Friday, 08 March 2013 18:07

Kate Middleton, Duh-tchess of Dolittle's teddy bear for baby

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teddyDuh, duh, duh!

Didn’t your mom tell you not to talk like that?

Earlier this week, Kate Middleton almost caused the U.K. stock market to collapse because she went, "Duh, duh, duh."

Well, they say it was just one "duh."

But still, Just shows you the awful power of that sound. It only takes one!

As in, "I will take that teddy bear for my duh...."

Kate’s "duh" is now being touted about as proof that she and Prince William, the heir apparent to the heir apparent to the British throne, are having a girl child. As in, "I will take that teddy bear for my daughter."


At least, that is what Middleton admirer Diana Burton claims Kate said to her as she offered her the stuffed toy bear. Kate had just descended, goddess-like, from flying across the great sky in her whirring helicopter to the tiny village of Grimsby, where the masses came out to behold her. When questioned further by Diana, the bearer of the now Royal toy bear, Middleton claimed that she did not know the sex of her gestating fetus yet. When the village bear-holder scoffed at this, Kate was said to reply, "duhhhhhhh!"

So that’s what you pay all those thousands of pounds in St. Andrew’s tuition for!

Diana (no relation to Kate’s late mother-in-law) is certain that Middleton was about to say, "daughter."

Another Grimsby villager named Sandra Cook, standing nearby to bask in the aura of nouveau royaute, caught the slip and asked Kate, "Did you say ‘my daughter?’"

"No, no, no," Kate said, adding, "We don’t know."

Duh, duh, duh!

Sandra, being a loyal British subject, immediately blabbed to the Mail Online, saying, "The lady next to me gave [Kate] a teddy bear and I distinctly heard her say, ‘Thank you, I will take that for my d--’ …. then she stopped herself."


But it gets even better! Grimsby may be a village suffering hard times, but its inhabitants seem a feisty, spirited bunch. No deference was paid to the future mother of the heir apparent of the heir apparent of the heir apparent, even though she'd descended from the skies to their midst in an exotic whirring flying machine. No sirree! The Grimsbyites were not just going to let Kate say "Duh," and move along.
"I leant over," said Cook, "and said to her, ‘You were going to say daughter, weren’t you?’"

Oh man! Sandra must have been thisclose to Kate! Call out the guards!

Sandra then revealed that Kate, now well-cornered between inquisitive Grimsbyites and the stuffed bear, said, "No, we don’t know."

Now, even twenty years ago, plebeian Grimsbyites might have let it go at that. Noblesse oblige and a class society and hierarchy and no constitution and us and them and knowing your place and all that. But now, there is reality television. Even commoners in poor fishing towns know that they can vote on whether famous celebrities can dance well, on how much weight famous people should lose, on who their "favorite royal" is. The British people have experienced three public inquests into the death of Princess Diana where only the Royal Coroner stepped in to prevent the Queen and her husband, Prince Philip, from being star witnesses. They have seen Kate Middleton topless and bottomless and wearing bikinis that barely conceal her lady parts. They have seen Kate Middleton sliding in and out of limos while wearing no underwear and displaying all her lady parts. There are paparazzi and the internet and nothing that people in the United Kingdom can’t see online nowadays, even when their own national press refuses to print it out of, well, nobless oblige and a class society and hierarchy and no constitution and us and them and knowing your place and all that.

So Sandra, totally exercising her God-given right to be as nosy and confrontational as she wants to be, said to Kate Middleton, "Oh, I think you do!"

Wow! That is...cross-examination! That is...playing "Gotcha!" That not us and them and knowing your place!

And instead of just pretending not to hear Diana or Sandra and saying, "Thank you for this beautiful stuffed bear, it is so charming and nice and I shall treasure it always," (as the Queen would surely have done if anyone not previously vetted by the Secret Service ever got close enough to hand her a stuffed bear), Sandra says that Middleton replied: "We’re not telling!"

Wow! If Sandra had been standing on the public roadway in the South of France in front of his vacation villa, Prince William might have hunted Sandra down and thrown her into prison, or sued her for hundreds of thousands of pounds if she was a paparazzi who was merely photographing a beautiful terrace when, all of a sudden, this naked brunette smoking a ciggie and displaying all her lady parts just came barrelling across and ruined a perfectly good snap. Even if Sandra was just an ink-stained wretch of a reporter who, gosh, took a note–poor her! But apparently, Sandra of Grimsby has been allowed to roam free, chatting to all about how she cornered and cross-examined the future mother of the heir apparent of the heir apparent of the heir apparent.

There’s a lot of power in Kate’s Grimsby "Duh!" Maybe soon, the Lord Mayor of Grimsby will place a little plaque where the infamous Middleton "Duh" happened (i.e., "Upon this hallowed ground of Grimsby, in the year of Our Lord 2013, the mother of the heir apparent of the heir apparent of the heir apparent was heard to have said, ‘Duh’"), and someone will open a tea shop called "The Duhtery" and sell little chachkas with Kate and William’s faces on them, along with whatever their little "duh!" turned out to be.

But honestly, Middleton’s "duh" is full of completely logical possibilities other than "daughter." To prove it, I have listed some of them here:

"I will take that teddy bear for my duh...darling future son."

"My duh...dearest friend who collects stuffed bears."

"My duh...Doggie Lupo, who loves tearing up stuffed animals, especially beautiful handmade ones like this."

"My duh...dress designer. Do you like what I am wearing?"

"My, who has made my teeth blindingly and unnaturally white."

"My duh...dermatologist, who does my botox."

"My duh...dishy male body guard."

"My duh...dopey brother James."

"My duh...dreadful sister Pippa."

"My duh...druggie Uncle Gary."

"My duh...doppelganger."

"My duh...distant cousin Katrina Darling who’s a stripper. Have you seen her nude photos in ‘Loaded’ magazine?’"

"My duh...demonic mother Carole, who has just worn herself out social climbing."

"My duh...demented father Michael, who just paid off my dopey brother’s $50,000.00 business debt."

"My duh...drunken brother-in-law, Harry, who can give this stuffed bear to the blonde aristo he’s currently romancing."

"My duh...dead nurse."

"My duh...Duchess of Doolittle, oh, wait, that’s...."


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Bayoubuzz Staff

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