Friday, 15 May 2015 16:51
Prince William on Switzerland leave from Kate Middleton's family nursery-poo
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willieHow quickly things can change.
Just days ago, Prince William and Kate Middleton declared up and down about how they were retreating behind the barricades to domestic bliss at Anmer Hall in Sandringham.
Kate and William need privacy!
Kate and William want to bond with their offspring!
And even though they are “royals” without any more sovereign authority than you or me, their spokesman, Sir Juggears, was quick to fire some shots over mansion walls, to the effect that if anyone dared, DARED, to take a photo of the private family of Prince William and Kate Middleton doing private things, or doing things to their privates, or whatever they are up to these days, well, the snapper would have to face the royal rack!
Or even the force of Her Majesty’s law.
Or the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Or something very, very dire.
Why? Because Kate and William say they need to parent their two offspring, including the new one, Princess Charlotte. Prince William and Kate Middleton say they are hands-on parents who do almost everything homey-style for themselves.

Unless Mama Carole Middleton is there to do it all for them.
Last time when Prince George was born, Kate Middleton moved in with Mama Carole and Pa Michael Middleton in their Bucklebury digs. And many in England were aghast for a while because Prince William just up and disappeared– flat off the radar!
Nobody was sure whether Kate was coming back. When she suddenly showed up for an official reception with Tony Tan of Singapore, people wondered how long she’d stay.

Now, it appears that instead of Kate moving in with her folks in Bucklebury again, while William takes off for parts and with companions unknown, this time, Kate’s folks are moving in to her place, Anmer Hall, and William is taking off for Switzerland.,,20395222_20922752,00.html.
Yes! Switzerland!
Where all the best watches and swatches and chocolates come from.
How can William leave now, when his newest newborn baby is barely out of wherever it is she came from?
Why, we are told, the rhinos need William, as do the giraffes and the hippos and all manner of important animals– Lions and tigers and bears and of course, don’t let’s forget the elephants!
What makes it all soooooooo confusing is that some newspapers say that Prince William is “going back to work.”
It’s confusing because isn’t Prince William’s “work” supposed to be as some kind of helicopter air ambulance pilot?
So, what’s that got to do with rhinos and giraffes and hippos and elephants?
And then it gets even more confusing because they talk about Kate Middleton “taking maternity leave.” Now, I thought that to “take maternity leave” one had to actually be employed.
And Kate is NOT employed. Not a bit! Not anywhere! Not by anyone!
It’s not like Becky-down-in-accounts-receivable is angling to take Kate’s desk away, or dropping off her CV in the personnel office “just in case.” Nor is Kate offering to “telecommute” from Anmer Hall.
Kate has never held a real, full-time job, unless you count her part-time gig selecting chain belts and pashimas and gee-gaws for a store.
So how do unemployed royals rate “maternity leave” and “paternity leave?”
And let’s not lose sight of the fact that Prince William owns his own foundation that is holding that wildlife conference in Switzerland, so he can do anything he wants, and schedule it at any time!
So why is Prince William running away?
He’s got to also meet and greet the all-female British soccer team, the Lionesses.
Think of everything he will miss that is going on at Anmer Hall!
Carole planning all the meals (including those “lavish breakfasts”); Carole cooking meals (because apparently, the cook has come and gone); Pippa blending baby food from organic scratch (but only for Prince George surely because Baby Princess Charlotte is not yet on solids); James showing off his marshmallows; Michael taking the “first” baby photos and telling little George all about the good old days when Grandpa was a British Airways, wait, I mean, uhm, a flight inspector....drat, can’t find that license anywhere! Or was it a plane cabin cleaner? The tiny-drinks-bottles counter? Skycap? Baggage handler? (Don’t laugh–they have quite a nice union)...or the son of somebody....sigh– well, Michael can tell little George some big whopping stories, anyway; the Surrogate breast-feeding the baby....uh! Uh! Uh! Get lost, you dastardly Birth Truthers!! Anyway, on with the list of unmissables– Uncle Gary still hunting down the cyclist who accidentally ran over his adorable Chihuahua; and all those colorful friends who host sex orgies and the like.
Who would want to run away from all that?
Especially when one has accrued so much paternity leave! Right?
Oh, wait– Prince William is taking six weeks of paternity leave for a job he hasn’t even started yet?
How does that work, exactly?
Don’t you already have to BE working, in order to take OFF from working?
British newspapers say that Prince William had only finished his “training” for a job he’s not yet started.
Maybe Prince William just wants to be alone, and mull over the Queen’s rumored order that he not allow Kate Middleton to produce any more offspring. Or show up at the hospital holding a baby. Or purportedly have a baby all by herself, alone in a hospital room, with help from nobody because it all happened so fast, so very, very fast. Or to name anything or anyone else “Diana.”
Anyway, it’s off to Switzerland with Prince William!
And we thought he was going to stay at Anmer Hall, do the nesting-in thing, enjoy his paternity leave, help Kate enjoy her “maternity leave,” and help Carole boil the nappies and do the button-punching on Pippa’s blender.
Just when things are about to get super-homey, Middleton-style!
Prince William has to leave.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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