Tuesday, 19 April 2016 11:40

Kate Middleton's latest India flash keeps her as royal butt of wardrobe malfunction jokes

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The Flash appeared in India last week.

And I don’t mean the Marvel Super Hero or alter ego Barry Allen.

I mean Kate Middleton, who has officially branded herself now as a deranged serial flasher of lady parts and nether regions.

Something’s very wrong with her– you can’t say it more plainly.

And it’s not just how much of her legs and lady parts she shows, or periodically fiddles with, or how she wears frothy, floaty skirts that always seem to get whipped up by the wind into a twisty kind of little tornado that ends up going above her waist and sometimes even above her own head.

I mean, the place with the hair.

I mean, the place with the long hair.

The place with the longer hair.

The public hair.  The pub...hair, oh, let’s start again.

Last week, while visiting India on official Crown business with Prince William, Kate Middleton accompanied her husband to the most solemn event of the tour– laying a bright orange marigold wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in New Delhi.  And Kate is such a VIP that she didn’t even have to carry the wreath herself.  Instead, two Indian soldiers with great big scarlet-red fans and black sideways-umbrella thingies on their heads (yes, I know, but this is what they really were wearing) carried the marigold wreath and honestly, all Kate Middleton had to do was walk– as in, taking a few steps– to the Tomb and stand there.

All she had to do was walk a few steps without incident.

But she couldn’t pull it off.  

Instead, she flashed us– blindingly!

I personally have seen this wreath-laying ceremony performed many times in many different countries by all kinds of people at all kinds of tombs for all kinds of unknown soldiers, and I have never been flashed by any of the wreath-layers.  I have never had to cringe in person as anyone bent down to lay the wreath wherever it is that the wreath of poppies or roses or marigolds or whatever is being put down on the tomb.  I have never been blinded by wardrobe malfunctions or flashing boobs or bottoms or fleshy reproductive organs winking and wanking at me while a personage is laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier– not anywhere.

It just doesn’t happen.

But in India, it happened with Kate Middleton– and again and again.  Her silky white dress would just not stay down!  It flipped and it flapped and it flew all about, flashing us yet again another unrequested and dreadful peek at her naked behind and frontal regions, too.

People who lay wreaths at Tombs of the Unknown Soldier generally wear clothes that cover their bodies and STAY ON.  Or at least, stay DOWN.  Or they wear a nice pantsuit.  I’ve never seen Queen Elizabeth wear pants unless she is riding her steed or watching someone else ride her steed, or way back when during the War when she was some kind of lady automobile mechanic for about a minute.  But somehow, Queen Elizabeth, heading into 90 years old, has managed to be constantly photographed for all this time in all different kinds of clothing, situations and weather, and her flashes have been few and far between.

So, if you can’t resist the urge to flash your flesh, why not just wear a nice pantsuit?

I am sure that the Royal Protocol Office will make an exception, since it’s obvious that Kate cannot help herself.

And this raises a conundrum:  Kate Middleton is supposedly being groomed to one day be Prince William’s queen consort when William becomes king.  While waiting, the custom has always been for the heir apparent and his bride to go on a few foreign tours.  The idea is that this is some kind of training for more weighty missions to come.  And rubbing elbows with persons in the colonies and former colonies pleases the British Foreign Office, so jolly good that.

But showing one’s patooty and more in public on the most serious and subdued day of the tour?  Not so jolly good.

To prove the point, William and Kate were accompanied to the Tomb by The United Kingdom’s Brigadier Mark Goldsach, FCO Defence (that’s how the British spell “defense”) Attaché, and Lt. Col. Simon Labilliere of the British Army Air Corps, military advisor to the British High Commission.

Those are biggies!  And it is probably some violation of national security to blind them with a booty flash.

And then, there is the issue of decorum.

In India, Kate was supposedly partaking in a ritual of great solemnity– commemorating those fallen in battle.  

But instead, she looked like a nymph caught running naked through the bedsheets hanging outdoors on the clothesline.  And her white dress had these strange white large triangle tabs that just rested on the tops of her breasts– as if the seamstress hadn’t finished putting the pockets on yet.  The triangles were pointing downwards, presumably to let viewers know where the boobies are– just in case their existence is in doubt.

To date, no Royal Tour with Kate on it has failed to produce an incident of her flashing her flesh, or fiddling with her lady parts in public.

And when Kate and William arrived in the Himalayan stronghold of Bhutan, things did not improve.  Kate wore a long purple skirt, but unlike the Queen of Bhutan, whose own long skirt completely covered her legs and was sewn down tight and did not ride up or blow about, Kate had a huge frontal slit cut into her long skirt so that it opened all the way up her things to her you-know-where place.

What brilliant mind decided to do that?

Even Kate’s efforts to clutch away at her thigh-cleavage, all the while flashing not just flesh but a mawkish, slightly maniacal grin, only made things worse.

For Bhutan’s state banquet, Kate wore a Tory Burch dress that had two long side-slits, showing a great deal of leg (besides looking like a futuristic wearable calico quilt).
Who dresses Kate Middleton, anyway?

Someone who thinks that sex is what makes the world go ‘round.  

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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