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Testino's Kate Middleton, Prince William in Love: The reality show

Written by  // Sunday, 19 January 2014 20:53 //

katherine-cakePrince William showed up at Westminster Abbey in some kind of military uniform, and Kate Middleton, aged 29, showed up wearing a long white wedding gown with virginal veil to wed the man she’d been shagging and shacking up with for over a decade.

Remember? It was on television, like a Royal Family reality show.

They stood before a priest and she smirked a bit and he rolled his eyes a few times, just like on a reality show, and the priest said some mumbo jumbo and then Waity Katey smirked some more, and the celebrity world press assures us was "the wedding of the century."

But were Kate and Prince William really in love?

People weren’t exactly sure.

When photographed in public together, the couple looked, frankly, a bit hammered.

Kate continuously flashed her lady parts while getting in and out of cars, and William staggered on the curb of nightclubs while his brother, Prince Harry, collapsed in the gutter on occasion.

As did Kate’s own brother, James, who celebrated Kate’s partnership with the Prince by wearing his sister’s clothes, taking naked photos of himself with other men, and throwing up in the gutter.

When Kate and William finally did break up, officially, the first thing William did was go back to the nightclubs and grab another girl’s breast. .

I think it was a Brazilian bosom.

Remember? I know it happened because I saw the photograph on television, like a Royal Family reality show.

William then jumped up on a London nightclub table, shouted, "I’m free!," and did the robot dance.

Kate then went into full damage-control mode and hooked up with her former school chum, Emma Sayles, who is sort of a pimpette. Emma doesn’t provide women for men who want to pay for sex, she says.

No. It is more complex than that.

Emma says she provides, uhm, venues for sex. Like expensive London town houses and great country estates like the ones William is now taking extra college courses to study, and Emma puts out condoms and masks like people wore in Stanley Kubrik’s "Eyes Wide Shut," and they all go at it like rabbits in a warren, and, and, uhm...Emma ran a charity that involved some of her pimpette associates rowing a boat on the Thames and Kate Middleton turned up amongst the pimpettes and was photographed while....uhm...holding an oar.

Or was she "working" that oar?

Remember? I know it happened because I saw the photograph on television, like a Royal Family reality show.

Then, we watched as Kate Middleton slid in and out of her halter tops and went to a party where she wore a set of bunny ears and promoted a movie called "Rabbit Fever" which is about women who are obsessed with vibrators.

Kate then did something a little more slithery than the robot dance, and while we don’t know who exactly was grabbing her titties, Kate’s own biographer claims that Kate "teased all the boys."

And then, after going to a party together that featured blow-up sex dolls where Kate dressed as a "naughty nurse" and William wore hot pants, vest, and a policeman’s helmet, they decided that they really did belong together.

I know this is true because Kate’s own biographer says so!

So we get the sex part, and we saw the wedding of the century on television,

We know that, somewhat glumly, they got back together.

But are Kate and Prince William really in love?

People aren’t exactly sure.

The couple are only very rarely seen in public together now, and when photographed, the smiles look forced, and the affect is....chilly.

Even standing outside St. Mary’s hospital in Paddington, taking turns holding a bundle that the press assures us contained Baby George, their alleged child, when photographed, the smiles looked forced, and the affect was...chilly.

They took off in nice new Range Rovers, though.

But are Kate and Prince William really in love?

People aren’t exactly sure.

But Mario Testino is sure.

You remember Mario, most famous for his iconic final round of semi-official "Vanity Fair" photographs of Prince William’s late mother, Princess Diana nee Spencer.

To make sure that they looked as good, as thin, and as glorious as he had made William’s mother look in his last session with her, Prince William and Kate Middleton got Mario to take their engagement announcement photos in Buckingham Palace, which Mario was happy to do.

And now, when Queen Elizabeth’s loyal subjects and fans around the world are wondering where the heck William takes off to these days while Kate and the bundle that we are assured is Baby George are living, well, we aren’t sure exactly where, Mario is being trotted out by....by....well....

Honestly, we are not sure who exactly is trotting Mario out to say what he is saying.

But Mario is now telling us that, of course, Kate Middleton and Prince William were in love when they got married.

Of course!

Whatever "in love" means.

And Mario has the pictures to prove it.

Remember?

And it must all be true because we saw those pictures on television, like a Royal Family reality show.

Kate wore a cream-colored dress with that ruffled side-edge she so favors, and because Testino’s photos were so successful and popular, she repeated this outfit but turned it into a suit for the photos taken during the christening of the bundled-up baby we are assured is Baby George, the couple’s own natural child.

Mario didn’t take those photos, and in them, frankly, the Queen looks like she is staring at Kate’s lacy bundle and thinking something...well, thinking something odd, like, "What is going on here?" And then, "Oh, well!"

Just like anyone would think if they suddenly found themselves in the middle of a really strange reality show, and they weren’t even sure how they got on the island or the Kardashians’ house in the first place.

But back to the "proof of love" part.

Mario Testino swears that he could tell that the couple was "in love" and would "stay together forever."

And Mario should know because, well, because Mario is an expert in love.

Whatever "in love" means.

We know this because, according to Wikipedia, Mario Testino is openly "pansexual."

That means that, in Mario’s reality television show, he can survive on the island with just about anyone. "People of all sexes and genders."

Don’t ask me how far it goes. But it reminds me of how, way, way before there were any reality shows, my grandma would watch the television news and then wail, "I have lived too long!"

Modernity can be so confusing.

Anyway, Mario, being probably the greatest living celebrity photographer in the world, took Prince William and Kate Middleton’s engagement photos which show William in a navy suit and Kate in her perennial white dress with scalloped edge, showing Princess Diana’s massive sapphire ring to great advantage. After doing everything just so and getting great but posed shots, Mario claims that the almost-royal couple just erupted with passion "and suddenly hugged in front of a radiator," and Mario then went "snap!" And the rest was history.

Whew! Finally, testimony that Kate Middleton and Prince William were really in love!

Funny, though, about how "spontaneous" that hugging shot of Mario’s was.

Prince William had time to change out of his navy blue suit and tie, and put on a dove-grey sweater.

And funny, too, how that "radiator-spontaneous" photograph looks to be posed exactly as the official engagement photograph of Prince William’s parents– one of the few times we saw them, officially, with their arms around each other, and that massive sapphire ring so carefully placed in view on the groom-to-be’s shoulder.

I think that was the pic that went on the stamps.

Was Mario’s photo truly spontaneous? It wouldn’t seem so.

It’s rather a very deliberate re-working of an older iconic image that not only modernized but incredibly popularized a British Royal Family that, before Diana breezed into it, was definitely on the wane skids and likely would not have lasted out the millennium without drastic changes. Diana’s entry held those changes at bay, until she took a stiletto and tore open the seams with lurid confessional ghosted autobiographies that certainly hashed out a wounded litany of gossip and complaints.

Now, true love seems equally elusive for Diana’s son. So much so that the public has to be re-assured by the photographer who took the pictures that what he presented to the public as "proof of love" was real, and not some air-brushed, computer-enhanced fantasy.

Are Kate Middleton and Prince William still in love?

Whatever "in love" means.

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION, DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THE COLUMNIST?  TELL US BELOW

 

 

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