Thursday, 23 October 2014 00:41

Sick, pregnant Kate Middleton stomachs outing with Singapore's Tans

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kate-middleton-cambridgeDon’t get me wrong.

I love The Daily Mail.

I read it...daily!


But The Mail apparently doesn’t know the difference between Kate Middleton’s stomach, and, well, her female parts.

I mean, I’m just tellin’ it like it is!

Look at the photos of Kate doing her signature crotch-pressing antics when she was on hand yesterday to assist the Queen in greeting the President of Singapore and his wife.

The Daily Mail published several photos of Middleton clearly pressing her lower-region lady parts, but captioned Kate’s crotch pressing like this: “During much of the visit Kate kept her arms folded across her stomach clutching her bag in an instinctively protective gesture.”

Hey, Daily Mail!

A woman’s stomach is WAY up higher than where Kate was “clutching her bag.”

Kate’s certainly not protecting a fetus WAY down THERE!

Even a normal uterus is higher-up.

So what might Kate be “protecting” that’s atop her crotch?

Maybe it’s just a way of soothing herself.

Cosmopolitan Magazine says it’s perfectly acceptable!

Or maybe Kate “soothes” herself in public because it turns her husband on!

Don’t get me wrong.

I love The Daily Mail!

I love that they publish not just one or two cheesy photos of the royal goings-on, but many tens of them, always!  Even Pippa and her wooden Ken-doll escort man rate at least 20 photos if they go to a wedding in some deserted Italian village somewhere!  It’s...fascinating, really!

So yesterday, The Mail treated us to many, many photos of Kate pressing her own crotch, so much so that apparently, Prince William had some sympathetic false-pregnancy pangs and started pressing his own crotch, directly with his own hands (because of course, he had no handbag).

Apart from just the sheer weirdness of this gesture, it makes William look effeminate.

Or like a little boy who needs to go potty.

Erm....isn’t anyone at Buckingham Palace or St. James’s taking a note of this?

Will there be a corrective memorandum coming later?

Anyway, as you may know, yesterday’s crotch-pressing exhibition was performed by Kate and William in honor of Tony Tan, President of Singapore, and his wife, First Lady Mary Chee, who’d hosted William and Kate when they went on their tour of Southeast Asia a while back.  The Tans are staying in a very nice suite at the Royal Garden Hotel, which is just about a block away from Kensington Palace, and is MUCH higher up.  

If Kensington Palace were a lady’s crotch, the Tans’ suite would be the lady’s forehead.

Reporters used to go to the top to try to catch Princess Diana sunbathing in the nude.  

Some of the conversation between Kate and Prince William and the Tans went allegedly along the lines of how the Tans’ suite provided a bird’s eye view of William and Kate’s Kensington Palace apartment.  

William reportedly told the Tans, “You can probably see into our bedroom window which is a bit worrying– I wouldn’t look too closely.”  

Why worry?

It’s not like anything is going on in that bedroom, honestly!

I mean, Willie’s been officially visiting Malta with Kate’s look-alike personal assistant, and then he went off the reservation somewhere (Willie Watchers suspect he went hunting in Africa), so the heir of the heir apparent wasn’t even HOME. And....

Wasn’t Kate supposedly all bundled up on the sofa in Bucklebury, surrounded by Ma and Pa Middleton?

What might the Tans see if they looked?  Baby Boy Prince George?  Royal Doggie Lupo?

But even all these personages were reportedly ensconced with Kate in Bucklebury.

So, actually seeing Prince George would be the first in a while.  Except for reports of Carole strolling George around Bucklebury’s shops, nobody’s seen hide nor hair, bleached or not, of George in many weeks.

Ditto Doggie Lupo.

But now, after reports of William supposedly ducking out on a vacation without his wife, William and Kate have magically materialized.


Why now?

Cynics say it is because happy jaunts to New York City and exotic climes like Mustique are on the winter calendar, and Kate wants to be free to enjoy herself while the surrogate gestates the newest royal fetus in the Buckblebury attic.  If she shows up for something royal and work-like after her more than three-months’ hiatus, maybe the public won’t raise so many eyebrows when she takes off for the beach.

And Willie needs to put in an appearance and be seen doing something “royal”  because he virtually disappeared for weeks until just yesterday, which caused some gossip and consternation.

One thing’s for sure: Although supposedly 14 weeks’ pregnant, and doubled-over from the rampant vomiting pregnancy disease, at the Tans’ reception, Kate was strong and nimble enough to trot fearlessly about in her spikey high heels, something Princess Diana did not do in her own pregnancies, when she conspicuously wore sensible flats.  It’s worth going to the above link and taking a look.  Guess which woman is really pregers!

At the Tans’ reception, Kate sprinted up sets of brick and granite steps, and strode purposefully across all kinds of carpet.

Not at all like someone feeling faint and nauseated, and weakened by weeks of bed rest, let alone someone allegedly carrying a fetus.

And again, Kate’s Alexander McQueen coat dress blew up over her thigh in the wind while she was standing at attention during the Horse Guards parade welcoming the Tans, so we know that she’s up to her old, feisty tricks again!

And, as the Mirror observed, Kate appeared “without the slightest hint of a royal baby bump.”  

In fact, her “stomach” (and we do mean that area!) looks washboard-abs flat, as though Kate’s spent the past month or more doing Pilates rather than being at death’s door from that rampant, constant vomiting pregnancy disease she allegedly suffers from.

Kate’s eyes did look a bit puffy and rimmed, but this may be from some kind of crying jag.

Which would also explain her scowl that flipped back-and-forth between her icy-cold smiles.

Brrrrrrr!  It’s cold in Kensington Palace right now!

Still mad because Prince William went off hunting water buffalos or something?

Or something?

The Mail again reminded us that Kate has been so ill that she just had to drop completely our of sight herself, supposedly crashing with her parents in their Bucklebury manse.  Supposedly Kate recently lost 14 pounds or more, was constantly vomiting, and could not sit up.  So why not go to the hospital again?  That ever-so-helpful unidentified “close Royal source” is said to have explained: “Don’t be fooled by the fact that she hasn't been admitted to hospital this time. She is just as poorly. The difference is that her doctors have been able to diagnose and treat her quicker. She really hasn’t been at all well, though.” 

But what might happen if Kate went to hospital again?  Maybe one more dead nurse would just be too much right now, when the inquest on the last dead nurse at the hospital where Kate first went to have her rampant vomiting pregnancy disease treated the first time is barely complete.

Unlike their wedding, when Kate and her father pulled up to Westminster Abbey in a motorcar, this time, Kate and William got to take a ride in the glassed-in Scottish State Coach with Singapore’s Second Minister for Foreign Affairs and the Environment, Grace Fu. 

Grace who?

Fu who!

Stop cursing now....

Childish, childish, but I canna’ resist it, as my Scottish granny would say. 

Actually, kidding aside, Grace Fu is a kind of genius administrator politician.  She’s definitely a Prince Charles issues kind of person.  So what, we wonder, did she and William and Kate chat about on the way to the dias?  Maybe eradicating dengue fever, or....or....

Anyway, the couple increasingly known as “the Lazy Duo” were merely third in line, following the Queen, who traveled with President Tan in the magnificent Diamond Jubilee State Coach, and then Prince Philip, who accompanied Mrs. Tan in the Australian State Coach (which is geographically probably as close as Buckingham Palace could come to a vehicle sentimental to nearby Singapore).  

And then, William and Kate were again sidelined by their elders on the dias as the real ruler, Queen Elizabeth, and her consort, Prince Philip, officially greeted the Tans.  The Queen looked wonderful, wearing subdued navy and a real hat-hat (unlike that stubby grey shabby thingy atop Kate’s head) with a bright pink, very feminine rose on it. 

Then, there was a royal lunch.  William was invited to partake of it, but Kate did not attend.  Maybe the doctors said to be dancing attendance upon Kate in Kensington Palace wanted her to get back on her alleged intravenous diet as soon as possible.  

Don’t get me wrong.

I love The Mail!

And the next fifty or so photos it provides of Kate Middleton wearing this or that can only shed further light on the state of the union. 

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