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Wednesday, 11 December 2013 12:13
Growing orange over Pippa Middleton, Nico’s Taj Mahal engagement?
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pippaJust like Kate Middleton’s online moniker became "Waity" because she waited over ten long years to marry her prince, her sister Pippa Middleton’s nickname is "Orangina" because of the strange orangish cast her skin tone takes on when she has either excessively tanned from a cosmetic tube or flitted off to Mustique, or Spain’s Basque country.


And this week, Pippa did not disappoint!

Pippa reportedly jetted off for a quickie-quickie four day visit to India to visit the Taj Mahal, that iconic building of love and passion and death (because it is, in fact, a mausoleum), and instead of a furry little dog in her pricey handbag, Pippa brought her newest beau, Nico Jackson, along to the mausoleum.

Princess Diana fans will recall that this mausoleum was the place where Prince Charles, that erstwhile student of all things perfectly proportioned and harmonious, as the Taj Mahal truly is, once said that, one day, he would visit again with his "wife," but then, back in the clutches of Mrs. Parker-Bowles, his mistress, he took Diana to India but then left her to her own devices, to cleverly but oh-so-forlornly pose in front of the majestic, white mausoleum by herself, to the thrill of ever-eager photographers and readers of "Diana: Her True Story."

Yup. The Taj Mahal. That monument to love and the Moghul king Shah Jahan’s wife.

Wait. I mean, favorite wife.

Wait, wait. I mean, favorite third wife.

Wait, wait, wait. I mean, favorite third wife, Mumtaz Mahal, who died giving birth to their 14thchild.

"Favorite wife" as in Mrs. Parker-Bowles. The woman who will, most likely one day soon, become Charles’s Queen Consort, or Princess Consort, or whatever the opinion poll of the day tells the retainers that they can get away with. And if Prince Charles had been Muslim, as he famously inferred prior to marrying Diana Spencer, he would have been happy to have more than one wife.

Mrs. Parker-Bowles could have been his favorite wife, and Diana would have been our favorite wife, and all would have been well within the Kingdom.

Anyway, the Daily Mail caught Pippa and Nico upon their return to Heathrow Airport where they were pushing a trolley with a rather large amount of bags on it for just a four-day jaunt to the world’s most famous mausoleum. But you’d hardly have recognized them! Pippa looks as though she got a little too deep into the bronzing gel, and then somehow smeared herself onto Nico’s face, which also looked...orangina-ish.

Funny how the Daily Mail said Pippa and Nico were "glowing."

Yup. Maybe the Mail meant "glowing" as one of those orange phosphorescent glo-sticks children walk about with on Halloween night, or that you take with you camping, or what Ecstasy drug users wave about a Rave nights or something.

Glowing like that. Glowing like a visit to Chernobyl.

Nico looked like an aging Clark Kent (without a hint of Superman), or perhaps like the suicided poetess Sylvia Plath’s pipe-smoking poet husband Ted Hughes, or the Professor on Gilligan’s Island reruns, I can’t decide which, shuffling around in grey sneakers with some kind of checkered shirt peeking out from inside his dark pullover. Pippa looked as though she and put on grey pajamas for the flight, and had not yet changed– much more Mary Ann than Ginger. Mr. and Mrs. Howell, the millionaires married couple, stayed home on this trip where they were busy negotiating the final details of their newest deal with Land Rover where they get free cars, or almost free cars, because their other daughter, the one with the crazy-hair sausage curls, balding husband, and baby from who-knows-where, is married to the man they call "Willy" after what he was photographed holding in his hand at a sporting event a while back.

Did I say Mr. and Mrs. Howell?

Better known as the martini-sipping Thurston and Lovey?

Wait, wait, wait.... I mean the other millionaires. The Middleton millionaires. Better known as Michael and Carole–he of the infamous plastic blow-up sumo diaper, and she of the squinty eyes and ubiquitous hats and matchy-matchy clutch bags and shoes. And now, we are getting some insight into how the Middletons’ millions beget more millions, via a once-iconic all-road vehicle originally British but which is now constructed mostly in the Peoples’ Republic of China and...India.

Yes, India. As in Pune, or Poona. Same continent as the Taj Mahal.

See? Conspiracy theorists are right! It’s all related.

Remember how, in front of Paddington’s Lindo Wing, Prince William snapped little baby from who-knows-where into his car seat and drove off in a very nice fleet of black Range Rovers?

Expect to see much more of that kind of thing happening in Range Rovers and Land Rovers because it will help the Middleton’s million beget more millions, while the Middletons themselves persistently keep claiming that the millions and baby millions are all due to their incessant hard work. Hopefully, palace mechanics will have checked everything over before the vehicles are actually driven because, well, because I love Land Rovers, but they tend to have some pesky electrical problems.

But back to the Taj Mahal and Nico and Pippa.

The official rumor is that Nico proposed to Pippa in front of the mausoleum, and she said "yes." One wonders what kind of proposal a man of Nico’s means might make in front of a mausoleum.


Does Nico say something like, "If you marry me, Pippa, I will love you forever as my third and most favorite wife, we will have at least fourteen children, and one day I will enshrine your dead body forever into a white-wedding cake-colored stone tomb?"

It doesn’t sound so romantic....

And if she is truly engaged, then where is Pippa’s ring? When is the wedding date?

Maybe the ring was tucked away somewhere inside all that luggage.

Anyway, all the Daily Mail offers us are 20 photos of orange-faced Nico and Pippa pushing their baggage-laden cart through Heathrow; Pippa looking pop-eyed and sideways at Nico, who is hardly recognizable in his "Clark Kent" dark-framed eyeglasses; Pippa putting on a pashima. Pippa checking her luggage tags. Nico looks like he may have picked up some kind of stomach bug in India because he is rail-thin and haggard-faced and waxy-looking, but since the alleged love birds were only gone four days, that is probably not enough time to even get sick. Just time to leave the airport or train station in Utter Agra, Pradesh, run down to the Taj Mahal, stand in front of the reflecting pool, take a photo snap almost identical to the one of lonely Princess Diana, get down on one knee, offer to build a similar mausoleum as a symbol of undying love, and then back again, trotting through Heathrow, past the fake white and purple Christmas tree and through the double exit doors to the cab stand.

Or make a swing by the Indian Land Rover factory on the way back to the airport, and check out the newest models.

It doesn’t sound so romantic....

Especially because we don’t yet see any evidence of a ring and a date.

But don’t worry, the Daily Mail assures us–a ring and a date are fast approaching!

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail informs us, expect to see yet even more photos of Nico and Pippa wheeling luggage trolleys around Heathrow: "Pippa and Nico made a pact to travel to lots of exotic destinations before walking down the aisle to start a family. There will be lots of trips like this in the coming months."

What will be next? The pyramids? Luxor? The tumuli of Xi’an, China? A stroll through the gardens of Pere Lachaise? The Sufi shrines of Konya, Turkey?

Ah, is an engagement announcement imminent? So many mausoleums, so little time!

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