Where is Kate Middleton and her baby bump?

Does Kate Middleton have a genuine baby bump under that floppy plaid poncho?

The British newspapers all say “yes.”

But is it really a baby bump, as in a genuinely gestating fetus?

Or is it just a wad of mashed-up panty hose and Kleenex stuck into Kate’s waistband, like under-endowed 12 year-old girls used to stuff into their bras before all the extra estrogen in their diets turned even 10 year-old girls into 34 Bs?

Is a real royal fetus gestating somewhere in a healthy, fertile surrogate mummy’s tummy?

Bloggers keep claiming that Kate Middleton’s been waltzing around London town, shopping her heart out and sipping artisan coffee drinks for the past month.

Really?

Are you sure?

One website, “The Cut,” bemusedly observed of Kate’s appearances that, “like every other time she has wandered around in public over the past two weeks, supposedly nobody noticed her.”  Or her bump.  Or any bump.  Says “The Cut:” “There are three explanations for this: First, Kate must be good at looking normal, even — dare we say — common; second, her security must be unobtrusive; and third, British people must be militant about minding their own business — at least in public.”

But I can think of one more–Kate has a double! A Doppelganger!  And Doppelganger Kate was the one who was out last week, walking around, to take attention away from the people asking where the real Kate Middleton is.  And where her baby bump is.  Or isn’t.

And it’s possible that the real Kate was taking a beach breaky with her ever-present Middleton parents and siblings.  It might be Mustique, it might be somewhere even more remote and paparazzo-less, like the super-top secret, super-isolated British-U.S. naval base on Diego Garcia, a coral atoll in the Indian Ocean.

Why might this be a better guess than jumping around excitedly at all these alleged “sightings?” Except for last Saturday’s, which we believe is real because not even a doppelganger can easily imitate that haughty, parvenue-driven “look-at-me-I-am-a-duchess” smirk that is now forever memorialized in her controversial first portrait.

Sheesh!

It’s a better guess for the very same reasons “The Cut” just gave: First, Kate is common-looking, with common features, and she covers her face with long brown hair.  You see girls who look like her everywhere.  Secretaries and shop clerks are now reportedly living in darkness and without running water in order to pay plastic surgeons gobs of money to surgically enhance their noses, just exactly as Kate had her own snout re-done.  

Sheesh!  I mean, allegedly re-done.

And lots of young women have long brown hair.  In fact, similar-looking brunette women are already imitating Middleton as highly-paid “doppelgangers” for software conventions in Japan, so why not hire one to walk around London and get everyone worked up?  If the retail economy needs bolstering, why not hire a paid doppelganger Kate to prance around and buy a floppy plaid poncho that others might think twice about buying (as opposed to paying their light bill)?  

Royal doppelgangers create economies that way, and they are very good at it.  Heidi Agan, a former waitress at Frankie & Benny’s burger joint, gave up a promising career as a waitress to imitate Kate for $1,000 per event, and she is completely Kate’s physical double–and has the blue Issa dress to prove it.  According to the New York Daily News, Heidi is so doppelgangerish that even her own 3 year-old daughter thinks that she is Kate Middleton!  What Heidi says she won’t do, though, is imitate Kate stripping topless and bottomless and doing the balcony dance because, Heidi says, “I’m a mum-of-two.”

Sheesh!

There are some things that not even paid doppelgangers will do for money.

Second, nobody remembers seeing any security when Kate went on these purported unescorted walkabouts last month, and the Royals always have security.  Always.  Especially if they are supposedly pregnant and carrying around the unborn heir apparent of the heir apparent to the throne.  Can you imagine the panicked mayhem that might arise if someone tried to kidnap Kate and her royal  fetus?  Do you really think that Buckingham Palace would allow Kate to just waltz around London by herself?  You may not see ALL of Kate’s security detail, but you’d surely see some of them.  They are usually male, with ear wiggies and bulges where the handguns hide.  Before her Panorama Interview, Princess Diana was escorted by an armed security detail even to her lover’s mother’s home for her adulterous trysts.  Royal children get armed guards, and so do royal fetuses.  But paid doppelgangers pretending to be royals on shopping and coffee-sipping trips are not yet entitled to state security.  Or maybe they are entitled to doppelganger security, which could well look similar to real security, but be less obtrusive.  

Sheesh!  

But on this latest jaunt about to air out her new floppy plaid poncho, we did see Kate standing next to quite a dashing-looking, hunky man.  Tall, dark, and handsome.  Ooh!  If we had to invent a royal security guard for ourselves, we don’t think that we could do better than that one–right down to his noticeable wedding ring. This is yet another reason that we believe that Saturday’s plaid poncho sighting was really Kate, and not her doppelganger.  We’d remember that dark, handsome wedding-ringed man if he’d been with her on the other alleged outings, and he wasn’t there, we don’t think.  Or maybe his doppelganger was otherwise engaged.  

Or maybe that floppy plaid poncho just blinded us.

Sheesh!

So perhaps Saturday’s sighting is the real Kate.

Third, British people may be less loud than Americans when they see a celebrity (because that is what Kate Middleton actually is–a celebrity), but they’d still make an amazing profit from snapping a pic of a genuine Royal, and there are plenty of pics snapped of Kate when she’s truly out and about–just like the Saturday shopping pic.  Frankly, if Kate really had been in town and strolling into StarBuck’s all alone, the paparazzi would be right there and thi- close, so....  But Saturday’s sighting has produced a paparazzi pic, so it must be the real Kate.

But maybe last month, Kate was on Mustique.  Or Diego Garcia.  Or it could be that the surrogate mummy with the genuine mummy-tummy is hiding out on one of those exotic places, resting and eating pie and milkshakes while a dark, handsome, wedding-ringed gentleman in crisp naval whites fans the flies away.  We may never know.

Sheesh!

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