with credit cards and craving that ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket.

Two giant ugly, tomato-red plastic buttons and a collar that hasn’t seen the sunshine since the 1930s.

If you have a tree full of monkeys, or a country full of monkeys, or a global internet community full of monkeys, and you give them all credit cards, anthropologists now know with certainty that the monkeys will all go shopping all together at the same time and buy that ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket– all at once, so that it sells out and designers mistakenly believe that they are actually on to a trend.

But all it is, is mass monkey madness.

Monkey-see monkey-do-ness.

Or just call it monkey doo-doo.

Because that is what Kate Middleton’s ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket looks like.

And when ill-granny, uhm, I mean, Kate Middleton, twisted and tied her hair all up in one of those snakey Medusa chignon-thingies and treated us all to that toothy moray-eel grimace that passes for a smile, well, we knew that the monkey doo-dooers would all come out in force, swinging from the trees and taking their charge cards and heading over to the internet or out to the shops to hunt that ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket down.

Check the hospitals and intensive care wards and old folks homes and mortuaries if you can’t find one online or at your local Zara, because there’s a reason it’s called the ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket.  And if ill-granny dies during the night, you might be able to snatch her bed jacket up if you are quick.

Or pop off to Goodwill or the local parish church sale.

Raid your recently-departed much-beloved great-great-grandma’s closet.

The only thing more demented than Kate covering a perfectly beautiful white lace dress with an ugly, tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket is the howling troop of monkey-do doers who grab their credit cards and rush out to buy just what Kate is wearing.  Ambulance drivers heading out on their lunch break may keep stopping to resuscitate monkey do-doers wearing ugly tomato-red ill-granny bed jackets in the mistaken belief that they are expiring in the street, or have wandered away from the hospital, or have become disoriented and lost their housekeys and forgot to take their medication.

These reasons– tying up traffic and ambulances– are a really good reason to ban the sale of ugly tomato-red ill-granny bed jackets except to those with doctors’ prescriptions and yachtsmen who may want to run the ugly tomato-red ill-granny jacket up the yardarm if their vessel is in distress.

Of course, we knew that Kate was wearing her bed jacket as evening wear because she matched her ugly, tomato-red ill granny bed jacket “look” with a pair of dangling chandelier diamond earrings– a combo which made her look especially demented that night.  Like Tennessee Williams’s Amanda Wingfield, eccentrically dressed up to receive and inspect her spinster daughter Laura’s gentlemen callers. 

Why would Kate Middleton cover up a perfectly beautiful dress with an ugly tomato-red ill-granny bed jacket?

There’s only one good reason, and it goes back to the last time Kate wore a tomato-red outfit in the presence of the Queen, and at the Queen’s own Diamond Jubilee celebrations– an event intended to honor Her Majesty and encourage people to celebrate with their monarch: Kate craves attention.

And Kate craves taking attention away from the Queen.

Which is much more creepy than anything Donald Trump has been doing.

At least, lately.

But this habit of Kate’s– taking attention away from the Queen– is an exercise that, sooner or later, is bound to end up in tears, and those will be Kate’s tears.

Being around the Queen at a public celebration is like being around the bride at a wedding.  One wants to dress elegantly, but in a muted, unostentatious style and colors because the public’s attention should be focused not on lesser Royals like Kate Middleton, but on Her Majesty (or the bride).  As the London Daily Mail observed, Kate’s determination “to outshine” the Queen, “the woman at the centre of it all,” is increasingly on display, and increasingly pathetic.  Wrote Amanda Platell: “[T]he Duchess of Cambridge opted for a scarlet dress so bold and bright it just screamed: ‘Look at me!’”

“For a moment,” continued Platell, Kate “could have been confused with the Chelsea Pensioners’ guard of honour. But, no, it was Kate in an outfit as striking as it was inappropriate.”  

“Oh, Kate, what were you thinking?”

Kate was probably thinking, “Oh, what fun!  Look what I’ve done!”

And all the monkeys with credit cards went on a run.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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