Thursday, 03 July 2014 13:11

Lauer interview: Kate and Pippa Middleton want trolls to butt-out

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pippaYou remember Pippa Middleton, don’t you?

She’s Kate Middleton’s younger sister—the one who was the older bridesmaid at Kate’s royal wedding to Prince William.

 Pippa was the one in the white dress.

But don’t confuse Pippa with her sister bride, Kate.

Kate is the sister who likes to exhibit her naked butt in public.

Pippa is the sister who likes to show off the SHAPE of her butt.

Or perhaps it is the alleged shape of her butt, as a French fashion expert recently accused Pippa of donning a butt prosthesis on Kate’s big day in order to upstage her marrying-royalty sister.

Pippa is the sister who also likes to publicly talk about what kind of shape her butt’s in.

And Pippa got her big chance just a few days ago when she was interviewed by Matt Lauer about how she and her butt and her butter…whoopsie!  I mean, brother, James Middleton, pedaled on custom-built bicycles costing $4,000.00 across the United States for charity.

I don’t really understand why, if a charity needs money, Pippa and James just don’t donate the $4,000.00 to charity in the first place.

But anyway, pedaling a $4,000.00 bike for charity gave Pippa a good opportunity to tell the international television-watching public about her butt, and about what she does to care for her butt, and about her butt’s condition regarding pedaling a costly bike across America.  Pippa’s beautiful butt biking secret?  Shea butter grease products.  “I think every cyclist including me will be layering it on,” she said of the special butt cream at the time.” .

And if having an aching, greasy butt alone was not enough of a hardship, Pippa informed Matt Lauer that her life since her sister Kate’s royal wedding has been hard:  “I have felt publicly bullied a little bit, like when I read things that clearly aren’t true. It is quite difficult because I’m just paving my way and trying to live a life like any 30-year-old,”Pippa told Lauer during her “first ever” television interview.

Griped Pippa: “I think people feel they can say something about you online or on a web page that they would never say to your face and they think that’s OK.”

I am having a hard time wondering, these days anyway, what people might say anonymously or “online or on a web page that they would never say to your face.”  Pippa’s face.

It doesn’t seem that people would have a hard time talking to Pippa about her butt, since she often talks about it herself!   Pippa tells us that her butt is sore from biking, that she keeps it greased up with shea butter to prevent it from getting chafed, and that she had no idea that her butt looked so spectacular in a very expensive dress.

Perhaps her remarks are designed to be modest, but they are invoke laughter and incredulity.  Like this one about not knowing whether her bridesmaid dress made her look “hot:” “I think the plan was not really for it to be a significant dress,” said Pippa.  “Really just to sort of blend in with the train,” she said, “I suppose it’s flattering... it wasn’t planned.

“I haven’t worn it since.”

Okay…. First off, what the heck is a “significant dress?”

Is she comparing it to the cone-breasts dress sister Kate was married in?

I mean, what people were looking at was not Pippa’s dress so much as Pippa’s butt INSIDE the dress.

And how does one “blend in with the train?”

Does one wear white sheets and lie down and roll towards the altar in tandem with the bride?

And how could such a dress and butt NOT be “planned?”  Isn’t that what royal wedding are—planned?

Are they not videoed and put on television and internet, reaching many millions of people?

And if indeed Pippa did wear a plastic butt enhancer as a bridesmaid, didn’t that require some “planning?”  

Matt Lauer, being a gentleman, apparently didn’t ask Pippa about whether she wore a plastic butt enhancer as a royal bridesmaid, so we don’t know for sure.  Butt…butt….drat, I mean, BUT, maybe this is what Pippa was talking about when she claimed she was “bullied” after Kate and William’s nuptials.

Are people saying that Pippa wore a plastic butt to the royal wedding?

Sure they are!  It’s been in the newspapers for weeks now.

And are people shy about identifying themselves?  Are they hiding on the internet and writing anonymously, as Pippa claims?

Well, yes and no.  Lots of people do post anonymously on the internet.  But lots of people use their names when they talk about Pippa and about all the Middletons, and about the Royal Family, including some pretty famous British people, like Hilary Mantel, who famously described Pippa’s sister Kate as “plastic” and a “mannequin” and a collection of anorexic limbs upon which certain clothes are hung.

Something like that.

Anyway, Pippa and Kate can now address their vocal and fully identifiable critic as DAME Hilary Mantel.

Dame.  As in a lady knight of the British Empire.


Kate and sister Pippa can show up in their insignificant frocks (whatever “insignificant” means when it comes to a dress) and sit quietly as someone from the Royal family, perhaps even Queen Elizabeth II herself, invests their chief vocal and fully identifiable critic into one of the highest orders of the Empire.

And why is Hilary Mantel being so honored?

Because Hilary Mantel writes books that are not only commercially successful, but books that are also literary masterpieces.  British literary masterpieces.

And…uhm….remind me again just exactly what Pippa Middleton has done?

Isn’t Pippa a writer?

Didn’t Pippa write “Celebrate,” a cookbook that was simply ridiculous and full of bad-tasting recipes and laughable advice?

Didn’t a lot of people openly and relentlessly mock Pippa’s  cookbook so much so that the publisher turned tail and ran off and her agent became hard to reach and…and…and….then she had a magazine writing career or a newspaper gig and…and…and…somehow, that just all went kapplooie, and next thing we know, Pippa is in the newspapers and on television and telling us all again and again about her butt this and her butt that and she is riding a bicycle that makes her butt hurt so she needs to grease it up with some shea butter shammy something, and then, gosh, she feels all bullied about by people whom Pippa believes are hiding in the shadows, not revealing their identities, and hey, Pippa is just “eventually” paving her way and trying to live life like any 30 year old?


Most 30 year olds I know have jobs, or have to have jobs.

They've had such jobs since their teens and twenties.  It isn't something they are heading into "eventually" once they turn 30.

And most 30 year olds don’t go on television and tell Matt Lauer how hard they are trying.

Most 30 year olds have jobs.  Real jobs, like where you have to go work every day, or almost every day.  In an office, or a restaurant, or a store, or a bank, or a courtroom, or…somewhere.  Even most 30 years old who work for mommy and daddy have to show up to the mommy and daddy place, and do something. 

Here's how to interpret Pippa-speak:

When Pippa Middleton says she feels “bullied” by people writing about her on the internet, what she’s really feeling is embarrassed about what she’s done, and not done, with her own life.

She's embarrassed that she's smart, college educated and 30-something, but she doesn't have a proper job.

And when Pippa Middleton claims her and her sister’s critics are anonymous internet trolls, what she’s really saying is that some pretty high-level intellectuals find her and her sister living ridiculous and inauthentic lives.

And one of Pippa and Kate Middleton's "bullies" not only used her own name, but received a knighthood.

For it, or in spite of it.

Maybe it's time for Pippa to put on that fake butt underneath an insignificant dress and go see what the real world is up to.

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