Reading riot act for Kate Middleton's freaky hair, exposed hiney
Written by  // Monday, 16 June 2014 12:00 //


Did Kate Middleton suddenly grow an enormously long moustache?

 See image

That’s what it looked like on June 10 when the Duchess of Cambridge appeared at the National Maritime Museum, where she wore a knee-length white dress that actually covered her hiney.

We were so happy to not see Kate Middleton’s rear end!

But then, suddenly the wind blew and all we could see was her brown hair.


And it wasn’t pretty.

It was like a bunch of brown eelgrass, all over Kate’s face, writhing in the breeze.

Kate’s overgrown brown hair snaked around her nose and over her ears, whipping across her face and making her look like a moustachioed freakette.

What’s with all that messy, messy hair?

Can she breathe with all that long hair looping in and out and around her nose?  

Does it make her eyes itch?

Every time the wind blew, Kate would open her mouth in a great big wordless gape

And then, just as we were trying to balance her below-the-knee elegant and proper white dress with her brand-new brown freakette moustache, Kate broke the spell by doing a lot of pointing and fingery lecturing to her yachtsmen hosts and suddenly smeared her fingerprints all over America’s Cup, and we were left feeling surly towards her again.


And what was the deal with posing America’s Cup atop a gigantic Louis Vuitton steamer trunk?

Is that how they send America’s Cup in transit?

I mean, if it’s “America’s Cup,” why don’t they put it in a nice, oversized American Tourister suitcase?

Naturally, Kate didn’t miss the opportunity to press her black clutch bag to her crotch while posing.

Why do we call it a “clutch” bag when, it Kate’s hands, it’s clearly a “crotch” bag?

But Buckingham Palace is making progress about controlling Kate’s obsession with exposing her private body parts.

Kate’s now made several appearances wearing either long, butt-covering coats or long, butt-covering pencil skirts and dresses that are so form-fitting it would be almost impossible for the skirt to flip up and show us the royal backside.

Or frontside.

Or both, if the wind is blowing really hard.

Kate certainly looked subdued later that day on June 10, and had pinned at least some of her hair back so that she wouldn’t be wearing a snakey brown moustache when she showed up with Queen Elizabeth II, Elizabeth’s daughter Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, Prince Andrew’s daughter, the Princess Eugenie, Prince Edward’s wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, the Duchess of Gloucester, and over a thousand other people– all of whom were at an enormous Buckingham Palace garden party to wish Queen Elizabeth’s consort, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinborough, a happy birthday.

Prince Phillip is 93 years old today, and if the rumors are true about him being a flirt, he’s seen plenty of royal and commoner hineys in his time.

Still, he’d probably rather not see Kate’s.

And on June 10, he didn’t, because Kate wore a gold-lace Alexander McQueen ensemble that fit her anorexic figure like a glove, compensating for being too tight by at least being too tight to fly up, flap around, and show us Kate’s pantiless backside.

We didn’t see Kate curtsy to Princess Anne or Princess Eugenie, the Blood Princesses.

Maybe she did all that inside somewhere.

Anyway, it is pretty clear that the Queen, or someone close to the Queen, has read Kate Middleton the Riot Act following her return from Australia where her naked hiney was photographed in public.

You know what the Riot Act is.

That is the thing my mother always said she was reading to me when I did something worth her scolding me for.

“Cover your hiney, or I’m going to read you the Riot Act!”

I never knew what the Riot Act was.  And actually, I could never imagine being out and about without wearing underwear, and if I had a dress that consistently blew up around my waist, I’d probably put it in the Goodwill Box.  But when I did or failed to do something like clean my bedroom and my mother said she was going to read me the Riot Act, I catapulted into action despite not knowing what Mom was talking about.

The Riot Act....

But it sounded pretty official, and so I always obeyed it.

Now, Queen Elizabeth II is the mother of four children and while servants clean their bedrooms, I am betting that the Royal Family’s patience with Kate Middleton is wearing thin. They have provided her and her husband with mansions, security, designer outfits, food, all manner of luxurious living, and in return, all they are asking is that the Cambridges show up to cut the odd ribbon and say “How do you do?” nicely, and....and... not show their hineys to everyone!

That is all!

And Kate’s latest hiney flashing is something like, oh, the fourth, fifth, eighth, who know how many hiney flashings.

This is why the Queen and Prince Philip finally broke down and read Kate the Riot Act.

Then, they sent her into a brief exile. She’s now being rehabilitated, but if Kate wants to keep living in the Queen’s mansions and keep her Italian housekeeper and her Spanish nanny and a new Filipino somebody or other assistant, well, she’d better keep her backside covered.

Or it’s the Riot Act for Kate!

The Riot Act is actually a real British law that came into being in 1714 when Good Queen Anne of the House of Stuart died and Queen Elizabeth II’s Hanoverian ancestor George I  first appeared in England to ascend the throne. George I immediately involved himself in politics (probably prophylactically, from his point of view), and fired all the Tories and installed a Whig government.

This made the Tories and their supporters very mad. George was crowned, but the Tories and their supporters started rabble-rousing. Tories who were aristocrats or landed gentry boycotted George’s coronation, and others who had no great estates to retreat to headed out to the pubs and started fights that escalated into at least one murder and other violent mobs who looted and pillaged, in addition to making lots of anti-monarchical political statements.

I had to look up the difference between Tories and Whigs. It’s too long to explain, but basically Tories were (are?) Conservatives. They were devotees of the Church of England and defenders of James II’s right to take the throne and rule absolutely. Tories were monarchists, but they were British monarchists, and didn’t cotton to the German branch of the Royal Family. The Whigs (liberals) thought that the German Royals were just dandy, wanted to strip them of their powers (but let them keep their prerogatives), and thought that the Church of England should move over and share state religious power with what were then considered to be Protestant fringe groups.

The Tories’ grumbling about overthrowing the monarchy a la the French Revolution made alarm bells go off, and Parliament, desperate to restore order and preserve the monarchy for Queen Anne’s distant German cousins, wrote the Riot Act.

The Riot Act was aimed at any gathering of twelve or more persons. If twelve of more grumblers went lurching about the streets, the Riot Act authorized the local mayor, magistrate, or sheriff to stand before the mob of twelve or more, and read these words, which were mandatory prior to taking any action: “Our Sovereign Lord the King chargeth and commandeth all persons, being assembled, immediately to disperse themselves, and peaceably to depart to their habitations, or to their lawful business, upon the pains contained in the act made in the first year of King George, for preventing tumults and riotous assemblies. God Save the King!”

The Act made just gathering in a menacing kind of way a felony, and rioting was declared punishable by death. Also, any person helping to quell the riot or even just disperse the gathering of twelve or more acquired a kind of immunity from prosecution for any harm, including death, that might befall the rioters (or gatherers). The Whigs liked the Riot Act so much that it remained the law of the land in England right up to 1973.

But by that time, the Royalists and Whigs weren’t using the Riot Act very much. Nor were the political groups still called Tories and Whigs. They had last tried to read the Riot Act in 1919 when a city sheriff in Glasgow, Scotland, was in the middle of reading the Riot Act to a grumbly, sullen gathering of 90,000 when one disgruntled minion ripped the copy of the Act from the sheriff’s hands and told him to “naff off!”

Or words to that effect.

And “naff off” is exactly what they did!

Ahh, the sweet sound of democracy entering into its fullest flower!

Now, the noble Riot Act has been reduced to being a bully bat used by mothers whose children are behind in cleaning their rooms and doing chores.

Uhm...did I say “behind?”

My point is that Queen Elizabeth II is used to saying things like “chargeth and commandeth,” and so it is really no problem for her or someone close to her like Prince Philip to read the Riot Act to Kate Middleton and chargeth and commandeth her to put on some underpants and keep her skirts down.

Now, if Queen Elizabeth will only do something about Kate’s brown, hairy eelgrass moustachio!

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