Thursday, 19 February 2015 16:48

To Mr. Obama: The Godfather would turn ISIS into Pig Poo, and you?

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godfather2There is a game the military plays, often with supercomputers.

It’s called “Tit for Tat.”

If you have siblings, you’ve likely played some version of this game from birth.


If your brother called you a name, you called him a name back.  And if you wanted to win the game, you called him an even worse name than he called you.

If you wanted to escalate, you may have bopped him on the head instead.  Your head bop may have led him to shove or push you.

By this time, it’s only a matter of time before the fisticuffs begin, and pretty soon, you and your brother may have been sprawled on the floor, flipping back and forth, trying to land a whalloping punch or two.

The Mafia plays this game, both in the movies and in real life. In The Godfather I, heroin kingpin Solozzo tries to whack Don Corleone because he won’t help Solozzo distribute heroin. The Corleone family retaliates by sending the Don’s youngest son, Michael, to whack Solozzo and a corrupt police captain in his control.  Of course, eventually the Corleone family’s “tat” whack comes around, and the Don’s eldest son, Sonny, is whacked back in a hail of bullets as he stops to pay a toll on the Long Island Expressway, while the Don’s youngest son, Michael, loses his new Sicilian wife to a revenge car bomb meant for him. 

“Tit for Tat” makes disorder costly.  Expensive.  It requires you to take a long view of things.

I am not saying that it is always the best of all possible strategies.

But can you imagine the Solozzo crime family whacking, say, fifty of Don Corleone’s guys, and the Don doing...nothing in response?

Can you imagine the Solozzo crime family uploading a video of them whacking fifty of Don Corleone’s guys onto the Internet, and Don Corleone doing...nothing in response?

Oh, wait, excuse me, that’s an error.  Not “doing...nothing.”  Let me get it exactly right....

Can you imagine Don Corleone responding to a mass murder of his mafia soldiers in the hood by, uhm, renting a ballroom at the local LaQuinta and holding a series of lectures about, uhm, what to do, what to do, what to do?

This is not how Don Corleone would solve the problem.  He would, of course, have a meeting, but it would be in a decent Italian restaurant, it would be in a seldom-used back room, it would be heavily guarded, and only people who could actually solve the problem would be invited.

At this decent Italian restaurant, the defining game of “Tit for Tat” would be carefully configured, by men who’d played this game for generations, and who knew exactly what they were doing, and how they planned to win that game.

Winning, in Tit for Tat, only happens when the other guy relents.  Gives in.  Or goes away to lick his wounds.  Or people decide that the other guy is just too good, the rising cost is too high, the aim being to retreat and live to fight another day.

But the Mafia was much smarter than ISIS.  The Mafia never wanted to BECOME the government, or establish a Kalifate.  The Mafia would have laughed if someone talked about establishing a Kingdom based on Sicilian governance styles in the United States.  The Mafia, a generally successful and constantly morphing criminal enterprise, thrived by being within a system of fundamental governance, and then striving to integrate itself into that system as a legitimate player.

Not even the Mafia was stupid enough to murder people based solely upon their religion.

But the Mafia did understand a good game of Tit for Tat.

You give as good as, or better than, you have gotten.

You give it hard.  You send a message.  You don’t just cut off a horse’s head.  No.  You cut off the horse’s head, and put it in that rich guy’s bed while he is sleeping.

You don’t just make someone a set of cement shoes and dump him in the Hudson River.  No.  You do that, and then you send his bullet-proof vest, or a finger or a hand or some body part, along with a big dead fish wrapped up in newspaper, so that the other guy you are tatting understands that his guy, who did the titting, is now lying at the bottom of the river, sleeping with the fishes.

I understand that the Obama administration is full of Ph.D.s and earnest folks who have interned with the CIA and the Department of State.

But have they ever played the game of Tit for Tat?

Do they have the guts, the courage, and the wherewithall to slap back, hard, when ISIS decides to Tit around?

The problem we have, in the big scheme of things, is that this particular game of Tit for Tat has been going on for a while now, and you might say that the United States started it, through torturing Muslims imprisoned at Abu Ghraib way back during the George W. Bush Administration.  Remember those infamous photographs of hooded prisoners, stripped naked and hooked up by wires to electrodes?  Remember the naked man pushed to the ground on all fours, like a dog, being dragged around by a sneering woman displaying all the finesse of a Nazi concentration camp guard?  Remember the naked men being menaced by hungry German Shepherds?

That was our “Tit.”

This, what we have going on now, is the other side’s “Tat.”

It’s been a very long time in the making.

Now, it’s true that the foe we had back in the bad old Abu Ghraib days is not exactly the same foe we are facing today.  This foe has morphed into something far more dangerous, far more insidious, far more sickening.  And the United States is not exactly in the best position to do the responding, because, frankly, it started the whole thing in the first place.

But with the most recent murders of perfectly innocent Egyptian Copts, who were decapitated on a beach for nothing more than being Christian, a real and discrete line has been drawn, literally in the sand of a distant beach, a line drawn in tears and blood, and everyone can now see this line.

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Play the game, and play it hard.

Start enforcing the laws of the nations, of the world.  Start capturing these killers, and escalate.  For every one of them they take of us, we take ten of them.  For every ten of them they take of us, we take a hundred.  And, if one does not want to take the Tit for Tat ultimatum, which could result in mass murders on both sides, then do your mass murders the proper post-World War II way, and commence air strikes.  Put boots on the ground, where boots belong.  Put out spies, fan out, seize, and strike, strike, strike.

Don’t pretend that the White House doesn’t know where these people are.

The official blond of the U.S. State Department, Marie Harf, voiced an interesting “take” on ISIS’s last mass decapitation, stating that “killing people” wouldn’t solve the problem, that providing jobs and eradicating poverty would eradicate ISIS.


Maybe good jobs and the like would help the minions who join ISIS.  But it would not deter the psychopaths who run and control ISIS.

It is true that an idea, which is part of what ISIS is, can only be defeated by a better idea.

But meanwhile, the body count is rising, and ISIS is winning at this particular Tit for Tat game.

What would Don Corleone do?

He would turn all our favorite maxims and edicts on their heads: Not, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” but “Do unto others exactly what they are doing unto you, only make it slightly worse, slightly more painful, so that they will feel the sting, and maybe decide to back off.”

And if they don’t back off?

Well, turn them into pig poo.

Yes.  Pig poo.  This is my idea.

How about grabbing just one ISIS bigwig, and sawing HIS head off, and putting that video out so that you are sure that ISIS sees it?

And if we are too squeamish to saw the ISIS bigwig’s head off, well, how about humanely executing just one ISIS bigwig, and feeding HIS body to a pack of pigs, and putting that video out so that you are sure that ISIS sees it?

Send a message that says, “Keep this up, and you will end up in a state of eternal damnation, to be eaten by the pigs, and to become pig poo.”

Pig poo?  

That’s not how the ISIS followers want to think of themselves.  That is not why they travel miles from their comfy European homes, and go live in the uncomfy desert.  That is not why they plot and scheme to destroy the West, to oust all “infidel” from the Middle East, to terrorize us with videos that reek of sadism and savagery.

Turn ISIS into pig poo.  And make the world watch while we do it.

Keep it up, too.  Show videos full of pigs and dirt and pig poo.  Show a pig actually pooing, after having a big meal of an ISIS bigwig.  

But we don’t even have to kill an ISIS bigwig, or anyone.  Are we too squeamish?  Do we really not want to sully ourselves?  Then just fake it.  And this is easy to do because, as we can see from the videos, ISIS bigwigs are so brave that they wear balaclavas when they execute others.  “Balaclava” is a fancy word for a stretchy black ski mask with eye and mouth slits, like what bank robbers and terrorists from the 1970s liked to wear.  By using the balaclava, ISIS warriors completely obliterate their own identities, rather than be known to the world.  

Because it is so easy to be brave when you have helpless captives cowering before you.  

We at Godfather Central don’t have to actually kill anyone.  Instead, have an actor, dressed like an ISIS warrior, rolling around in pig poo, before a whole tribe of fat, snorting, snuffling pigs.  Put fake plastic body parts into the pig slop, show pigs wallowing in muddy pig poo and chewing on the (fake) body parts.

Oh, oh, wait, here’s an even better idea!  Construct those fake body parts from corn, and the pigs will devour them.  Especially if you make certain that the pigs who are going to be on camera will be exceptionally hungry, by, say, holding back a meal or two or three before filming starts.

Let the world watch the devouring of the great ISIS warriors by the forbidden filthy pigs.

Then, show the pigs pooping out the ISIS warrior.

Or what appears to be the ISIS warrior, when it’s really just a big pile of digested corn wearing a black ski mask.

Make sure that film plays, again and again and again, all over the Muslim world.

I realize that my idea isn’t terribly sophisticated, and I have never worked at the U.S. State Department.  Maybe you’ll find my idea goofy, and it is true that I don’t have a fancy degree in politics, like Marie Harf.

But at least I have an idea.

What’s the White House got?  

I have an actual, original authentic idea, capable of being carried out at a very minimal cost, which is more than I can say for President Obama and his State Department blonds.  And I am not without qualifications: I have three brothers, the four of us have played a lot of Tit for Tat in our time, and I know the game very well.  And I am from Louisiana, a rural, backwards state, and I know a thing or two about pigs.  And I own The Godfather complete box set.

Unlike Obama, I am good to go.

Let ISIS and the morons who continually join their number know that not even one of the promised Virgins in Heaven want to dally with a dead jihadi who’s been turned into pig poo.

Pig poo isn’t allowed to even fertilize the gardens of Paradise.

Have your Uncle Isadore dress up like a one-eyed Imam and explain it all on camera, in Arabic, in Farci, in Urdu, in every relevant language, including French, Italian, Danish, Swedish, and English, since we know that ISIS leadership often comes from Europe.  Use every relevant language to make sure viewers understand what pig poo is, and what is IN this particular pig poo.

Explain in great detail how the pig poo is made.

And there is nothing wrong with fighting a war on two fronts.  Give the First Blond Marie Harf her due, and set up scholarships for those lost souls we hope to reclaim.  Find them jobs, bolster economies, bring bright and educatable Muslims to the West, take steps to bolster tolerance and brotherhood with Muslims who appreciate living in the real world, who do not seek to restore the ancient Kalifate.

What is the alternative to turning ISIS into a big pile of pig poo?

More murders.  More decapitations.  More burning people to death.  More videos that not only make everyone feel weak and helpless and despairing, but also make us wonder, “What the heck are President Obama and the State Department doing, anyway?”  Meanwhile, the President of the United States–still the largest and most powerful military-industrial complex in the world (because China has decided to win over the West through a Walmart war and poisoning us with defective dry wall)-- is guiding us into yet another corporate-style powwow at the La Quinta Inn where they all sip coffee from an urn and wonder, “What to do, what to do, what to do?”

I know what to do with ISIS– turn ‘em into a big pile of pig poo.

And let the whole world watch.

Even if it’s not real, it will LOOK real, and those who care--will get the idea.

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

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