It’s like the “Beverly Hillbillies.”
Or perhaps it’s more like “The Omen.”
Or maybe it’s a cross between the two.
Do you remember that delightful television show about how Jed Clampett, a backwoods hunter and farmer from some isolated rural clime (likely the Ozark Mountains), accidentally discovered oil (“Texas tea”) on his land, and became a millionaire (back when a million dollars or two actually made one rich)?
Jed loaded his shotgun-totin’ mother-in-law, Granny, his beautiful, naive tomboy daughter, Ellie May, and his clueless but hunky nephew, Jethro, into their rattle-trap truck, along with some goats and chickens, and they moved into a Beverly Hills mansion where they called the swimming pool “the cee-ment pond,” and drove Mr. Drysdale, their avaricious, fawning banker, bonkers. Drysdale’s prim secretary, Miss Jane Hathaway, at first thought that the Clampetts were the servants. Granny made moonshine whiskey and her own lye soap, and they spent hours pondering modern conveniences they’d never seen before, such as a water faucet.
But come, come. The Middletons may be descended from coal miners, but they are way more sophisticated than the Clampetts!
No. The drama unfolding over who will control the upbringing of the anticipated royal baby sired by Kate and Mean Willie is more like “The Omen.”
You remember “The Omen,” where the darkly masculine, handsome-yet-sensitive and very wealthy Gregory Peck was persuaded by a priest to substitute a live but motherless child for the one his beautiful wife, Lee Remick, unknowingly lost in childbirth. Peck was the U.S. Ambassador to the Court of St. James–ooh! That’s where Prince Charles and Camilla live!
See how similar it all is?
Everything seems fine at the Peck-Remick household until the child’s nanny decides to up and hang herself on his fifth birthday.
Did I say that this is familiar?
The name of Ambassador Gregory Peck’s wife in the movie was “Katherine.”
Kate and Willie are amazingly ahead of the movie, because their baby is not yet even born, but the nurse (not a nanny, but close enough) has already hanged herself.
Ooh. I am getting scared now, and we haven’t even come to the threatening Rottweiler yet.
But wasn’t Princess Diana’s pet name for Prince Charles’s then-mistress Camilla “The Rottweiler?”
See how similar it all is?
At the birthday party where the nanny hanged herself, a paparazzo takes a photograph just before her suicide, and immediately the news media is saturated with lurid tales of her mysterious death.
It’s so like right now, isn’t it?
The paparazzo goes home, develops his film, and notices strange, filmy ligature marks around the nanny’s neck that seem to herald her suicide-by-hanging. He also photographs a priest who’s confronted Ambassador Peck, and the paparazzo notices similar marks.
These marks don’t mean anything good, I can tell you that.
Then, the creepy new nanny shows up–Carole Middleton. Uhm, I mean, Mrs. Baylock. Just like with Kate and Willie, nobody appears to have “hired” her. She just arrives, and they let her come into the mansion house, even though just looking at her makes every hair on your body freeze. She goes up to the child and says, “Have no fear, little one, I shall protect thee.”
Can’t you just imagine Carole Middleton whispering that to the royal newborn?
When Ambassador Peck and Catherine take little Willie, uhm, I mean, Damien (that is their demon child’s name) to a church wedding, Damien completely flips out and becomes violent at the sight of the cross. A trip to the zoo’s African savannah area causes the giraffes to run away, and the baboons to attack. Hey–isn’t Africa where Willie proposed to Waity?
So many unexplored links!
Then, things start happening quickly (in the movie). Wife Catherine becomes pregnant but is pushed off a stepladder by Damien, badly injured, and loses the new baby. Then, she is recuperating in a hospital when the evil nanny visits her and she ends up flying out a window, with fatal results. A fallen priest who tries to warn the Ambassador of his foster son’s satanic origins is impaled by an iron rod that was severed by a bolt of lightning. The paparazzo takes a photograph of himself in a mirror that shows an ominous streak forming around his own neck, indicating that he will soon meet a death as horrific as the hanged nanny’s and the impaled priest’s. He persuades Ambassador Peck to travel with him to Rome and Israel, where they follow various clues and learn that Damien is the Anti Christ. And then, at an archaeological dig in Israel they meet Professor Bugenhagen.
Doesn’t that just sound like something Prince Charles would do? Go to an archaeological dig? Yes! In fact, he used to take Camilla to Middle Eastern archaeological digs when he was cheating on Princess Diana with her. See? It’s soooooo similar. And doesn’t Charles know and befriend lots of intellectuals like Professor Carl Bugenhagen? Yes, he does! Remember Charles’s obsession with Sir Laurens Jan Van der Post?
Oh, I’m getting chills. Or is it the willies? Or is it Willie?
Stay tuned! We aren’t even close to intermission yet.