Monday, 17 November 2014 18:56

Frump Kate Middleton and her bupkis baby bump

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kate-middleton-in-black Kate Middleton has no bump, and lots of frump.

She and hubby Prince William shook a lot of hands at the Royal Variety Performance show over the weekend in London, where it appears that Kate may have actually moved back into Prince William’s Kensington Palace apartment.

As in, actually sleeping there.

Or not.

It’s really not clear.

But at least, the smiles are a “go.”

Prince William and Kate were all smiley-smiley, like lobotomy patients, as they shook hands with members of the hot boy band, One Direction.  Prince William in particular looked a bit overly smiley.  As in, “See?  I am in full compliance with Buckingham Palace’s directive to be smiley!”  

For Kate, it’s another opportunity to keep opening her mouth yaw-wide, like a professional flycatcher..

And although both William and Kate must have received the memo from Buckingham Palace to paste on some smiles, well, how real is it?

And how weird is it?

Kate apparently can’t go anywhere away from her parents, Carole and Michael Middleton.  Not even to the Royal Variety Performance.  Apart from actually living with mommy and daddy throughout most of her marriage, Kate made the evening out with William a double date with her parents.

And how weird is it?

Weird enough for Kate and her Ma to wear almost exactly the same dress on the same evening!

How weird is that?

It’s very, very, very weird.  

Here’s how weird it is.

It’s like your mother coming to your prom dance, and wearing almost the exact same dress as you.

How weird is that?

Spanish news engine “El Mundo” reported that daughter Kate and Ma Carole did indeed wear almost identical black lace evening dresses, but to make it more relevant to their readership, El Mundo reported that, “curiously,” Queen Letizia of Spain had also recently worn an almost identical black lace evening dress.

The difference being, obviously, that Queen Letizia’s mother did not show up at the same gala, wearing a dress identical to her daughter’s.

The matching mother-daughter dress thing really doesn’t work after age six.

Unless you’re wearing Lilly Pulitzer, and you’re at some fancy schmancy summer-like resort.

For the Royal Variety Performance, Carole and Kate wore very matchy-matchy ensembles.  Both were long.  Black.  Lace.  Blahhhhhh!  

But Kate has a history of using black lace gowns to get her relationship with Prince William back on track.

Still, Kate’s latest foray into peek-a-boo black lace is not a success.  It’s total frump.  And the frumpy dress is made even frumpier by Kate’s antiquated chignon hairstyle, which, added to the black lace shroud equation, easily made her look 50 years old.

It’s like what Queen Victoria did with her hair when she married to Prince Albert.

Kate’s hair “do” is sooooooooo 175 years ago!

Only slightly more modern were Carole’s silvery evening sandals with her toes poking out crookedly, every which-way, looked like something she’d culled from her 1980s shoe collection.  

Her sandals’ silver ankle straps made Carole look as though she were a prisoner in manacles.  Hola! Magazine, that Spanish-language oracle of royalty watchers, said it was “seeing double,” and then printed a photo of Carole almost knocking down a lady on crutches to get to the front of the paparazzi line.

It’s hard to decide which is creepier: Kate’s mother dressing like Kate, Kate’s mother showing up at all on her daughter’s big night out with Prince William, or Kate’s mother’s silver sandals.

We don’t know whether Kate was wearing almost the same evening sandals because, as usual, Kate wore her own dress too trippingly long, making it appear as though she has no feet, and is some kind of ghostly apparition hanging in thin air, sliding across the carpet and moved by some diabolical force.  

And then there was the little matter, the infinitesimal matter, the very, very very small matter of Kate’s bump.

As in, no bump.  At all.

But this is not just me, poring over newspaper photos with a magnifying glass, seeking the bump that is not.


These are the words of a world-famous eyewitness, One Direction singer and male sex symbol Harry Styles, who was one of those Kate shook hands with.  Following this once-in-a-lifetime experience of glad-handing Kate, Styles remarked that Kate’s bump might be bumpkis.   I mean, bupkis.

That is Yiddish for “nothing.”

Or little round pellets of goat poop, literally.

Take your pick.

If Kate tucked just one teensy bit of bupkis inside her spanx, she’d look a lot more pregnant than she does now.

And a bupkis bump is better than no bump at all.

No bump at all....

Said Styles of Kate:  “I said congratulations on the bump. Although she didn't look bumpy.”   

Despite the slinkiness of Kate’s black lace evening shroud, Kate’s dress was matronly.  Really!

It was so clingy that, if a bump or even a bit of bupkis had been there, we would have seen it.

And Kate brought along her crotch bag, uhm, I mean, clutch bag, which she slid up and down between her stomach and her crotch all evening.

Now, we’re pretty sure that Kate’s gotten a Buckingham Palace detail paper, or two or three, about rubbing her crotch in public with her clutch bag.  Someone British there must have said SOMETHING!  Like, “Kate, stop rubbing your lady parts in public!”

Alas.  This seems to be a habit over which Kate has no control.

Or else, as the Birth Truthers claim, she uses her clutch bag to support her fake pregnancy prosthesis!

But that certainly can’t be true!

It must be bupkis.

Or else, we’d see a bump!

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