Monday, 08 September 2014 11:40
Will Pregnant Kate Middleton wine over Birth Troopers

kate-hospitalWhat’s the first thing a woman does when she discovers she’s pregnant?

Why, pop down to the village pub for a little drinkie-poo, of course!


Are you sure?

Just a little drinkie-poo. Just one. Not like those sipping whiskeys and single malts. Just a white wine spritzer. Which is usually a full glass of wine, with soda added.

Are you sure that a pregnant woman wouldn’t do that?

Because last week, when Prince William and Kate Middleton were sighted at a hotel restaurant near their Norfolk renovated mansion, Anmer Hall, they were heading for the bar:

“Always a gentleman, the Duke ushered her wife to the bar three miles away from Anmer Hall as he ordered lime and soda and Kate sipped on white wine spritzer while waiting for their meal. Since he is driving, William ordered non-alcoholic drinks while four bodyguards are sitting at the adjacent table.”

So, did Kate Middleton have a little drinkie-poo just a week or so before announcing her latest pregnancy?

It sure sounds like it.

Why would a college-educated woman who can surely read the sign in the bar’s ladies’ room about how any alcohol at all can harm a fetus drink a white wine spritzer if she’s trying to get pregnant? Or thinks she might be pregnant? Or is even just trying to get pregnant?

Kate’s little drinkie-poo at the Norfolk hotel bar was reported by the International Business Times, a pretty serious daily journal which, despite being a business newspaper, has been carefully following the past six months of alleged Middleton pregnancies, pregnancies with twins, and tragic miscarriages, and the like. In fact, the International Business Times, or IBT, as it is known, earlier reported that Kate couldn’t possibly be pregnant because she’d been drinking a noticeable amount of alcohol at her various public engagements.

And alcohol consumption is something that women who want to become pregnant but have difficulty are told to STOP doing, even as much as a year before attempting to conceive, in order to reduce the risk of birth defects.

What’s the second thing a woman does when she discovers she’s pregnant?

Why, pack up her largest, bulkiest gigundo “weekend” shoulder bag, heft it up on her shoulder along with a smaller but also heavy purse, and then make a mad dash through the train station, hauling it and another handbag, while her royal hubby walks the dog.

Don’t the Royals employ a whole retinue of people whose duties are to handle their dogs and bulky baggage, escort them to “waiting people carriers,” and politely remind them that having white wine drinkie-poos can cause a fetus to suffer all kinds of maladies and catastrophes?

Maybe the precautions about not drinking during conception and pregnancy are a bigger deal in the United States than elsewhere in the world. I did have a Dutch friend who insisted to me that her Dutch obstetrician allowed her to drink one fruity Belgian beer a day during her pregnancy, and it all turned out.... fine.

So far.

The kid’s not in school yet, so we don’t really know whether a fruity Belgian beer a day during pregnancy can create a genius or whether it has some other effect, and I quite like Holland so I am not going to make any Dutch jokes.

But being American and so prudish and not European and all, I was kind of shocked when she mentioned drinking a fruity Belgian beer a day during her pregnancy.

Not that an expectant mother might not want to!

In the case of Prince William and Kate Middleton, the effect of Kate having a drinkie-poo and running the 30-yard dash carrying a stuffed saddle bag will not result in a scolding about fetal alcohol syndrome so much as getting those gosh-darned crazy @!$!%! surrogate mother Birth Truthers all fired up again about how, once more, William and Kate are pulling the wool over their subjects’ eyes, and using a surrogate in the attic to produce royal offspring.

Curse those crazy Birth Truthers!

The Birth Truthers, who are always looking for conspiracy theories, have one made-to-order by the Royals themselves, who now report that the less-than-12-weeks-pregnant Kate is again suffering from the dreadful, deadly constant-vomiting disease, hyperemesis gravidarum. But this time, instead of a mad dash to the hospital, which gave rise to some Australian radio DJ s playing telephone pranks, which led to a nurse being found dead from hanging, the doctors will come to treat Kate’s vomiting disease in “the Palace.”

And exactly which “Palace” might that be?

Kensington? Buckingham? St. James’s? The info’s still a bit vague. But what the Birth Truthers notice is that, unless Princess Diana’s biographer Andrew Morton wheedles his way in again, what happens inside all these palaces usually stays inside all these palaces.

And that includes the manor estates, too.

Once the heat is off and the surrogate’s pregnancy is fully established, the Birth Truthers theorize, Kate may then move in to Anmer Hall, where the pregnant surrogate will have a larger attic in which to rattle her chains about. Helpful mother Carole Middleton can then bring in the fake prosthesis by putting it upon a lovely plastic tray sold by Party Pieces, decorating it with crabapples and kale, covering it with a clean linen towel and telling the servants that it is a turkey carcass to be served to Kate in bed by her own mother— an ancient Goldsmith remedy for treating the constant-vomiting disease.

Or perhaps, as was done with Prince George, Kate will spend most of her pregnancy with her parents at their isolated mansion in Bucklebury.

As with Kate’s previous pregnancy, it’s difficult to determine which Royals were “in the know” about Kate being in the family’s way. I mean, I mean...”the family way.” According to the Star newspaper, “Former England rugby star Mike Tindall, husband of William’s cousin Zara Phillips, said he found out about the new baby when it broke on the news.
He told talkSport: ‘I just sent them a message saying it was nice to hear the news on the radio.’”

The radio.

Isn’t the radio where things went haywire in Kate’s first pregnancy, and the nurse, Jacintha Saldanha, was then found dead? The British inquest into Saldanha’s death is only just now getting under way. The Australian radio station and the DJ pranksters are cooperating.

And Scotland Yard has helpfully supplied Australian authorities with a box of evidence so that Australia can decide whether any basis to prosecute anyone connected with the pranking DJs exists. it even safe to joke about Kate’s alleged prenatal ingestion? Carole’s crabapple and kale turkey carcass fricassee?

Not on the radio. Unless it’s Kate and William who are doing the pranking.

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