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Thursday, 07 April 2016 14:31

For Donald Trump and Kate Middleton: Trouble is in the hair

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Think that Donald Trump has troubles in Wisconsin?

Did the women and minorities and Trump Haters not want to run their fingers through the longest comb-over in the world?  Did they swing their votes to the Socialist candidate and Grandpa Munster?

That is nothing compared with the troubling goings-on in Great Britain, where Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, abandoned the Queen at Windsor Castle and his wife and children and in-laws at Anmer Hall over the Easter holidays to fly off to the wedding of his dishy former flame, Jecca Craig.

In Kenya.  As in Africa.  On a mountaintop overlooking this enormous game reserve where the deer and the antelope play.

Kate Middleton did not accompany her husband, although sources were quick to note that she “had been invited.”

Then, in a bout of true petulance, Kate refused to perform the one official royal duty she’s undertaken with any regularity since her marriage into the British Royal Family– handing out the annual shamrocks to the Irish Guards on St. Patrick’s Day, and bestowing a friendly pat upon the Regiment’s mascot dog– an Irish Wolfhound (of course– what other kind of dog might it be?).

Instead of doing her duty (performed with aplomb by Princess Anne for many years and many other royals before, including the glorious Princess Alexandra before she became queen consort), Kate stayed “home” at Anmer Hall.  You remember Anmer Hall– that enormous Sandringham mansion that actually belongs to Prince William’s grandmother, the reigning Queen Elizabeth II, where William and Kate live for free.

Nothing expresses Kate’s gratitude for the palatial free digs more than refusing to perform a minor royal duty for the benefit of the military.

Handing out the little shamrock bunches while a band plays and soldiers stand at attention doesn’t take that much effort, and Kate has handed out “the green” for, oh, about four years now– once a year.  Because St. Patrick’s Day in London is typically raining and cold, Kate is usually well-covered by a woolen coat of sensible length for the bestowing-of-the-shamrocks ceremony, and so the public has not been treated to a view of her naked rear end on these occasions.  But this year, Jecca Craig’s impending nuptials in faraway Kenya loomed over the Easter holidays like a nasty grey cloud with no silver lining.

And Willie went.  To Africa.  Without his wife.  Ditching his part-time job as a helicopter pilot.  Ditching his royal duties.  Ditching the Queen and his royal relatives at the annual Easter church services and walkabout at St. George’s Chapel.

Now, it’s understandable to want to ditch the Middletons and flee to Africa.  Carole and Michael are increasingly gloomy.  They have been the subject of a rumored separation ever since Carole was photographed boozing from a wine bottle held inside her purse at a racetrack.  Kate’s cross-dressing brother, James, was deemed to be such an embarrassment that he was allegedly exiled to Hong Kong to try to convince the Chinese that inky marshmallows make mighty fine gifts and people should pay top-dollar for these, topped with smeary portraits that one is actually supposed to eat and enjoy. Yet he was home for Easter– if Anmer Hall may be called his “home.”  Spinster sister Pippa has been entertaining news readers with her relentless search for a rich, titled husband– a quest which has turned into an odd kind of international sports day that just repeats and repeats on a never-ending karmic loop.  One day, Pippa is showing off her abs in the Caribbean.  Another day, she is skiing in Switzerland.  Then, she is swimming between the ice floes in Norway.  In England, she is jogging about with an Easter Bunny, but it is all the same thing– running, jogging, jumping, skiing, swimming– as the sands of time fall through the hourglass.

The only person who seems to have learned something is Kate’s Uncle Gary Goldsmith, who genetically cannot lay low, but now publicly spends his time engaging not with William and Kate but with look-alike William and Kate dummies constructed by Lego, and tweeting photos of the Lego dummies and himself about.

But what is going on with Prince William and Kate Middleton?

It looks like trouble.

Upon his return from Jecca’s Kenyan mountaintop wedding, William was reduced to making bizarre statements wherein he described Charlotte, his infant daughter (allegedly only eleven months old), as kicking a soccer ball about– an unlikely infant milestone, unless they are as mistaken as to Charlotte’s true age as they were about George’s, and we really aren’t going to go there right now.  That is a return trip back to faked pregnancies and secret births and all kinds of skullduggery, and right now we will just stick to the weddings of William’s old flames.

Because Kate’s no-showingness is not just about William’s old flame, Jecca.

Prince William and Kate Middleton noticeably also snubbed Olivia Hunt, a willowy, beauteous blond who got married just a month ago.  Olivia was Prince William’s first “serious” girlfriend at St. Andrew’s University.  Her high society wedding to a handsome prominent London lawyer was held at the historic Temple Church– a place where the effigies of long-dead Knights Templar decorate the floorboards.  How cool is that?  Olivia had been invited to Prince William’s wedding, and the Royals were expected to attend hers, but both were “no shows.”  Later, it turned out that William and Kate had snuck off to ski at a fancy French resort instead.

Because working 20 hours a week flying helicopters about is so stressful!

Or was the trip taken to avoid a scene with Kate over William attending the wedding of yet another old flame?

Kate has lately not been photographed with her face expressing anything less than a scowl.  And now, she’s refused to hand out the little bunches of tiny shamrocks, and her life is more and more reclusive.

To deter the inevitable conclusions of marital troubles, much daily ado is made of William and Kate’s upcoming trip to Bhutan and India– ad nauseam.  Yesterday, they were organizing the nannies to care for the children in their absence.  Today, the papers say, they are packing their clothes.  Kate will wear something like twelve outfits.  The royal duo may hike a bit, we are told.  Last week, their assistants took a practice run trip to make sure all goes smoothly this week.  

Even though nothing has happened, tt’s all being reported in exhaustive detail because anything else about the couple known as Willy and Waity is much too dangerous to say.  

Trouble is in the air.

Donald Trump may well rebound from his Wisconsin defeat Tuesday to a victory in New York on April 19.

But for Prince William and Kate Middleton, a similar recovery is much less clear.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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