Where to start, where to start!

It’s a bloody crime scene.

Queen Elizabeth II is missing a Commonwealth meeting, and is sending her son and heir apparent, Charles, Prince of Wales, in her stead.

The British are getting tired and fed-up with the ever-maneuvering Middletons, especially with Mamma Carole Middleton, who is now trumpeted by none other than "Tattler Magazine" (a very upper-crust fusion of Vogue and The Enquirer) as being the new "power behind the throne," due mostly to her insistence upon controlling William and Kate, and now getting her talons into the new royal baby.

Those "sources close to the Duchess of Cambridge" are back.

And boy, are they yapping!

Where will Kate Middleton and Prince William’s baby be born?

It’s a mystery.

They are laying low.

Yes. Call it a "tour of Scotland" if you like, but Prince William and Kate Middleton literally disappeared from London just before Easter, and then popped up quite unexpectedly in Scotland with Prince Charles on what some London newspapers called "a tour."

 I called him "Purple Shirt Man" until a few days ago.

Look at the moving white coat, the stick-thin legs encased in black tights, and a shank of brown hair. Why, its...Kate Middleton. And she’s...

Duh, duh, duh!

The Herald Sun says that Hilary Mantel, who recently called Kate Middleton "a machine-made princess" with a plastic smile, got it partly right: "It’s no coincidence that any time" Kate "is captured in anything other than knee-length, demure smile, sensible shoe crispnesss the Palace unleashes its fury.