"No job" Lewinsky gives "slow job" speech to Forbes
Written by  // Thursday, 23 October 2014 12:29 //

lewinskyForbes Magazine announced it’s sponsoring a great gathering of the world’s business and financial geniuses this coming week in Philadelphia.

Forbes calls its brainstorm for brainiacs “Forbes Under 30 Summit.”


And Forbes doesn’t hesitate to extoll its own virtues: “Forbes Under 30 Summit will bring together 1,000+ members of Forbes ‘30 Under 30’ list with business leaders and mentors. The Summit will include panel discussions, keynote presentations, parties and “Shark Tank”-style pitches in front of the world’s top venture capitalists.”

It sounds exciting!  It sounds like money and business. 

So why is Monica Lewinksy speaking there?

You remember Monica Lewinsky. 

She was that White House intern who gave her admirer, then-President William Jefferson Clinton, at least nine rhymes-with-slow jobs.

Monica allegedly performed these oral machinations in the Oval Office, the White House’s sanctum sanctorum and the one place where harpy Hilary wouldn’t come looking.  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/politics/special/clinton/icreport/6narritiii.htm.  The naughty president and his naughty intern also rendevouzed in the White House Theater while Hilary was off on an official visit to Greece.

We’re not sure whether this accounting includes the infamous “cigar story” which claims that “Monica Lewinsky masturbated with a cigar while President Clinton watched and masturbated as well. Yassir Arafat was supposedly kept waiting in the Rose Garden while this was going on in a room next to the Oval Office.” http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/1998/09/what_exactly_is_the_cigar_story.html.

And we don’t know whether this accounting includes the time that Lewinksy allegedly slobbered, or else dribbled, or whatever, some of the Presidents, uhm, er....(how to put this without using the word “semen?”)...maleness on her blue belted shirt dress that Lewinsky had purchased at GAP.

That dress immediately sold out once identified by Lewinsky as being the instrument of her presidential DNA sample.

Just like dresses worn by Kate Middleton always instantly sell out!

Which only proves that some folks will buy anything.  For any reason.

Anyhoo, after she dribbled and drabbled on her nice Blue GAP dress and used Clinton’s cigar to explore her own lady parts, Lewisnky then initially lied about it all to investigators.

She also had an alleged secondary quarry in her sexy sights– George Stephanopoulos, who was Clinton’s communications director at the time.  Although initially denying any contact with Lewinky, Stephanopoulos wrote this in his subsequent memoirs: “I vaguely remembered her as a pretty, busty, flirty intern I’d pass in the halls or see hanging out at Starbucks on weekends.  “A few times at work, she had tried to surprise me with a double tall latte, but my assistant, Laura Capps, would stop her at the door.”  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/16/george-stephanopoulos-was_n_683058.html. 

Talk about a lucky interception!  Way to go, Laura Capps!

But let’s get back to the lying part.

In December 1997, Paula Jones, who’d sued Clinton claiming sexual harassment, subpoenaed Monica to testify in her case about Lewinsky’s sexual relationship with Clinton. http://www.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/1998/resources/lewinsky/timeline/.  In early January 1998, Monica filed a perjured affidavit full of lies denying that she’d ever had sex...with that man, President William Jefferson Clinton.  But in 1996, Lewinsky had started pouring her heart out, complete with the “rhymes with slow” job stories about her and Clinton, to Pentagon worker Linda Tripp, who took the precaution of tape recording Monica’s confessions after Clinton’s attorney, Bill Bennett, had said that Tripp was not worthy of being believed.

Tripp then turned her tapes over to LOTS of people.

None of these were friends of Bill.

On at least one tape, Lewinksy was alleged heard telling Tripp that people close to Bill, like Vernon Jordan, were telling Monica to lie to investigators and Paula Jones’s lawyers, and deny that she had....sex...with that man, President William Jefferson Clinton.

FBI agents then asked Tripp to wear a wire and meet with Lewinsky, which Tripp did.  The pair met at the Virginia Ritz-Carlton Hotel Bar in the Pentagon area, with the FBI breathlessly listening in.  At this meeting, Lewinsky handed Tripp an envelope containing a document entitled, “Points to make in an affidavit,” which essentially instructed Tripp about how to specifically lie in the investigations into Bill Clinton’s sexual affairs with various women.

Nobody believes that Lewinsky wrote this document on her own.

At this point, the aim of investigators became to charge President Clinton with suborning perjury, a crime which, if proved, would certainly lead either his resignation or his impeachment.

This story was broken by an enterprising internet reporter, Matt Drudge.   http://www.drudgereport.com/.  Thereafter, everything just exploded, big time.

Anyway, it’s pretty clear that Monica Lewinsky was not especially qualified to get any particular job at the White House, and of course, after everything came out about her “rhymes with slow” jobs and flirty offers to pick up café lattes and dribbling and drabbling on perfectly nice GAP dresses, well, Monica found it hard to get a job.

So she did a couple of things.

She told her story to Andrew Morton, who wrote it up as “Monica’s Story,” and she and Morton got some money for that.  Then, she started making handbags by hand.  http://www.styleite.com/news/in-memorium-that-time-monica-lewinsky-was-a-handbag-designer/.  Although her line sold out, this was due mostly to her notoriety.  One review of Monica’s designer handbags had this to say: “We believe they’re ideal for the person who thinks that the shag carpet of a bang bus is a wardrobe essential. Each one resembles a unique drab sofa that people cover with plastic and Windex when guests are about to arrive.” 

Then, following the (relative) success of another notorious, out-of-work celebrity, the Duchess of York, Monica signed on to be a spokesperson or some kind of example or something at Jenny Craig, a weight-watching business.  http://articles.latimes.com/1999/dec/29/business/fi-48494.  It’s not clear exactly how much Monica weighed when she signed on, nor was the scope of her actual weight loss revealed.  But it’s rumored that about $1 million dollars or more changed hands before Jenny Craig “trimmed” Monica from its advertising campaign.  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/711920.stm.

Somewhere along the line, Monica managed to move to London and obtain a graduate degree in psychology from the prestigious London School of Economics.  http://www.salon.com/2013/07/23/the_monica_lewinsky_scandal_where_are_they_now/.

And then, having already done “Monica’s Story,” Monica wrote her memoirs anew, adding in all the racy bits she’d declined to divulge in Morton’s book.     http://articles.latimes.com/2012/sep/20/news/la-jc-monica-lewinsky-memoir-20120920.

Things like Clinton asking her to set up “threesomes.”  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2206057/Monica-Lewinsky-writing-tell-memoir-needs-money.html.

The rumored money Monika made from selling her “true story” the second time was said to be about $12 million dollars.

And let’s not forget that bizarre reality television show she briefly hosted, “Mr. Personality!”  http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/television/2003/04/monica_the_chaperone.html; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkabRqtDjMw.  Described as “skanky,” it featured eligible men wearing “Eyes Wide Shut” masks and romancing beautiful, semi-naked women in hot tubs and mansions.  http://entertainment.time.com/2009/06/02/top-10-skanky-reality-shows/slide/mr-personality-2003/.

But now, more than sixteen years after her name first was connected with President Clinton’s various sex scandals, Monica is now boo-hoo-hooing that she was “cyber bullied” and that this is why she’s never been able to hold down a regular job, as in 9 to 5 (not that most jobs stop at 5 PM anyway), but a job with benefits, a job where one must show up and work hard, a job where they serve dark black coffee with some odious powdery “creamer” and little bags of sugar and aspartame snagged from the shop down the street, a job where your boss is a married guy who has no interest in you playing with his cigar.

And now, Monica is not only boo-hoo-hooing over this, but she’s claiming that it’s all our fault, meaning, the public, the powers that be, the whole kit and kaboodle, and let’s not forget the evil, wretched internet.


Even though the internet was barely getting going back when Monica was giving President Bill her rhymes-with-slow jobs and cigar monkey dances and letting him play with her boobies, and then dribbling and drabbling on that navy blue GAP dress.

And let’s not forget the part about lying to the FBI, lying to investigators, and trying to get others to lie, too.

Let’s not forget that.

Frankly, Monica is lucky that the London School of Economics let her in.

And instead of banking on THAT lucky break, and doing her best to get a further degree and become whatever it is in psychology that she wanted to be, well, apparently, if it doesn’t involve being a celebrity and being on television or the internet that she claims to despise so much, well...Monica Lewinsky just doesn’t seem too interested.

Not if it involves really working for a living.

Instead, Lewinsky would rather lecture us about how we all made her down-and-out.

It’s amazing, horrifiying, actually, that a business institution as renknown as Forbes is would swallow all Monica’s self-serving “look at me!” crud and then splatter it out, again on the internet, while blaming anyone who dares to laugh at this naked empress prancing around the streets.



In her speech, Monica states that we, the people who found her ridiculous, have destroyed her life so much so that she wanted to commit suicide.  http://www.forbes.com/sites/clareoconnor/2014/10/20/full-transcript-monica-lewinsky-speaks-out-on-ending-online-abuse/.

But what is odd is how Monica seems to equate her news notoriety with the internet, a medium that was truly in its infancy and concerned with bigger things at the time she first exploded on the scene.  Also, Monica criticizes the FBI and White House investigators for, basically, doing their jobs. 

And most interestingly, Monica seems blithely unconcerned with the whole reason that the whole thing exploded in the first place– Bill Clinton’s alleged mistreatment and sexual abuse of women who, like Monica Lewinsky, were just trying to keep their government jobs.

Forbes is an organization that should be all about business.  Monica Lewinsky is all about monkey business, getting caught, and then blaming everyone else and then the internet for it.

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