Is Kate Middleton "yummy?"
And by "yummy," we mean that photos and videos of the road to Kate Middleton’s crotch made it into international television last week as she hit shot after volleyball shot at a so-called charity sports event.
Balancing and jumping up and down on cork-wedge sandals that looked to be in excess of six inches high, Kate entertained young and old alike by repeatedly yanking her arms up over her head so that her cropped sweater gave the whole world a good view of Kate’s tummy.
Tummy, as in torso. As in, that wide, expansive area of naked body just below her boobs to just above her crotch.
We expect that with a high-powered resolution maneuver, the top row of Kate’s pubic hairs can easily be seen above the crotch-line of her jeggings (that odd pantalonic cross between jeans and leggings that, in Kate’s case, appears to be sprayed-on).
If the internet chat rooms are evidence, many admirers found Kate Middleton’s flashing about of the roadway to her crotch "yummy."
Male admirers in particular mentioned desires of wanting to park their own vehicles in the area internet chatters now designate as "Kate’s garage."
So yes, it seems certain that Kate is yummy.
But is Kate Middleton really a "yummy mummy?"
As in "mommy?"
Well, we know that Kate is a now officially a mother, and possesses a baby to prove it because we saw Kate and Prince William stand outside the maternity hospital, each taking turns holding an infant who said to be the heir apparent of the heir apparent of the heir apparent to the British throne. William and Kate then put this infant into a very nice Range Rover, and drove away.
But seeing Kate that same day, standing on those steps in high-heeled wedges, skipping and strutting about and displaying her still-overlarge, engorged, rounded stomach, bigger than three cantaloupes made us wonder whether Kate herself had yet given birth! Or perhaps she really had twins, and one of them had refused to come out.
Some of the Birth Truthers, who claim Middleton used a surrogate and only pretended to be pregnant, suggested that perhaps Kate had simply decided to leave the hospital wearing the same 9-month super-sized pregnancy prosthesis belly that she came in with.
I mean, it’s not like she could just walk out carrying a gigantic hat box! Someone might wonder what was in that gigantic hat box, and give it a yank!
How else to safely get that rubber prosthesis out, without questions?
I mean, nobody was going to yank up the bottom of Kate’s skin-tight polka dot dress and take a gander of what was really going on down there!
Or not going on.
But now, almost three months after the hospital-steps baby show and no-tell episode, Britain’s Birth Truthers have not had to yank any of Kate clothing up or down to search for proof that Kate actually gave birth herself. No! Kate Middleton did that herself, just a few days ago! She yanked her own sweater top and jegging bottoms up and down and now, Kate Middleton herself, doing the volleyball striptease, has given the Birth Truthers new reasons to assert that what Kate Middleton’s "close sources" called her "perfect pregnancy" was just a sham.
Yes! Kate went on television and gleefully showed us all the road to her crotch!
And by "crotch," we mean Kate’s pubic area and vagina. Yes. Her vagina–that area of the female body where the baby emerges from during the act of birth (absent a Caesarian section).
Or was it an "oops?" Funny thing. Surely Kate knew that she was flashing the road to her crotch before television cameras as she played volleyball for her charity. I mean, she showed so much skin, so many times, that it had to have even been cold down there!
Having already entertained the general public for over a decade by hiking up her miniskirts and flashing her actual crotch to photographers, Kate Middleton, wife of the heir apparent of the heir apparent and mother of the heir apparent to these two, is now gleefully treating us to very clear videos of the road to Kate’s crotch–that lengthy epidermal highway that Prince William presumably drives his equipment over on his way to park it all in Kate’s garage. And videos mean that there are at least tens of still-shots of the road to Kate’s crotch.
We know this because we saw them all on television and online just days ago!
What makes the Birth Truthers suspect that Kate’s sweater jump-up and jegging jump-down that showed the road to her crotch means that Kate’s pregnancy was a sham?
Why, first because Kate’s yummy mummy tummy and all below that was flat as a pancake, without an ounce of any little wobbly fleshy parts that so normally remain following a "perfect pregnancy!" Kate showed off a yummy tummy when she spiked that volleyball, but most people, especially women who themselves have given birth, deduced that this was not a genuine mummy’s yummy tummy! Especially since Kate had previously exhibited such an enormously round jelly belly that pushed out well beyond the slinky parameters of that odd polka dot dress, days following her baby’s alleged birth from her. Ordinarily, a woman who’s just given birth still has some jelly belly, but no longer looks as though she’s swallowed a watermelon. No! The watermelon is the little creature now kicking and moving about in the white blankey-thingy like a struggling puppy or baby goat!
A new mother usually does not both give birth to her watermelon and still carry an extra watermelon about. A genuine birth-mummy’s tummy may look swollen and a bit flacid, but Kate’s post-birth tummy looked positively like she was still going nine-months’ strong!
And no amount of Pilates can reduce this jelly belly so soon!
At least, this is what the Birth Truthers theorize.
Also, Birth Truthers point out that yummy mummy Kate’s tummy showed no sign of a linea nigra –that tell-tale vertical black line that typically runs most noticeably from a pregnant woman’s belly button to her pubic area. In some cases, the linea nigra goes from the pubis to just below the breasts. But it is there, it’s dark, and it’s very noticeable. The linea nigra appears because of an excess of the melanocyte-stimulating hormone made by the placenta.
Placenta. As in, that thing that genuinely pregnant yummy mummies have. That thing in which a genuinely-carried fetus grows until the moment of its birth.
The same hormone that naturally draws the linea nigra up and down a pregnant woman’s abdomen is the same hormone that typically darkens a pregnant woman’s nipples, and this darkness is typically seen in naturally dark-haired women. And we all know that Kate is naturally dark-haired and, given those wild nudie French balcony pics, we all know that her breast nipples are dark as, well, uhm, black raisins! Or dried prunes! Or Anne Boleyn’s moles! Or coal, doe-eyes, obsidian...oh, just name your metaphor and be done with it!
I guess that if anyone is going to have a linea nigra that would show up when she played volleyball and hiked up her shorty sweater and let her jeggins slide down, it would be Kate Middleton.
So....where’d it go?
There was no linea nigra in sight! Not a line, not a hint, not so much as a vapor.
Now, not all pregnant women develop this, but about 70 percent do. And almost natural brunettes do.
Natural blonds, not so much.
But in those brunette yummy mummies, the linea nigra lingers for months on the tummy after the mummy gives birth.
So...where’d Kate’s go?
The Birth Truthers say it was never there to begin with because Kate was never pregnant.
Meanwhile, though, post-partum or post-hocus pocus, Prince William’s wife has treated us all to yet another display of her naked body.
Is it yummy? Is Kate a mummy? What’s the real deal with her naked tummy?
If you keep saying that she’s going to be queen one day, maybe you’re just a dummy!
But no jelly belly and no linea nigra means something’s funny.