Tuesday, 05 April 2016 16:06

Vote Trump; "Bring Testosterone back" to America's White House

Written by
Rate this item
(2 votes)

by Sarah Whalen

Some harpies think that the “T” in “Trump” stands for “Tyrant.”

But other women think it stands for something very different, and increasingly rare among males everywhere.

Call it “Testosterone.”


Like cholesterol, there is a good kind of testosterone, and a bad kind.

But if you drain away all the testosterone from a healthy man, you can turn a muscled, rippled-abs Olympic athlete into...into..., well you turn Bruce Jenner into Caitlyn.

But I guess Jenner did that all by himself.  

It’s like that movie I just saw on a plane, “The Danish Girl,” wherein a married, outwardly-heterosexual painter starts dressing up in his wife’s clothes and metamorphasizes into, well, a man in woman’s clothing who teaches everyone a great moral lesson, and things go more or less fine in the movie until he decides he cannot live one more moment with his thingamajig that God mistakenly attached to himself, and that he wants a real vagina and a real uterus and real ovaries.

See, the movie glosses over that part, as well as the loony doctor who claimed he could give it to him, and that he, “the Danish girl,” could have babies with his male lover.

The movie also glosses over the then-scandalous divorce of “the Danish girl” from his wife, which was ordered by His Majesty the King of Denmark, who was working on the theory that a man who detached himself from his thingamajig could no longer be married to a woman, even if the woman was said to be fundamentally a lesbian (another element the movie glosses over, but which might have made it a lot more popular in some quarters).

Anyway, regardless of what happens in Wisconsin, the Republican Party has finally outed itself as the party that not only lost its way but lost its testosterone as soon as Ronald Reagan retired.

And I say “retired” instead of “finished his term as president” because most of the United States might have liked Ronald Reagan to just keep on keeping on forever.

Instead, we got those Bushes, and that made it hard initially to go into the Middle East and wreck havoc because, when people looked at George and Bar, they kind of shook their heads and stroked their chins and said, “Where’s the testosterone?”

It’s not a good idea to enter any war without it.  Testosterone is what we look for in our Commander in Chief.

And I don’t care what those feminists say.

Entering war is about winning, not proving that women are equal or better to men blah, blah, blah.

Instead, with George and Bar, we got a wimpy, emasculated guy with an overdone resume and a muscular wife who dressed like a prison matron whose main job seemed to be keeping everyone in line.  Americans then elected George and Bar's son who squandered his testosterone by riding his mountain bike around an isolated ranch near a fake town that seemed created simply to project Bush-the-Younger as a man with a lot of testosterone.

And Jeb wonders why things didn’t go his way this go-round?

It’s because he had no testosterone, and didn’t try to hide the fact.

If Jeb had only mounted that mountain bike and pedaled up and down some hills, and cleared the bush on the fake ranch in the fake town, well, he would have had more than a chance at becoming president.  Jeb would have looked like a guy who is fueled by testosterone, which translates into more votes.   

Anyway, the United States has been without a testosterone-infused leader– real testosterone--for so long we no longer know what that means.

But now, there is the “Great Awakening.”

Yup.  That sweet smell of testosterone is in the air.

It smells like...like...like...napalm in the morning!

Which is why people get so edgy about Donald Trump’s candidacy.

Are we a nation that can no longer handle “The ‘T’ Word?”

Testosterone, testosterone, testosterone....

People shriek that Trump is “Hitler,” but I know that isn’t true because Hitler had zero testosterone.  It was always a problem for him.  Just ask Eva.

Donald Trump is a populist, which means that, fundamentally, he is “popular”– the candidate of the people.  He may have flubbed on the idea of punishing women for getting abortions– a theoretical construct, for sure.  We all know that he married Marla Maples when she got pregnant with Tiffany, so that is an indication that he walks the walk and does more than talk the anti-abortion line.  He got stuck for a moment when questioned about whether, if abortion were criminalized again, the law should provide punishment for that “crime.”  And since it is odd, logically, for a crime not to come with fitting punishment of some kind, Trump did what no politician has ever done– at least, not recently, and he answered truthfully that yes, some punishment for breaking a law might theoretically be in order.

But the same feminism that has launched Hilary Clinton’s ship into the presidential election cries out that pregnant women are “victims,” and should not be punished for obtaining abortions even if abortion were criminalized.

I personally think it is odd to refer to a pregnant woman as a “victim” of having sex with men, although like politicians of the past, I would make an exception for rape and incest, and I think there used to be a third thing, but abortion has been legal for so long that I forget what it is.

Anyway, a Donald Trump presidency would mean that the testosterone with a capital “T” will flood back into Washington, D.C., which is where testosterone belongs.

The testosteroneless wimps that warp our domestic and foreign policies will have to “man up” or move out.

And unlike John F. Kennedy, the president whose testosterone fueled a thousand conspiracy theories involving Marilyn Monroe, Trump seems to be a true family man–fundamentally.

Like the great kings of old, he personifies certain values that people secretly admire– the acquiring of great wealth, many beautiful, sexy and fertile wives, and accomplished and handsome children.  He doesn’t pick fights, but he doesn’t run from them, either, and he will get the first lick in if he can.  If you bully him, he will bully you back, and far more successfully, which makes all the wimps weep and run to the teacher for cover.  These are all the product of the “T” in “Trump” that stands for “Testosterone.”

Today, we call them Trump’s testosterone antics.  Tomorrow, they will become successful statecraft.

Isn’t it time that America got its testosterone back?

No wonder the Republican elite is on the run.



Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.


 Optimized-DeadPelican2 1 1 latter-blum2   organization

Dead Pelican

Optimized-DeadPelican2 1 1