Tuesday, 20 January 2015 11:40
Kate Middleton's Birth Truthers in no pregnant pause
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kate-hospitalYes, yes, the Duchess of Cambridge has a nice, new blue coat, and yes, she looks "amazing" in it.

I mean, as far as "amazing" goes. She does look "nice." It’s usually nice to have a nice, new coat.

But does she look pregnant?


Let’s ask this again.

Does Kate Middleton look six months pregnant?

To both questions, the answer is "no."

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, doesn’t look sixth months’ pregnant.

And she doesn’t look pregnant at all.

She looks like a fashionista who occasionally wears a fake pregnancy prosthesis, but mostly...not.

Where’s Kate’s baby bump?

The answer is obscure. Sometimes it’s there, and sometimes, it’s not.

Sometimes, it seems to just fold itself up.

Like the British newspapers, say, Kate Middleton has "no need for maternity wear."

Because every woman who has actually carried a pregnancy to term knows that truly pregnant women do have a need for maternity wear, unless they just want to wear their husbands’ sweat pants all the time.

But honestly, I am not saying that Kate Middleton is not pregnant. No, no, no. Not me.

But I have readers, and readers make demands on writers, and writers typically respond to those demands and questions, and so I have to raise the issue.

Where are the infamous "men in grey suits" who are supposed to police the newbie "Royals" who think that, to be royal, all one has to do is shop and wave and show their undies?

But we all know that Kate Middleton doesn’t wear her undies!

Unless the undies are connected to the prosthesis....

Haven’t we been through all this before with Kate’s previous pregnancy that allegedly produced Baby Boy Prince George?

You remember Prince George. We last saw the most of him in Australia, where his parents appear to have dyed his black hair blonde. You remember Prince George, surely– he of the inky dark eyes and swarthy complexion, wholly un-Windsor in appearance, whose fatty little legs were squiggling and straining towards gravity even as his parents struggled to hold him as though he was a much younger infant, who wasn’t walking yet.

Some of my readers think that William and Kate are faking George’s true age, because he was born before the plastic baby was.

Now, I will grant you that some of my readers keep telling me that Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip are reptiles and shape-shifters, and I get some pretty interesting photographs in my email. But that other group, the Birth Truthers, do have some points, which they don’t hesitate to share.

And sometimes, they seem to have some proof that Kate and William are using a surrogate, or surrogates, for their pregnancies.

I myself don’t believe it. No, no, no. But democracy is nothing without giving folks a forum to chat about things I don’t believe in, so, here goes!

Last time, when Prince George allegedly made his first public appearance, Kate Middleton didn’t look pregnant until she was LEAVING the maternity hospital after allegedly giving birth. Remember how round and hard her tummy looked in that ridiculous tight blue dress that her spokesperson declared was some kind of homage to the late Princess Diana?

So bizarre! Why wear your fake pregnancy prosthesis OUT of the hospital on the day you’re going home with your newborn baby?

And why wear a blue tight blue dress and high-high wedgey teeter-totter pumps in fashion homage to the late great goddess of style, when that goddess was clearly wearing a pregnancy mumu with sensible flat shoes when she left the hospital with a real baby?

Hmmmm.... Maybe wearing it was the only way Kate could smuggle her prosthesis OUT of the hospital after allegedly giving birth. She was holding what appeared to be a live baby shrouded in a cushy white shawl thingy. So tightly was the newborn swaddled that photos revealed almost no movement.

So we kinda wonder now whether, last time, Kate Middleton left the hospital with one of those plastic babies they just used in "American Sniper."

Even the tiny little hand movement of Kate’s hospital baby that pundits that was soooooooo cute could have been faked! Really! Just take a look at how actor Bradley Cooper made his plastic baby’s tiny little hand move.

But unlike Hollywood, where directors have budgets and are just making a movie, royals creating dynasties might decide to spend the big bucks and hire a genuine baby. Anyway....

But the Birth Truthers aren’t stopping at plastic babies with their analysis. No! They find a lot of proof that Kate Middleton is not pregnant, and may be using a surrogate.

For one thing, chitter-chatter news reports that Kate’s been dying her hair, which is a well-known "no no" for pregnant women. Hair dye, if it hits the scalp, can pass into the mother’s blood stream and through the placenta. Women seeking to avoid miscarriage are usually advised to not dye their hair.

There’s also Kate’s recent shopping jaunt, where she stalked the bargain aisles "for at least an hour," and then "struggled" to carry no fewer than three shopping bags, "and they did not look light." Kate’s protection officers reportedly did not carry them for her, which I understand because, honestly, protection officers are supposed to be looking around for bad guys and nutters and snipers, even snipers whose wives give birth to plastic babies. Personal protection officers are not supposed to be loaded up with their charge’s shopping bags, like Richard Gere was in "Pretty Woman" when he bought Julia Roberts all the luxurious clothing that the snippy shopkeeps in the movie wouldn’t sell to Julia because she was a hooker.

But the Birth Truthers do seem to have a point when they point out that a truly pregnant woman with a history of high risk pregnancy and deadly pregnancy vomiting disease should probably not be teeter-tottering around on high heels, shopping for hours, and dragging around three heavy shopping bags. Isn’t carrying the royal shopping bags a job for the Men in Grey Suits? I mean, if the Crown has a "Silver Stick in Waiting" person, why can’t they have a "Royal Shopping Bag Carrier?"

And the Birth Truthers are also correct to point out that, if Kate is really pregnant, she probably should not be dying her hair, or getting chemical spray tans, or (and this is a Birth Truther favorite)....ready for it? Flying off to Mustique for a beach vacation!

The rumor is that Kate will soon be taking off with "her family" (and without Prince William) for one of those "en masse Middleton" jaunts, this time, to celebrate Carole Middleton’s 60thbirthday.

Of course, if Kate is not pregnant, and a surrogate is carrying the royal fetus, or...whatever, well, then, hair dye, spray tans, high-high heels, heavy shopping bags and flying around in planes is probably fine.

And if all you are giving birth to is a plastic baby, well, who the heck do these gosh-darned Birth Truthers think they are?

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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