Thursday, 28 July 2016 15:09

Trump's Russia hacks, Hillary's server scrub: Can't take a joke?

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clinton cleanHillary Clinton deleted 33,000 emails from her private internet server.  Remember?  It was the subject of that FBI investigation for Clinton appointee Loretta Lynch’s Department of Justice inquiry.  Hillary’s emails just went “poof!”  As in “Gone!”  The FBI says some were  super-duper tip-top secret-secret stuff.  But others, Hillary claims, are just about her yoga classes and daughter Chelsea’s wedding.

Yesterday, Donald Trump did a little magic trick of his own and made Hillary’s 33,000 missing emails or at least, the memory of them, magically re-appear.

He did it by joking in his inimitable “off-the-cuff” New Yorky manner, and said: “By the way, if [Russia] hacked, they probably have her 33,000 emails. I hope they do.”  He added: “They probably have her 33,000 emails that she lost and deleted.”

Trump then did this thing actors sometimes do called “breaking the fourth wall.” He looked directly into the news cameras and said, “Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.”

Why joke about it?

I’ll tell you why.

It all started with Hillary claiming that she “wiped” her computer’s hard drive clean, “like, with a cloth,” when reporters asked her where her 33,000 emails had gone.

Oh, hahahahahahahahaha!


As reporters buzzed in a mix of awe, outrage and disbelief, Hillary shrugged her infamous shrug (last seen in the Senate’s Benghazi inquiry).    And then, through all the chattering brouhaha, I heard a disembodied voice shout out these words: “Effem if they can’t take a joke!”

Really!  Someone really said that!

It’s like the Oracle at Delphi in ancient Greece, where people would come from all over the world to ask the most significant, crucial and unanswerable questions, and a disembodied voice would loudly reply: “Effem if they can’t take a joke!”

Just ask FBI Director James Comey, who says he thinks Hillary’s too stupid for her remark about wiping servers clean “with a cloth” to be anything but truthful.  That’s why he won’t prosecute her.

Trump’s joke about Hillary’s 33,000 missing emails put the Dems into such a tizzy that they only talked about “Trump, Trump, Trump” the entire third day of their convention, just blabbering “Donald Trump THIS!”  and “Donald Trump THAT!” and “Can you BELIEVE what Donald Trump said?”  and barely mentioning Hillary at all, until long after darkness fell and Joe Biden read everyone a little nursery story about how we should all vote for Hillary.  Lou Panetta warmed up the crowd by claiming he’d been “head of the CIA” even though he barely worked there a year and a half– shorter than many CIA college kid internships last.

Then, Barak Obama appeared and told us all about what a great president he’s been and what a great president his wife, Michelle, will be, as soon as this fat bottle-blonde broad gets the effing out of their way...huh...huh...huh...and then I woke up!

For just a moment, I thought Obama was talking about ME!

And then, this morning, a strong, manly voice emanated from the most masculine man in America today– Senor El Trumpo (that’s what Hillary’s VP pick Tim Kaine calls Donald, aka “El Magnifico”).  Trump said he’d spoken sarcastically, and then, that disembodied voice boomed out again: “Effem if they can’t take a joke!”

At least, that’s what I thought I’d heard.

But I hadn’t had coffee yet, so it’s kinda an audiological blur.

Anyway, of all the super-duper tip-top secret-secret emails leaked so gleefully by Julian Assange, the most intriguing is from Huma Abedin, Hillary’s closest assistant and sorta-like adopted daughter, who wrote that Hillary’s “often confused,” takes lots of naps, and then must be re-oriented about where she is and what she’s doing.

Like when you have a dream that Obama’s calling YOU a fat bottle-blonde broad when he’s really talking about Hillary!

Maybe this is why Hillary and her henchmen keep traveling back in time, away from Hillary’s Benghazi handiwork and her votes for the Iraq War and the infamous Patriot Act, and turn instead to Hillary’s “work” and “dedication” as a Children’s Defense Fund attorney.  But just like Leon Panetta’s puffing himself as a super-experienced spymaster, Hillary’s “work” for the Fund was only from July 1974 to January 1975– a whopping six-month stint.

And Hillary’s Children’s Defense Fund work happened a whopping 42 years ago!

Right after she’d graduated from law school!

Hillary wants us to vote for her because of that!                    

That’s why we keep hearing that disembodied voice shouting, through time and space: “Effem if they can’t take a joke!”

But ssssshshshshshsh!  Pipe down!

Hillary’s probably napping right now.

She’s tired.  She needs lots of rest, lots of briefing, lots of re-briefing and lots of “orienting.”

And that’s no joke. 

Last modified on Thursday, 28 July 2016 16:10
Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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