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Wednesday, 16 January 2013 16:48
The Kate Middleton topless photos brouhaha balcony baby
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Optimized-kate-midleton-mag2Kate Middleton is expected to give birth “in July,” Buckingham Palace has vaguely announced.

Do they mean in early July?  Count it back now nine months and...did we and the whole world actually see the royal fetus being made?

Is it a balcony baby?

Perhaps we were all there for the conception, via long-lens!

Talk about a close encounter!

Don't be surprised if the baby comes a bit early, as babies often do!

Back in September 2012, when Kate and Prince William were taking their pre-vacation vacation at Viscount Linley’s French chateau, some enterprising paparazzi took photographs of Kate Middleton topless and bottomless as she and William romped with sexual abandon in broad daylight on the chateau's open-air terrace.

Apart from the very blatant photographs of Kate naked, especially the bottomless photographs of William rubbing suntan lotion over her nether regions, rumors persisted that someone had a videotape of the couple engaging in sex in plain view.

It wasn't entirely surprising because, just a few years earlier, Prince William had given the public a fair look at, how to nicely put this...his procreative bits when he pulled his penis out to urinate in public.

But the Royals’ response to Kate Middleton's prancing, naked photographs was so angry, indignant and virulent that, if a royal sex video does exist, nobody is admitting to it.

To do so would be to face Prince William’s wrath, which would certainly include arrest, criminal charges, and perhaps the videographer would become so despondent that they would later be found dead, hanging from their clothes closet, with "goodbye, cruel world!" letters to loved ones all neatly and conveniently written.  Parliament could then meet in closed session, an inquest could be open and then indefinitely postponed, and we would never know what really happened.  

Still, the photos attest to Kate’s nubile friskiness and determination, despite Prince William's apparent determination to take a nap.  And the recent release of a tentative birth month (if not a predicted date) may be designed to defeat persistent rumors that the gestating royal fetus is the product of in vitro fertilization or some other baby-making fertility assistance.

Did I say that we would never know what really happened?

The Palace and Kate and William’s courtiers are being noticeably reticent as to details, and we can only hope that now a chastened public and press will not pry too deeply, or make telephone jokes, so that all the nurses and treating physicians involved with the latest royal enterprise will not feel compelled to hang or otherwise do away with themselves in fear or shame for having offended the high-and-mighties.

One wonders what nicknames may evolve, along the lines of American children called “Chevy” and “Mustang” to commemorate their place of conception.  “Terrace” or “balcony” just don’t seem interesting enough.  How about “Chaise” as in “chaise lounge?”  I’d vote for “Irish” or “Ireland,” the alleged birthplace of the erstwhile snapper who remains, apparently, at large, but the British Royals would never do that.  But “snapper” is actually Gaelic slang for a baby, so that might cover both the paparazzi influence and the photographer’s alleged origins.

Snapper Windsor it is!

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