Bum deals: Kate Middleton’s naked butt, Pippa's false buns

Written by  // Monday, 26 May 2014 14:52 //

kate-pippaSprechen zie Deutsch?

Then you’re in luck.

At least, you are in luck if you care about the latest photos of Kate Middleton’s naked bum.

 No, no, no....not her brother, cross-dressing James Middleton.  And not even Kate’s hapless Uncle Gary Middleton.

No, no, no....  It’s not Prince William or Prince Harry, either, or even sister Pippa’s slow-as-molasses-in-January-to-commit alleged serious boyfriend, Nico Jackson.

It’s really Kate’s own bum!  As in her backside.  Her Bum..

For those readers, wondering further, “bum” is the British/Australian equivalent of "butt"

There is no buts about it.  A good view of Kate’s naked behind is all over the German internet news giant, Bild.

Reportedly, if you sprechen zie Deutsch, you can read about how a lucky snap by amateur photographer Diane Morel caught Kate without any underwear on, just as the wind from a helicopter raised her dress’s skirt up above her waist.http://www.bild.de/unterhaltung/royals/catherine-mountbatten-windsor/kleiderverbot-fuer-die-herzogin-36122910.bild.html

And showed us her naked bum.


Even if you don’t understand a word of German, the photos Bild has of Kate Middleton’s naked bum are well worth a gander.

Or two.  Or three.

There’s nothing lurid about looking, really.  In fact, Kate’s backside appears to be a bit bony.

But it’s true that Kate Middleton is nekked as a jay bird.  And at least they can cover up with feathers.

This latest sighting of Kate’s naked bum happened when she and her husband, Prince William, were representing Queen Elizabeth II on an official state visit to Australia and New Zealand.

Now, this trip was sooooooooo important that Kate was allowed to bring along a hairdresser who did whatever she did to groom Kate’s hair which is long, brown, and pretty much just lies there being straight, except when she ties it up into an uber pony tail with a rubber thingy.

But apparently, none of all this constant costly attention could keep Kate’s skirts from flying up and showing us her naked bum.

Again. And again.

And it isn’t just about Kate’s dress flapping over her head like wash hanging outside on the line.

It’s about the fact that nothing comes between Kate and her, well, nothing.  It’s one thing not to wear underpants when you are wearing other clothing covering your naked bum, like a pair of pants, or a dress long and heavy enough not to flip-flap about.

It’s quite another to simply dispense with underpants entirely.

Which Kate did.  The Bild photos show Kate’s bum to be naked.

Any more of a view, and we’d be taking a biology class.

What all this confirms is that Kate got the good naked bum genes in the Middleton family, unlike her sister, Pippa Middleton, who is allegedly less well-endowed in the bum department (although now she has one with money following her about, and even said to be buying a house costing several million dollars with her.

Does Pippa’s boyfriend Nico know what he’s getting into?

Can one snuggle up to a rubber padded thingy in front of the fire, on those cold winter nights, in one’s several million dollar home?

Apparently so.

Last month, a French fashion expert officially announced that Pippa Middleton wore a false behind to her sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William.  Pippa, a woman heading into thirty and no engagement or marriage then in sight, memorably slinked and slithered around the abbey in a sexy siren white gown.

In her walk up the Westminster Abbey aisle behind her sister and a gaggle of toddling children, Pippa looked a bit old for her supporting bridal role, frankly.

Aging bridesmaids used to be very much an American phenomenon.

But the excitement about Pippa traipsing around the Abbey turned out to be all about Pippa’s bum.

Round and peach-shaped and rolling around inside the silk confines of Pippa’s wedding finery like two ripe melons in a grocery paper bag, appreciative royal wedding viewers wrote affectionate odes full of admiration and longing about Pippa’s oscillating bum.

The global audience was so turned on and sexually excited by the Pippa and her silk-clad bum that they created facebook pages for it!

But then, we were all terribly let down when the French bum expert declared Pippa’s bum to be an imposter.  Fake!

Most likely a rubber prosthesis, or some kind of clever padding and Spanx-like combination.

Aunt Gertrude wants to know whether Pippa has disclosed all there is to know about her allegedly fake bum to her alleged fiancé, Nico.

Meanwhile, sister Kate’s derriere continues to make the news.

Underneath her pricey designer this and thats, Kate Middleton is nekked as a Jay bird.  Actually, I was never entirely sure what that particular southernism meant.  Don’t sayings like these have deeper meanings, because Blue Jays have feathers, so how can they be naked?  And although I’ve seen a ton of Blue Jays, I’ve never been flashed by one.  

Even Jay birds have manners.  

Kate Middleton, on the other hand, routinely walks around pantyless as though she is acting out some kind of disturbing sexual issues.  What could it be?  Incest?  Abuse?  An eating disorder? Or is it more of an insatiable need for attention?

One wonders what a conservative parent might think when Kate, wearing no panties and a short-short skirt, picks up their helpless baby or skips over to play with their engaging toddler or pubescent child in a school or hospital setting.  If teachers and physicians are required to wear underwear to work around children, then shouldn’t Kate Middleton do the same?

Honestly, would you let a man who you knew had on no underwear handle your child, especially if the clothes he wore carried a risk of showing your offspring his pee-pee or his backside?

I don’t think most people would do that.

And if that man had a ‘wardrobe malfunction” while playing with a child, I bet that many parents  would call the police.  Except for those parents who thought it was a good idea for their 10-year old to sleep with Michael Jackson in his bed, and can’t imagine what the big fuss was all about.

I would bet that the new Italian nanny wears a virtual fortress of underwear around Baby Boy George!

Unless Stanley Kubrick was on the money and the royals are all living out “Eyes Wide Shut” and the Illuminati do in fact reign.

It used to be that the Royal Family had a great deal of self-discipline when it came to airing out personal matters, until the late Princess Diana’s vast emotional neediness blew the lid off an image of steady family life that Buckingham Palace had carefully crafted since Queen Victoria’s days.  

Maybe it’s time to raid Victoria’s secret closet.  Or Victoria Secret’s closet, because at least they sell underwear there.   Lots of it.

Time for Kate to go shopping!

She can just send the bill along to the men in grey.

Makes one wonder if Kate’s public absence as of late is indeed a forced exile by the Queen and company.

After all, a slap on the bum punishment likely wouldn’t do much to change the Princess’s nekked behavior.  Actually, it just might be what she is seeking, anyway.

Sarah Whalen

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