Thursday, 19 March 2015 14:01
Dotty Pregnant Kate Middleton goes potty with laughing gas?
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kate-flowersHas Kate Middleton gone all dotty?

Perhaps.

 

At least, she showed up wearing a dotty dress while visiting a children’s charity.  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3000256/Stepping-style-Pregnant-Kate-shines-35-polka-dot-maternity-dress-meets-children-London.html#http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/03/18/26C3E9B800000578-3000256-image-a-18_1426676241157.jpg

Because Kate doesn’t look at all pregnant, and appears to be wearing a fake pregnancy prosthesis, the newspapers keep opening their articles on her with the necessary adjective “pregnant.”

As in, “Pregnant Kate Middleton did this or that.”  http://www.celebuzz.com/2015-03-17/kate-middleton-pregnant-prince-william-st-patricks/http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-beauty/news/pregnant-kate-middleton-curly-updo-how-to-st-patricks-day-gif-photo-2015173.

Or, “Kate Middleton, who is pregnant, wore this or that.”

Sheesh!

Who in the whole wide world does not yet know that Kate Middleton is supposedly pregnant?  I say “supposedly” because there are, as you know, those pregnancy deniers who I call “Birth Truthers.”

The Birth Truthers ask: After the girl-baby-who-will-be-named-“Diana” finally is delivered to Anmer’s back gate by a white-washed, windows-blacked-out van from a Siberian outpost, will the newspapers then start their articles by writing, “Kate Middleton, who is no longer pregnant?”

To see a woman who looks really pregnant, scan the Daily Mail article on Kate’s dotty dress and focus on the Asos catalog model who’s wearing the same outfit.  But who knows whether the model is really pregnant?  Maybe the model is just wearing the extra-large-size fake pregnancy prosthesis!  All I can say is that the model looks pretty convincingly pregnant, and on her, that dotty dress looks like a maternity dress being used properly, whereas Kate Middleton looks so NOT pregnant in the dotty dress and in everything else that the newspapers keep having to remind us, in almost every sentence, that Kate IS pregnant.

Sigh.

Whatever being “in pregnant” means....

But when “pregnant Kate Middleton” scampers up and down steep steps in her high-high heels, evincing no balance problems, no wobbling, no enlarged breasts, no double chin from milkshakes and pie, and no weight gain anywhere on her body except for the fake bump, which news writers keep telling us is her “pregnancy bump” because otherwise, we’d never know, well, it just all explains why people are suddenly listening to those Birth Truthers again.

This may be why some commentators keep talking about how talented Kate Middleton is at “disguising” her alleged pregnancy bump!

Do you think that Kate Middleton doesn’t look particularly pregnant, or even regularly pregnant?

Why, say those who defy those Birth Truthers, the reason is that Kate is exceptionally good at disguising her pregnancy bump!

Does Kate Middleton not look tired or fatigues, as heavily pregnant women often do?  http://www.express.co.uk/life-style/style/564519/Kate-Middleton-pregnant-brown-Catherine-Walker-coat-St-Patrick-s-Day-parade.

Birth Truthers just say, well, it’s easy not to suffer from pregnancy fatigue when you’re not pregnant!

It’s hard to know what’s true and what’s not about Kate Middleton.

Like that big, stinky fart the other day.

When she defied tradition by wearing a drab brown ensemble to the St. Patrick’s Day shamrock-bestowing upon the Irish Guards (risking getting a hard pinch for failing to wear the green), Kate very tastefully pinched her nose and made a stinky-smell face when a soldier near her supposedly faked a loud fart, right  in her face.  http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/st-patricks-day-kate-middleton-5349955

I mean, the Mirror SAID it was a fake fart.

But honestly, how do we know?

Maybe it’s as fake a fart as Kate’s alleged pregnancy bump!

Didn’t Kate, supposedly a future queen consort, make a “wow, that stinks!” frownie face, and hold her nose?  Why would she have done that if it was just a fake fart?  The alleged fart may have been drowned out in all the camera-shutter clicking noises on the videos, but there are several clear photos of Kate Middleton pinching her nose shut and smirking.

Why do that if it’s just a fake fart?

And I mean, exactly what kind of “fake fart” did the soldier make, anyway?  Did he just make the sound of farting, with his mouth?  Like a kiddie would do?

There’s nothing like the respect some folks have for their royalty!

Maybe Kate was the one who farted, and the soldiers just pretended that one of them made the poopy noise, so as not to embarrass their future queen consort.

Or was the farting soldier talented enough to actually loudly pass wind through his anus in an act of military might and will?

Now, some of you might object to my use of the word “anus,” but it MUST be okay because Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II used it a while back, to describe a particularly difficult year, 1992, when the antics of her family and the fire at Windsor Castle made that year a horrible pain in her anus....

Didn’t she?

She did, she did!  There’s a youtube video to prove it:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHlEzh5ky1A

It’s even on the Monarchy’s official website:  http://www.royal.gov.uk/ImagesandBroadcasts/Historic%20speeches%20and%20broadcasts/Annushorribilisspeech24November1992.aspx

Who knew they had one?  How very modern!

What?

I don’t understand how “anus horribilis” is different from a horrible pain in one’s anus....

What?

Annus?  Is that how it’s spelled now?

Sheesh!

Anus, annus, picky, picky, picky....

It’s like having to remember to spell “Carol Middleton” with an “e!”

Carol, Carole....

Either way, it’s a pain in the annus.

And making a big, loud, stinky fart is supposed to be the cure for that.

It must be, because it’s on youtube!  http://www.inquisitr.com/1766810/archy-the-farting-horse-millions-flock-to-youtube-to-witness-gasseous-steed-breaking-wind/.  

Or maybe it is just a really bad year coming up.

Take your pick!

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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