Monday, 02 May 2016 13:36

William and Kate Middleton and Jecca Craig in three's a little crowded

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Some people have teeth.

Other people have chompers.

Some people have eybrows.

Other people are raising pet caterpillars atop their eyes.

Kate Middleton, wife of Prince William, heir of the heir to the British Throne, has chompers.

And she’s got a big fat pair of caterpillars thriving just below her forehead.

Two blinding white rows of chompers that seem to move forward in her mouth when she smiles– like a shark getting ready to take an exploratory bite.  Like a set of jokey clattering plastic dentures that you wind up and let loose.

I notice this because Kate is often photographed displaying her chompers in a double-toothy-row grimace that is supposed to make us think that she’s smiling.  Other pics show her baring both rows of shark jaws with an enormous pie-hole showing between them.

Like she’s taking a big bite of something.

Or maybe, like her dieting sister, Pippa, Kate is just eating more than her fair share of air.

And Kate’s caterpillar farm seems alive and well– at least, according to the photos of Kate coming out in British Vogue Magazine this month.

I don’t buy the fashion magazine, Vogue because I read it for free at Barnes & Noble when I go to get my $6.00 cappuccino and read the big, glossy expensive magazines for free.  I try not to grab the mags first because when I order my $6.00 cappuccino, the guy at the B&N Starbucks counter always asks, “And the magazines?” Meaning, the stack of magazines including Vogue that I always have as I am eyeing out my table. And when I say, “No, I am just reading them here,” he becomes a bit testy.  I myself worry about how Barnes & Noble can make any money when all I am doing these days is buying a cappuccino and reading books for hours, as though I am in my local library except that I can drink coffee there, which is not allowed in the local library.

But you know, the local library is always complaining that it has no money, and I bet that would change if they started selling cappuccino for $6.00 a pop.

If I am reading a lot that day, I often buy a $3.00 triple chocolate chip cookie out of guilt.

Because I certainly don’t want Barnes & Noble to go broke because of me and my free magazine reading! 

But I don’t usually read the British Vogue.  I mean, no hard feelings like some people who say, “Well, ‘British Vogue,’ isn’t that an oxymoron?”  Like the old left-wing joke about “Army Intelligence.”  I like British Vogue.  I just don’t get my mitts on it very often.

Imagine that some Barnes & Noble patrons actually skip the $6.00 cappuccino and the $3.00 chocolate-chocolate-chocolate cookie, and buy British Vogue and take it home!

The nerve!

But honestly, I would be hard-pressed to tell British Vogue from American Vogue except for the fact that British Vogue lists prices by using that funny symbol that looks like a scripted “L” instead of a dollar sign, which is a sure way to tell that you are reading British Vogue instead of American Vogue.  And if I am not buying the magazine for, oh, does it cost $10.00 now?  Anyhoo, if I am not buying any magazines, I sure as heck am not buying any of the clothes or jewelry because, hey, I have a kid in private school and things like a mortgage and a car payment. And with college for my kid now on the horizon, I would guess that my magazine-buying days are over.

But cappuccino is still a necessity.

Anyhoo, the big news is that British Vogue this month has Kate Middleton on the cover.

Or rather, Vogue has Kate’s chompers and her two pet caterpillars are on prominent display.

It’s a lot of teeth and very hairy brows.

It reminds us that, ultimately, we really are just primates.

Between Kate’s bushy eyebrows and bright white chompers, not to mention that enormous, shadowy hat on Kate’s head, I thought at first that the Vogue cover was just another relentless advertisement for that cross-dressing gendermandering movie, “The Danish Girl.”

But the internet says that a London Daily Mail writer is stirring the British masses to riot by saying that Kate’s Vogue Magazine photos make her look like she’s a model in a lower-end mail-order catalogue called “Boden.”  .  And although at first I had no idea what “Boden” was, I checked it out and, sure as shootin’, Liz Jones knows whereof she writes.  “Boden” not only carries all of Kate’s clothing styles, but has brown-haired models with great big teeth and great big eyebrows.  If Kate wasn’t wearing Princess Diana’s cajillion-dollar sapphire and diamond engagement ring in the Vogue pics, we’d be hard-pressed to know that it is Kate Middleton in the photos at all.  She could just as well be the waitress at International House of Pancakes carrying five orders of Rooty Tooty Fresh N’Fruity pancakes along with four cheese omelets, or the snooty accessories saleswoman at Banana Republic, or anywoman, anywhere.  What is strange, though, is that these catalogue-like “Buy This Striped Bateau Top for Under $70.00!” photos are now being displayed in London’s National Portrait Gallery because they are supposed to be great art.  Or significant arty commentary of a kind.  Or something.

I can’t be the only person who does a double-take and wonders, “Hey, why is a photo of the waitress I had this morning at the International House of Pancakes hanging in the British National Portrait Gallery?”

But I see something else in those British Vogue pics.

I see...the face of Jecca Craig!

And I see...Jecca Craig’s hat!  On Kate Middleton’s head, shading those two pet caterpillars!

As in, “Out of Africa” Jecca, who is said to be the true-love girl who got away from Prince William.  Kate noticeably aped Jecca Craig’s style (or whatever one might call wearing bush hats) for years, long before she slipped a dead woman’s ring on her hand.  Books about Kate and William’s “romance” tell us that Kate considered the British beauty her only true competition in the “Marry Willy and become Royal” sweepstakes. This was not a contest that Kate Middleton was expected to win, but for Jecca’s alleged reluctance to enter a marriage that would require her to leave her beloved Kenya and family game park estate there.  And by that time, Carole Middleton reportedly was dancing around the cauldron in the basement at Bucklebury, casting spells and enchantments and sending various love potions and stinky salves to Kate at St. Andrew’s University so that she could put the cabash on Willy and get him to marry her.

And Willy eventually did.

He says himself that he proposed to Kate right in Jecca’s back yard, in a cabin on her family’s Kenya estate, where Willy gave Kate his dead mother’s iconic sapphire and diamond engagement ring– symbol of the most unhappy marriage and notorious divorce in recent memory.

But maybe, just maybe, it was all a Shakespearean experience, like, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” and William honestly believed that he was getting engaged to Jecca. And maybe it has all just kept rolling along– William married Jecca/Kate.  And to keep it all going, to work that spell, every once in a while, Kate has to put on a Jecca hat and Jecca jeans and Jecca boots and wander the countryside saying Jecca-sounding things and worrying about the fate of the rhinos,  and William once again slips into the mists of memory and mistakenly believes that he has married his true love, Jecca Craig, and all is well.   

But why try to convince a nation of this by publishing catalogue photos of Kate Middleton looking just like Jecca Craig?

Take a good look at Jecca Craig.  Scroll down to check out her hat!

Londoners stare at Kate’s new “Jecca” pics in Vogue and the National Portrait Gallery with the same bemusement that they evinced when Kate’s first official portrait went on display a few years ago.  Remember that?  The artist was criticized because Kate looked like a zombie, or perhaps a princess of darkness-vampiress. But how is that the artist’s fault when we know that it has been Carole, all the while, casting those spells, stirring the Bucklebury cauldron, and doing the voodoo shimmy?

Kate Middleton’s British Vogue photos are just proof of the Jecca Craig drama that simmers beneath Kate and Prince William’s marriage.

Remember what Prince William’s late mother said– her “marriage to Prince Charles had three people in it, so it was a bit crowded.”

Kate and William’s marriage has Jecca Craig in it.  And Kate’s very own face and body know it.  She can’t help but keep expressing her urge to become the woman who got away from William.   

And that’s not just a “crowded” marriage.

Call it “crazy!”

Thirty years from now, Britain may well be crowning a “Queen Jecca” for real.

Because history does repeat itself, especially in families.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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