Kate Middleton's Uncle Gary dogging a bicyclist
Written by  // Tuesday, 28 April 2015 12:02 //


Or do I mean “Cheech?”

As in Kate Middleton’s Uncle Gary’s pet Chihuahua, “Cheech,” who was accidently hit by a cyclist in a public park last week.

Oh, the outrage! Poor Cheech! And now, Kate’s Uncle Gary’s on the warpath.

Photos of Cheech put up on Uncle Gary Goldsmith’s social media pages show that Cheech is a real cutie pie. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3054600/Duchess-Cambridge-s-uncle-Gary-bust-headphone-wearing-cyclist-ran-pet-chihuahua.html.

But still. I mean, is it seemly for the uncle of a woman who may be a future queen consort to all but put out a “hit” on a cyclist who just made a mistake?

And why wasn’t adorable poochie Cheech on a leash? I am pretty sure that London municipal laws must require even really cute critters to be walked on leashes if they are out and about in a public place.

It’s funny how Uncle Gary invoked what sounded just like a medieval “Law of the King’s Woods” or something. “Know this man??” Uncle Gary posted on Twitter with a full-face photo of the hapless harrier.

“Racing through @theroyalparks Regents Park this morning ran over our dog and just left him for dead!”

“Horrific!” Uncle Gary shrieked. http://travel.aol.co.uk/2015/04/25/kate-uncle-cyclist-runs-over-chihuahua/.

I mean, I love dogs and cats and critters generally, but it makes me wonder how sober Uncle Gary is these days. Or maybe he just needs to get his priorities straight.

Not since Robin Hood’s Band of Merry Men killed the King’s deer has there been such a kerfluffle over an animal that weighs, oh, a LOT less than a deer! And probably doesn’t taste nearly as good. Now, THAT remark will get you on a PETA list! But to me, “PETA” is just another word for “People Eating Tasty Animals!”

But I do draw the line at cute little Chihuahuas. Although in ancient Mexico and North Korea, they didn’t always.

“Evil s***… Coming to get ya,” the tattooed, bald and bearded brother of Carole Middleton typed onto his twitter account. http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/kate-middletons-uncle-issues-call-5578578.

Yikes! “Coming to get ya?” With WHAT?

It’s a threat, like what the Mafia makes when you don’t pay your protection money on time. Or when you accidentally have a tragic accident you couldn’t avoid.

Is that how the Goldsmith-Middleton Mafia puts out a hit on people who honestly mistake their beloved miniature Mexican pooch for a garden hose?

The latest mobster moves of Prince William’s uncle-in-law remind me of a famous story.

Once upon a time in New York, John Gotti, the infamous violent Mafia New York mobster, had a 12 year-old son, Frank, who, in a careless moment without supervision, darted into the street on a motorized minibike from behind a dumpster. John Favara, a 51 year-old neighbor driving home from work, didn’t see the boy in time to stop his car. Favara accidently struck and killed young Frank. Favara, a furniture store manager, had an adopted son, Scott, who was friendly with the Gotti children. Favara himself had grown up with mobsters, but had chosen a quiet life for himself and his family. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/favara-son-dad-accidentally-killed-gotti-boy-no-grave-visit-father-day-article-1.127324.

It wasn’t like a careless stranger was driving the car.

It was a terrible experience all around. But it ended up being really terrible for Favara and his family– as in, his wife and children, not his Mafia “family.” Because Favara, a straight-shooting family man, was not a trouble maker.

Police considered Frank’s death to be a tragic accident, and no charges were filed against Favara. But after the crash, someone spray-painted the word “Murderer” onto Favara's car. Weeks later, Frank’s mother, Victoria Gotti, attacked Favara with a metal baseball bat so violently that he was hospitalized. Favara did not press charges, but decided to leave the neighborhood. and planned to move out of Howard Beach.

But he couldn’t move fast enough for the Mob.

The FBI says that about a two months later, while Favra and his family were packing their suitcases and calling the moving van, several men near his workplace shoved Favra into an unmarked van. More than one person saw what went down. One said that Favra was beaten to death with a baseball bat, shot with a silenced .22 caliber pistol, or both.

Some witnesses say that, while Favra was alive, Gotti henchmen dismembered Favara with a chainsaw, stuffed his body into a concrete-filled barrel, and then dumped him into the ocean or buried him in a parking lot.

Favara’s family declared him legally dead, but his body was never found.

When questioned by two detectives on Favara's disappearance, John Gotti said: “I'm not sorry the guy’s missing. I wouldn’t be sorry if the guy turned up dead.” His wife Victoria, when questioned said: “I don’t know what happened to him, but I’m not disappointed he’s missing. He killed my boy.” http://nypost.com/2009/09/28/gotti-the-day-our-boy-was-stolen-away/.

One wonders what Gotti and family would have done if someone had accidentally run over their pet Mexican Chihuahua.

Are the “sporty” Goldsmith-Middletons getting out their cricket bats? Or are they aiming for something a bit heavier?

Federal prosecutors in 2009 indicated they had evidence that a mob hitman, Charles Carneglia, killed Favara and “gave him an acid bath.” http://www.foxnews.com/story/2009/01/09/john-gotti-neighbor-was-dissolved-in-acid-court-papers-reveal/.


The only reason I am telling you about Kate’s Uncle Gary’s threats is to let you know to be very, very careful when riding a bicycle around Britain. Keep a watch out for Evil Uncle Gary and his minions! One of them, Gary tells us, is “an American.” And I just want to say, for the record, that was NOT me!

If I saw someone accidentally roll over a Mexican Chihuahua with a bike, I’d give a big lecture to whoever didn’t have the dog on a lead. How could anyone be so inattentive as to let little Twinkles or Tweety or....or, what is it...Cheech, go off without being on a lead? Leads are like the seatbelts of the animal kingdom! If you don’t put your Mexican Chihuahua on one, well, it’s like putting a baby in the back with no car seat!

Or if Cheech was on a lead, but it was one of those ridiculously crazy long, long leads that go around the corner before you’ve even shut the front door, well, don’t cry for me, Argentina! Don’t expect much sympathy from me. I once cracked a rib tripping over one of those crazy and semi-invisible long, long leads.

And talk about a lazy-pants way of “walking” a dog! The people I see use them are barely walking at all. I’ve seen dogs flip out in front of traffic on these all the time, often with disastrous consequences.

While giving news bulletins about the state of his niece and nephew-in-law’s alleged fecundity and plans to have even more offspring while waiting for the most recent one to pop out, Kate Middleton’s daffy Uncle Gary put a contract “hit” out on the offending cyclist.

And, to make it easy for would-be hit people to recognize and find the offending cyclist, Uncle Gary helpfully published a cell phone photo of the would-be doggie-slaughterer.

You’d think that Uncle Gary would try to avoid any bad publicity, given the eyebrows his royal niece raises every time she presses her teensy clutch bag into her ladyparts area.

But The Daily Mail just couldn’t resist, and opened a “tip hotline” for anyone who can identify the evil cyclist: “Do you know who the alleged culprit is? Call 0203 6150495 or e-mail This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..">This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

How insane is THAT?

What will happen to Mr. MacFarlan if the evil cyclist is identified, and a mob materializes at his house with pitchforks and sets his thatch ablaze? Is the reporter culpable for encouraging Uncle Gary’s threats and craziness over a dog that, I grant you, is adorable and cute, but still...?

What if someone shows up at the cyclist’s flat or where his aged mother lives, and starts whacking him around with a bat before moving on to bigger things, like the Gottis?

You’d think that if Gary’s sister, Carole Middleton, wants to keep riding in one of the Queen’s coach to Ascot that she’d find a way to make Uncle Gary realize the importance of his position as grand-uncle to the heir and the spare. I mean, the Queen loves her corgis, but I’ve never heard of her putting out a hit on someone over a...dog, oh, never mind, and no, I do NOT want to talk about Diana and Dodi!

“I’m not going to let him get away with it,” vowed Kate’s Uncle Gary. I’m making it my personal mission to find him. I have called the Parks Police. He should not have been riding around with headphones on oblivious to the world around him, causing damage and riding off.”

And Uncle Gary has some demands: “I want him to pick up the vet’s bill and make a public apology. Julie-Ann is in bits. She keeps bursting into tears. Dogs are an important part of your life.”

Cheech, Uncle Gary reports, is being tended to by Ben Fogle’s father, a vet. You remember Ben Fogle, who went to the hospital the day that Kate and Prince William’s first child was born, and tweeted about “the other” royal baby being born at the same hospital, same day, and set into motion a frenzy of speculation about Prince George’s parentage.

Maybe it’s time for another tweet!

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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