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Friday, 24 January 2014 10:50
Prince William and Kate Middleton Receive D in Christopher Lee’s Royal 101
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kate-middleton-portraitPrince William and his wife Kate Middleton’s popularity just got graded, and teacher gave them a ...

"D." As in "dull." "Dull" and "Don’t have the gravitas" and...gasp (!) "Danish."


That’s a LOT of "Ds!" 

"Dull" as in "dishwater."

Carole Middleton must be freaking out!

And the Danish are probably looking askance and saying,"Des mere man klapper katten, des hojere hun boerer rumpen."

Which means something like, "Cat patting leads to hump raising."

And if you’ve ever owned a cat, or patted a cat, you will know whereof you speak when you way that.

A cat who is petted too much tends to not appreciate it.

And it starts with a "D" anyway, as long as you say it in Danish.

Here, the teacher handing out the "Ds" to the royal couple is British historian and former BBC correspondent Christopher Lee, who recently terrorized more conservative elements in Britain by saying, in print, that he doubted Baby George would ever become king. Because for that to happen, Charles would have to become king, and then William would have to become king, or at least come close to being king, and then it would be Baby George’s turn.

And neither Prince William nor Kate Middleton, Lee says, has the right stuff.

No. The newest royal couple are "dull." As in "dishwater."

"D" could, and should stand for better things like "Dynasty," or even "Diana," William’s late mother. Or it could be for "Darling," the affectionate adjective that Prince Charles uses for his second wifey, Camilla.

But, no. Christopher Lee says that William and Kate are Dull."


Or "S" as in "snoring" or "B" as in "boring."

And then, Lee had the gall to say that, in the paraphrase of numerous British newspapers, "the gloss has worn off" of Kate Middleton."

Whoosh! That’s the sound of Carole hitting the roof!

There must be lots of roof-patching going on in Bucklebury. Patching and thatching and tarring and buying of tiles and things.

Queen Elizabeth never got a "D." She was, if anything, enigmatic. Removed, but regal. Queen Elizabeth gets an "R" for "Regina" and "Royal" and "Richly Deserved." Rather plain, but then, royalty did not used to be solely about looks. Grandeur, yes, but grandeur is something that involves much more than eyeliner and some billowy dresses and flipping big fat sausage curls about.

Prince Philip never got a "D." He was, if anything, intense, mysterious, with a vague air of hostility buffered by the confusion of the emigree.

Prince Charles got an "A" for being generally "Affable," even after the whole Diana Debacle.

Ahh, that "D" again.

Princess Anne got a "D" for being "Dour" in her early years– Dour and Disagreeable. But that changed after her first marriage failed and her brother’s first marriage failed, and Anne turned it all around and got an "A" for being "Aggressive but hardworking."

Sarah Ferguson, of course, got an"F" for failing at just about everything royal, but surely there is a story even behind the several stories she’s already successfully sold, and so if "S" were a grade, it would be hers, surely.

Prince Harry would get an "H" for appearing to be happy, relatively, despite the loss of former girlfriend Chelsea, who seems more and more to have been a good idea gone wrong in the royal wedding sweepstakes. We’d given Chelsea a "B" for "Beautiful," but nobody in Buckingham Palace was listening to us, and so "B" did not come to stand for "Bride" for Chelsea.

So "D" was for Harry’s Devastation. Despair. Derailment.

And "D" can also stand for "Drunk," which is what Harry, Kate and William always seemed to be, in the photos we saw of them out and about London town in the evening.

Drunk. Dizzy. Deluded. Ding-dongs.

Is it too late to turn things around?

Of course not. We’re barely into the second semester!

If Prince William and Kate so desire, they can turn that "D" into "Doing things for others" and "Dedicated to Great Britain."

Or "Destiny."

Oh, if only!


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