Tuesday, 24 January 2012 22:47

Gingrich And His Serial Mistresses

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clinton-newt-wivesSouth Carolina Republicans have spoken, and it's Newt they want.

Nice pick, if you think about it. While many of Gingrich's Republican competitors have shown themselves to be serial flip-floppers, Gingrich has been consistent on at least one issue: marry, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress.

Newt has not confessed to cheating on wife number three. Yet. Maybe he's given up cheating. If so, the most likely explanation is not that he has flip-flopped and become honorable, but rather that he fears wife number three would behead him, ala Goldfinger's henchman Oddjob, with that freaky thing on her head that sort of resembles hair.

Some would argue that Republicans have given up the moral high ground and can no longer bash Bill Clinton for his affairs, foreign and domestic. But those people are wrong, of course, because while Clinton cheated on one hundred percent of his wives, Gingrich has cheated on only sixty-seven percent of his. Officially, that is.

Republicans who are considering future runs for the White House should right away begin focusing on the Gingrich formula of marry, cheat, divorce, etc. After all, Newt didn't build up his impressive collection of wives, mistresses and ex-wives overnight. Phil Lander in 2016, anyone?

Gingrich’s conservative roots, if he ever had any, got ripped out long ago. Maybe he really believes that humans are causing catastrophic global warming, or maybe he just wanted to make out with Nancy Pelosi on a park bench, but the point is he cozied up to Pelosi while wife number three, and conservatives, weren’t looking. So he not only supports a massive-government “solution” to the “problem” of “global warming,” he has said he supports globalism, the bank bailouts, and the formation of that tiny government program called the Department of Homeland Security (he called for this seven months before the September 11 attacks!).

The best is his small-government idea of doling out gazillions of dollars to giant corporations to, um, develop lunar colonies to mine minerals from the moon.

Gawd, I wish I could make up material this good.

Then there's the issue of Gingrich's age and health. If Gingrich were to be elected, he would be a few months shy of seventy at the time of his inauguration, making him the second-oldest to reach the White House. Why no questions about his age? We hear plenty of questions about Ron Paul's age (he's about eight years older than Gingrich), but Paul exercises regularly and is physically fit. Gingrigh probably hasn't laced up athletic shoes since he first started chasing after mistresses in the mid-1960's, which, it is rumored, is the last time he could see his feet while showering (to those who just threw up their mouths, I apologize).

President Kennedy, according to legend, once infamously declared to a crowd in West Berlin that he was a jelly donut. Now, I did not know Jack Kennedy, and Jack Kennedy was not a friend of mine, but this much I know: Jack Kennedy was no jelly donut.

Gingrich is.

Gingrich and Paul are perfect examples of Baldy's Law, which states that for each of the Republican candidates for president, w + x = c, where w equals number of current wives, x equals number of ex-wives, and c equals number of chins.

Do we really want a president who looks like a cross between Julia Child and Paula Deen?

Why does this soft, doughy, overweight, 68-year-old jelly donut get a pass from a silent media when it comes to his age and health?

How is it that marry, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress, cheat, divorce, marry the mistress has become the formula for success, especially when packaged with globalist, giant-government schemes? Perhaps the corporate media are partial to Gingrich’s foreign policy, which advocates that the U.S. commit acts of terrorism in Iran and lie about it, followed by full-on war if necessary.

Gingrich recently recommended "maximum covert operations to block and disrupt the Iranian program, including taking out their scientists, including breaking up their systems, all of it covertly, all of it deniable." And if our acts of terrorism don't have the desired effect, "you have to take whatever steps are necessary to break (Iran's) capacity to have a nuclear weapon."

Is it a coincidence that "South Carolina" is an anagram for "Iran Holocaust"?

tom kowitzTom Kowitz is co-host with Michele Gaudin of the Baldy and The Blonde radio show, Wednesdays 5-6 pm, WGSO 990AM, New Orleans, www.baldyandtheblonde.com

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