Monday, 25 August 2014 16:37

Kate Middleton's family morphing into royalty

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kate-middleton-hatKate Middleton’s family has a man and a plan.

The people who are not born into royalty have decided to morph into royalty.

They have all altered their own bodies to become royal-looking personages.

If you can't really join 'em, imitate 'em!

Do the "Morph."

Just take a gander at the photos of His Royal Highness Prince Michael of Kent defending his sister, Carole Middleton, whose cousin complains that Carole is acting “grander than the Queen.” Cousin Joanne Callen claims that Carole, Joannne’s god mother and cousin, hands out “faux” invitations to her working-class relations to royal events that never materialize, and offers to drive them to visits with Prince William, Kate and baby George in chauffeured cars that mysteriously never arrive.

I mean, it IS Prince Michael of Kent in the Daily Mail photo, is it not?

The moustache, the beard, the balding pate, the shiny rose-wine pink jacket....

Wait, wait, wait!

This is how we know for sure that the mustachioed man is NOT Prince Michael of Kent because Prince Michael would NEVER be caught dead in a shiny rose-wine pink jacket.

Unless his wife, Princess Michael, bought it for him.

Or unless she did a deal to be paid six figures (at least) if she got Prince Michael to publicly wear it.

So, is that man in the Daily Mail article Prince Michael of Kent, or is the Dos Equis man?

Wait, wait, wait....

That creature with the handlebarred hairy face is none other than Carole Middleton’s brother, Gary Goldsmith, who’s come out of wherever he grew all that Edwardian facial hair to defend his sister and say that cousin Joanne is talking through her platinum blonde rinse.

Funny, though, how much Kate Middleton’s beloved, colorful “Uncle Gary” has morphed into the very image of King George V. Or is it the Czar Nicholas of Russia come back to life?

Making things more confusing is the “Mini Me” version of this royalty morphing by Uncle Gary’s marshmellow-manufacturing nephew, the equally Edwardian-face-hairy James Middleton.

If you can’t BE royal, grow some facial hair and morph into a royal-looking personage.

Past or present, doesn’t matter...apparently....

And if you are a lady who avoids facial hair, you can always just go out and buy some fur for your head.

Just like Kate and her mother Carole, and her sister, Pippa, took a liking to those pouffy round Russian fur hats a while back,, so that they would look like the Russian Empress Elizabeth and her ladies-in-waiting getting in and out of the troika sleigh on their way to the Winter Palace. Suddenly, even real modern royals took a cue from the Middleton morphs, and started wearing tsarist animal hide hats.

Who would have guessed that taking control of the Royal style cues would be so easy?

One can almost hear Michael Middleton whispering in his wife Carole’s ear, “Ah, Natasha, come the Revolution, all this will be...ours!”

“‘Revolution?’” Did I say “Revolution?” I meant, “the wedding! The Royal Wedding!”

Anyway, Carole Middleton’s cousin and godchild, Joanne Callen, whose platinum-do, generous bosom, and frosted, pouty mouth prove she is morphing into Marilyn Monroe, because Hollywood royalty is royalty, too, has complained that Carole dumped all her old-life relatives after using them as proletarian props at the Royal Wedding. Joanne says Carole even dumped her own allegedly beloved brother Gary, and the first sign of that is when Gary was invited to William and Kate’s royal wedding, but had to sit way, way, way, way back in the nosebleed seats. Newsy cousin Joanne revealed that Uncle Gary didn’t know where to sit because there was no seat in any smart place with his name on it.

But this snub from his sister does not stop Uncle Gary from raising the family’s defenses.

Uncle Gary grew a pile of Edwardian facial hair and put on his best rose-wine pink jacket to deny that his social-climbing sister Carole had “dumped” him.

But of course, Gary Goldsmith looked so much unlike his old bald, tattooed self that we got all confused and thought it was Prince Michael of Kent giving another interview so that Princess Michael could sell a new princessy biography.

Anyway, it seems like Kate Middleton’s cousins who are reckoned up by dozens and her aunts have yet to meet wee Prince George, or be invited to tea, cakes and sandwiches, or the much lauded famous first birthday party, or, any event.

And cousin Kate Middleton seldom passes up attending high-society weddings, but is said to shun her cousins’ various nuptials, sending them her regrets through the hoity-toity Palace secretaries.

The nerve!

Joanne Callen and Carole’s kith and kin have not yet even seen wee Prince George.

Why IS that?

Maybe, not being royal, Carole’s clan would feel free to seek out family resemblances and speak their minds on the new baby.

Who DOES wee Baby George look like these days? Is his blond hair really dyed? Are his cherry lips enhanced?

Maybe, not being royal, Carole’s relatives might know too much, say too much, hear too much, and then BE too much to deal with.

Maybe Carole thinks it’s better to make placating, empty promises, urge her relatives to look for chauffeured cars that never come, and morph into her own version of what she thinks real royalty to be– a hatted figure taking a ride in a shared, open carriage, a bearded, mustachioed man in a rose-red pink jacket, and a younger and more effeminate imitation of the man Queen Victoria and her grandchildren called “poor, doomed Nicky.”

If you can’t BE royalty, why not morph into them?

Carole’s cloning project is underway!

Now, if she can only corral those pesky, chatty relatives!

Bayoubuzz Staff

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