Friday, 08 April 2016 15:52

Trump, Clinton, Sanders, Cruz and Kasich debate bagels in New York, New York primary?

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The song goes, “if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere”.

All five candidates for President are singing it, one way, or another.  Republicans Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and John Kasich and Democrats Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are firmly engaged in their own renditions of the song that Liza and Frank made so famous.  

They are hitting the boroughs, (and the rurals plus the small cities)—with love pumping through their hearts.  They are trying to spread the news, hoping to become the “king of the hill” of their respective parties, and then, the emperor of the real hill, at the nation’s capitol.  

Obviously, the Republican and Democratic candidates for President don’t  share the same TV debate stage, but, what if they did so this week, at Madison Square Gardens or site that could accommodate the massive crowds of Sanders and Trump?  How would they try to win over the hearts and minds of the nation’s most distinctive city, if not its melting pot of politics and culture?

Well, we looked into the crystal ball, saw the stage full and the first question, about to be asked:

All five candidates, with the nation watching, fielded this question: 

Hannity: So, if you are elected to be President of the United States, how would you handle the very sensitive national security and commerce issue of importing bagels into the United States.  As we all have been reading, quite a number of kosher bagel manufacturers feel like the imposter bagels from the Ukraine (and elsewhere) are eating our lunch, so to speak, as the nation eats their bagels.

Clinton: Hannity, well, that's simple.  We would continue importing them in great numbers.  We must have strategically-placed free trade.  More bagels in the United States can only be a good thing.  We can't supply enough of the existing demand, domestically.  Just to keep up, the bagel bakers here in the Bronx have to make bagels with bigger holes, give consumers more of what they want, at a good price.

Cruz:  Hillary, Dillary.  Said like a liberal.  I've got a good jump on the Jews for Cruz vote here.  Just like I've said before, we must defend, unambiguously, our Jewish bagels, not play the field like some of my competition wants to do.  Take Donald, for example-- he wants to be an honest broker on this bagel dispute.  That would not stand in a Cruz administration.  Bagel manufacturers are like property owners here in the city.  They have rights, worth protecting.

Trump: Lyin lyin, bible in the air, pants on fire, Ted.  There you go again.  My own daughter is an orthodox Jew.  I love orthodox Jews.  I love orthodox.  I love Jews in Manhatten, in the Bronx, in wherever.  I love bagels.  We MUST stop the importation of bagels and matzah, quite frankly.  The Ukraine is kicking our butt.  We are stupid, our leaders are stupid.  We lose in everything.   If we can’t stand up for our rabbis, the Hassidim, the middle-class Jews and even those on Fifth Avenue, we won’t stand up for anyone.

Sanders: Well, i was born in Brooklyn, so, I know a thing about Brooklyn Bagels, indeed.  We need to break up the bagel monopolies, like we will break up the greedy banks and Wall Street.  I am better equipped  to win the New York vote in the general election.  Plus, I've got a deeper New York accent than you, Donald.  And, like all of us from Brooklyn, it’s huuuuuge.

Trump: No you don't, "Socialist Sanders".  You have a Brooklyn accent that has been diluted by way of Vermont.  People here can tell an imported accent, just like they can see those cowboy boots 'Lyin   Ted is wearing.  No real New Yorker wears cowboy boots.  Phony.  They love me here in New York, love me.  I will make New York great.  Will make Brooklyn, great, And Queens, great. 

Kasich:  You see, that's the difference between our campaign and all of yours. I don't pander to New York voters.  I treat these people with the respect they deserve, not by throwing out nasty epitaphs.  New York doesn’t need any more sirens making all this noise, like you are making with your squeals and promises.  Plus, New Yorkers can see right through this smoke screen, red herrings you through around.  By the way, I love herring.  So does my wife.  Especially those imported from Europe.  New York happens to be my second home, next to Indiana, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.  We love this city, it's people, its bagels whether they come from New York kosher bakery or the Ukraine.  I believe in the big bagel bag.  You win by addition, not subtraction.  It is one big world.  You know, I even love bagels with Coca Cola.  I love to teach the world to sing, New York, New York.  Hey, by the way, you ever realize that a bagel looks like the rings around Saturn? I love Saturn too.

Hannnity: Next question, will be asked by that stupid, third-rate host, Meghan…

Meghan: Mr. Trump…


Last modified on Monday, 11 April 2016 12:15
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