Monday, 16 May 2016 09:31

William, of Kate Middleton fame, over the hump at Oxford

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For years, British folks have called Prince William and Kate Middleton “the Lazy Duo.”

Earlier this week, Prince William went all the way to Oxford University to confirm this.


His Royal Highness Prince William, third in line to the British throne, is officially “His Royal Laziness.”

And he makes no bones about it.

Prince William is “lazy.”  Lazy, lazy, lazy.

You remember Prince William and his wife, Kate Middleton– he of the long face and long, long nose, and she of the black eyeliner and long, long hair.  William went to Eton, where Carole couldn’t send her daughters because it is an all-boys’ school.  But as soon as William was free, Carole stalked him with her eldest daughter, sending Kate out to mimic William on his gap year with a visit to poverty-stricken outposts in Chile, and then on to fun and games at University of St. Andrews in Scotland.

You’ve read about St. Andrews– the after-Eton oasis where, by many accounts including now his own, Prince William spent his time not in deep study but in humping the mattress.

Which he shared liberally with several wanna-be queens, but often with Kate Middleton, who let it be known that she quite enjoyed humping the mattress by parading around in a see-thru maxi skirt that she pulled up over her breasts, showing all her sexy black bra and bikini panties.  Previously, she’d stripped herself naked except for a teensy bra and panties (we hope, anyway, that panties were there), covered her panties (we hope) with a baby diaper, and then sprayed shaving cream all over her breasts for, uhm, some grand traditional British upper-classes’ education activity.

Call it advertising for humping the mattress.

But even St. Andrews draws a line or two.

They likely don’t let you into the library if you are naked except for breasts covered in shaving cream and your nether regions covered by a baby diaper.

You’ll get the books all smeary.

And you may do other things that are not meant to be done in the library, like humping the mattress.  Libraries are places where people work had at their studies, burning the midnight oil while perusing weighty tomes.

Libraries are not for mattress humpers.

So Willy and Kate, who became his official college roommate, retreated to their super-duper student housing, where Willy spent his time not studying in the library burning the midnight oil, but humping the mattress.  Or, humping his mistress.  Or girlfriend.  Or whatever you call the Stalker Junior of Stalker Senior who traipsed around the globe and then up to the wild north to capture the scion of a future king.


All we know for sure is what William himself tells us– that he was “lazy.”


A few days ago, Prince William personally confirmed his title as “His Royal Laziness” when he visited Oxford University not to do a royal mattress-humping inspection in the student dorms and make sure that female Oxfordians have ready access to sexy baby diapers and shaving foam and see-thru maxi skirts that they can pull up to their breasts, but to open a renovated library there.

A library!  At Oxford!

Imagine a university having that– the place where the books are kept, and no baby diapers, shaving cream or mattress humping are allowed.

It’s a place William claims to know little about.

But he’s surely just joshing, right?

“Do you actually use the library?” William joshed with a group of Oxford students who’d raised almost a million dollars towards the new library’s construction by working an alumni telethon.  “This isn’t just for show then?” he asked, referring to the Longwell’s books and desks, and the students sitting in them.

“I can’t say that I was a regular attender of libraries,” William laughed joshily.

Oh, hahahahahahaha!  

That’s because you can’t hump the mattress in the library!  Not comfortably, anyway.  Librarians will come forth to “shush” you!  They take away your cans of shaving cream and toss your baby diapers in the trash.

At St. Andrews, William clearly lacked the will for serious study of subjects like science.  When one student told William that he was studying chemistry, His Royal Laziness replied: “Chemistry? I’m allergic to chemistry!”

I mean, we just assumed.

But now, it’s official.

Being “allergic” is just another way of saying, “I, Prince William, am lazy.”

William is lazy, and spent his valuable college years not burning the midnight oil studying but humping the mattress.

And now, he’s a bit stupid and he knows it.  And at Oxford, walking around the library full of very bright students, he surely felt his dullness most keenly.

Oh, what might have been!  If only William had not fallen into the clutches of Carole Middleton and her chattering brood!

When he’s shut himself up in Anmer Hall with mother-in-law Carole, William’s dullness matters not– he is probably a shining light of sheer intellect radiating out between James Middleton’s ridiculous marshmallow empire, Uncle Gary Goldsmith’s cocain-chopping and prostitute-procuring, Pippa’s sporty-this and sporty-that, and Kate’s staring vapidly out into space, while Middleton patriarch Michael mows everyone’s grass and Mary Poppins-like nannies chase the kids and clean up after Lupo.

But, out in the real world, intellectual dullness from too much mattress humping tends to stand out in a place like Oxford, which is chock-a-block full of the smartest people.  And these very smart people naturally migrate to the libraries because they know this one unshakeable truth– one can always hump the mattress, the rest of one’s life.  But not everyone gets to go to Oxford, or to any college for that matter.

Why squander that precious time?

William’s visit to Oxford’s Magdalen College library was just a tad deja vu in that William’s late mother, Princess Diana, who never officially graduated from high school and never attended college because cooking and child care courses aren’t taught there, often self-deprecatingly said she was “thick as a plank” and “brain the size of a pea, that’s what I’ve got.”

Of course, Diana’s brother, Charles Spencer, once publicly disparaged his first wife, Victoria Lockwood, by saying that he would “stick with her through thick and thin”– a snarky allusion to what he called Victoria’s “thick” unintelligence, and “thin” referring oafishly to her eating disorders and heroin use, which left her with the body of a bony skeleton and turned her smile into an awful grimace.  

So, maybe what William’s displaying are the Spencers’ genetic predisposition for flaunting dullness as some kind of distinguishing virtue– to the point where William claimed to his Oxford hosts that, no matter how he tried, he was physically unable to correctly pronounce the college’s name, “Magdalen,” which (admittedly oddly) is pronounced as “Maudlin.”  But hey, how difficult is that to remember, really?  Especially when you’ve only got just one ribbon to cut there before pushing on to other places easier to pronounce.

If one can fly a helicopter officially, with a license and the whole nine yards, and go to India and sit on the infamous Taj Majal bench with your fellow mattress-humper without falling off, then remembering to say “Maudlin” when visiting “Magdalen” should not be a challenge.

Unless all you can think about is humping the mattress!

Of course, not even Oxford may be all that it’s cracked up to be.  We know this because Princess Diana’s brother, Charles Spencer, now known as Earl of Althorp, actually went there and even graduated.  And so did Charles Spencer and his former best friend, the quirkily-named Darius Guppy, who was convicted of insurance fraud for faking (of all things) a jewel heist with another fellow Oxford grad, and spent a few years in the hoosegow.  Guppy was a member of the Bullingdon Club, a notorious Oxford drinking club joined by students who became powerful politicians and pundits.  One, Prime Minister David Cameron, was “outed” as a Bullingdon member in a biography, was supposed to have put his junk into the mouth of a pig who’s head was severed from its body.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.  That was NOT the Bullingdon Club.  Raping the pig’s head was done as part of, wait, wait, wait– I mean, allegedly done– as part of Cameron’s initiation into the Piers Gaveston Society, also at Oxford, that commemorates the executed lover of Edward II.  You may remember Piers (somewhat incorrectly) as Edward II’s boyfriend whom Edward Longshanks murdered by unceremoniously throwing the fop out a window in the movie, “Braveheart.”  Instead of raping pigs’ heads and re-enacting the friendship of Edward II and the unlucky Piers, the Bullingdon Club is a violent, brutal hodge-podge of drunken aristocrats and wannabes who trash local restaurants and allegedly taunt beggars by burning the British equivalent of $100.00 bills and the like under their noses.  Prime Minister Cameron, former Defense Minister Alan Clark, and former London Mayor Boris Johnson all claim membership in Bullingdon, as well as BBC broadcaster David Dimbleby, brother of Jonathan, the journalist who single-handedly almost destroyed any chance Prince Charles had of succeeding his mother as monarch.

Oh, the closeted-Communist Cambridge spies only wish that they had thought of writing a Dimbleby-style monarchical biography to destroy the Western Establishment!  Who knew? 

At Oxford, the clubs are so bizarre that no wonder all the smart students head for the library! 

Of course, Oxford University produces some of the greatest minds in the world.  Cambridge University has its Watson and Crick, discoverers of DNA, but Oxford has given us the inimitable scientists Stephen Hawking and Edwin Hubble (he of the intergalactic telescope, not to be confused with L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, who did NOT go to Oxford).  Beloved writers like C.S. Lewis of the Narnia Books.  And then, there’s Bill Clinton, who went for, oh, a year, year and a half– followed by Hillary’s daughter, Chelsea, who went for graduate school.

But I digress.

You can’t be lazy and go to Oxford– not for long.  Unless you’re a moneyed aristo or an inventive psychopath like Guppy’s been called dedicated to a life of insurance fraud, you will have to work and you will have to study.  You will have to burn the midnight oil.  The Oxford students Prince William met seem like hard workers, earnest fund-raisers, and a fairly polite crowd– even though he tested and even taunted them.  One biology student had made a sign for William that said “Welcome,” and instead of saying “Thank you” or something gracious, William said that the sign showed that the student “had not been studying hard.”  The biology student told journalists that William “mentioned that I had spent more time” making the sign than doing “work. He joked: ‘Typical student.’”

But is William really joking?  Or is something more...mental...underway?

To another, who’d made an effort to provide a photo opportunity for journalists by putting a library book on his desk that he hadn’t read, William “joked” that the student was faking.  “Enjoy your pretend studying!” sniped the heir to the heir apparent to the British throne.

That sounds like an oddity the Duke of Edinburgh might toss out.  But unlike William, the Duke of Edinburgh was always forgiven because he had to walk ten paces behind his wife, the Queen, and take no part in ruling.

This is not to be William’s brief, is it?

To yet another student studying public policy after working at the BBC, William, ever the press paranoid, smiled weirdly and said, “I won’t hold that against you.”

Now, this remarks in the DNA test of William’s parentage– combining the worst of both when it comes to the press. 

Then, by way of an apologia for himself that surely made the Scottish dons at St. Andrews cringe, William claimed that if St. Andrews’ library had similarly undergone a $15 million dollar refurbishment, the Prince “might have gone a little bit more.”

But instead, Prince William spent his college years humping the mattress.


Burning the midnight oil makes the difference between making jokes and being one.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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