cantaloupeDoes Kate have a “glam squad?”

That’s how some Middleton suckers-up are trying to explain away more allegations of surrogacy.

“Kate didn’t fake her pregnancy or delivery,” the suckers-up say. “She’s just naturally more beautiful, more genetically superior than any other women on the planet, and she has the best glam squad in the world.” http://www.thegloss.com/2015/05/04/beauty/kate-middleton-royal-baby-surrogate-conspiracy-theory-russia-photos/.


“‘Glam Squad?’”

You mean, the two women who blow out Kate’s hair extensions, smear makeup on her face, and select thousand dollar dresses and hooker high heels? That “Glam Squad?’

They can certainly make Kate look, oh, how did that famous writer Hilary Mantel put it, like a lifeless mannequin. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/kate-middleton/9878818/Hilary-Mantel-portrays-Duchess-of-Cambridge-as-a-shop-window-mannequin.html.

But can Kate’s “Glam Squad” do anything about her vagina?

Not likely.

Kate is anorexically thin, I’ll grant you that– so thin and bony that some people even doubt she’s a woman! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwrs4OKZCDo; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl2z7V9UxV8; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-vpV5WcJsE.

But that’s very extreme.

Others believe she is genetically a man with a rare hormonal disorder who’s been deceptively living as a female since birth. https://www.genderselectionauthority.com/klinefelters-syndrome-explained.

But that’s also very extreme.

Me, I am totally unsure about whether Kate Middleton is really a man. I can’t imagine it!

I am just an old-fashioned kind of person. I still haven’t recovered my equilibrium from Sir Elton John marrying Renata Blauel! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBCIoMcWN_g. And then, just as soon as I got used to them being Mr. And Mrs. Sir Elton John, I then had to get used to Elton John divorcing Renata Blauel and marrying whatshisnamefurniture. http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20100672,00.html. I mean, David Furnish. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS3qUa37d6o.

But I do know that, male or female, there are some things that a “glam squad“ can’t help you with.

I do know that, ordinarily, a pregnant woman giving birth has to push a baby’s head out through her cervix and then vagina, and to do that, the cervix has to be dilated– as in, it must expand.

So, here’s a small biology lesson.

Go to the fruit section of your supermarket, and pick up a zucchini, or nice summer squash (not too bendy!).http://mrm-usa.com/friday-fun-fact-zucchini.html. Or, if you are lucky and must show off, go for the cucumbers, if your husband is exceptionally endowed (like Prince Charles). https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/vegetable/cucumber.html. If he’s not, try a carrot, Now, who doesn’t like carrots? And they are so good for your eyesight! http://www.healthbenefitstimes.com/health-benefits-of-carrot/.

Anyway, zucchini, summer squash, cucumber, carrot. Hold at least one of these in your hand. Without drawing too much attention to yourself in the aisle, put your fingers around it That is the size of an erect male penis, usually– something that may or may not go inside the vagina easily. The cervix isn’t involved in this part.

Now, walk over to the cantaloupe section, and pick up one of the smaller ones. http://www.eating42.com/pregnancy-stages/your-pregnancy-week-31-the-cantaloupe-melon/#sthash.g8aGDWn1.dpbs. Or perhaps a large grapefruit. http://creative-zone.net/en/grapefruit/. Hold that in your hand. This is about the size of the baby’s head, and this is the part that usually comes out first.

Through the cervix, and then the vagina. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE92XhfVXYU.

You remember the vagina, surely. It’s that place where Kate Middleton is always pressing her clutch bag! Or...fiddling! http://royalchatter.com/index.php?topic=1135.0.

Now, guy/gals like Bruce Jenner can pay doctors to build them a pretty serviceable vagina. But I don’t think they can yet buy a cervix–that’s a genuinely female body part, and you’re either born with one or you’re not.

As you can see while holding the large grapefruit or small cantaloupe, the cervix must become a LOT wider to let the baby’s head come out. http://themidwifeisin.tumblr.com/post/88393464852/when-should-i-have-my-dilation-checked-getting.

Ordinarily, the cervix starts dilating, all by itself, to get ready for childbirth which, for everyone else in the world except Kate Middleton and some select movie stars, is called “labor.”

Did you not see the oh-so-graphic home video that Uncle Maury made of Auntie Guenevere’s delivery of Cousin Max? Just turn off the sound.

There is usually a bit, or quite a bit, of bloody fluid, placenta, and the like that also accompanies childbirth. http://entergentlyblog.blogspot.com/2011/03/dagyn-beannacht-mason.html. Because of the physical strain and flushing out of bodily fluids, very often, a pregnant woman giving birth vaginally or by C-section is given fluids intravenously. http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/835065/ivs-during-labor.

This means that if your insurance is all paid up or you are lucky enough to be on the National Plan, you get a tube put into a vein that is placed, most often, on top of your hand. This tube is your IV line. This helps women stay alert and hydrated. Usually, unless you are some kind of laboratory-concocted super being with super powers, the IV leaves a big ole’ bruise behind.

Did Kate not have this standard measure? It doesn’t look like it. No incision! No band aid! No bruise! No marks on her hand of any kind! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCdgWph0ldA.

So, either Kate is a super-species member, has those super-duper superior genes that Carole is always bragging about, or her doctor thought she could drink water during her delivery, or maybe they just didn’t do it.

Now, while you’re still in the supermarket, walk down the aisle to where they have the diapers, sanitary napkins, tampons and the like. Don’t open the tampon box, or Prince Charles might jump out! http://menstruationresearch.org/2011/08/29/menstruation-prince-charles-and-the-biggest-hacking-scandal/.

Haha, just kidding, although Prince Charles did say he wanted to be not just one tampon up Camilla’s vagina, but a whole box of tampons. Or was that Camilla’s wish for him? Oh, it’s been so long since I read that sexy Camillagate transcript! http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2005/feb/10/monarchy.constitution1; http://www.ubermorgen.com/UM/camilla.txt.

Who needs “Fifty Shades of Grey” when we have sexy Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla? http://s47.photobucket.com/user/kathy1964a/media/camilla/00-floozy-camsie.jpg.html.

This is why I want Prince Charles to be king! Sexy, sexy, sexy....

Triple “S!” Or should it be...”X?” http://myfungalaxy.blogspot.com/2008/04/prince-charles-caught-naked-when.html?zx=2e0b044346344b6.

Makes me want to rush back to the cucumber section! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/14/prince-charles-pictures_n_4274633.html; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOMunIOyGN8;

Anyway, if you are still in the supermarket, go to the place where the sanitary napkins are. But first, check out this hilarious video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8&feature=youtu.be.

Now, find the biggest sanitary napkins they sell. http://www.kotex.com/na/articles-info/feminine-protection-after-pregnancy/30202.

Look at the ones that are the size of a beat policeman’s notebad. At least. Or a small paperback book like you can buy at the airport. Or an entire rectangular box of Kleenex. This is what a woman who’s just given birth wears to absorb the fluids running out from her vagina. http://community.babycenter.com/post/a4614805/what_brand_maxipads_for_post_partum.

If she can’t find any, she can probably get away with wearing one of the infant diapers as a maxipad.

She often receives, free from the hospital, a gigantic pair of granny panties to hold the maxipad down. http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/011520138-pieces-of-post-partum-swag-to-pamper-your-parts/.

Now, here’s where we come to the sure proof that Kate Middleton was NEVER pregnant with Princess Charlotte and did not physically give birth to her: What any woman who has just genuinely pushed the small cantaloupe or large grapefruit out through her cervix and vagina, and has just put on a monster pair of granny panties with an enormous “maxipad” sanitary napkin is...then puts on a very expensive white dress!

Let alone a bespoke, high-end designer dress that must cost, oh, in the realm of something like $5,000? http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/kate-middleton-glows-yellow-jenny-packham-buttercup-dress-article-1.2207932.

White dress? Even one with dinky little yellow flowers on the top of it?

That’s just not going to happen. So risky! You’d be terrified that the giant maxipad would shift around, that your granny-pantyline would show, that you would have a pointy bulge, or, the absolute worse, that you might have some leakage that would cause a big red splotch that would be photographed and tweeted around the world!

And we haven’t even talked about those hooker high heels yet!

The Russians may not have walked on the moon, but Pravda’s right about what it wrote about the new royal baby.

Kate Middleton very likely did not physically give birth, through her vagina, on the date claimed, as described.

And you don’t have to be Russian to see that it’s all a big, fat lie!

Just visit the melon supermarket section, and use your brain!

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burgerWhere’s the bump?


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