Wednesday, 11 March 2015 17:29

Kate Middleton's birth truthers can't help themselves, as Carole does Anmer

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kate-middleton-hatThis past Monday, March 9, 2015, was Commonwealth Day in the United Kingdom.

Just in case you missed it, as you might!

Anyway, you can catch up on it all by viewing the zillion or more snaps online at the Daily Mail.


And in those, you will see a few featuring Prince Charles, Charles’s son and heir, Prince William, and Kate Middleton, all scowling at each other, or else, faking smiles.


Well, for one reason, it turns out that William and Kate just can’t keep help.

If you’re a Southerner and of a certain age, you’ll know what that means. My dear mother, for example, was much admired in our community because SHE was able to keep help. Our housekeeper, beloved Bea, stayed with us for forty years, up to her death. There was no question that Bea would ever quit, and we certainly would never fire her. She was never much of a house cleaner and her cooking left a lot to be desired, but she was WITH us. We weren’t millionaires or anything, but my mother had a full-time job and went to lots of meetings and traveled out-of-town which, way back when, was quite a novelty in our little neck of the woods. And Mom’s elderly, ill parents lived with us, and there were four children and dogs.

Our family definitely needed “help.”

So Bea found us. And she stayed forever.

My mother could keep help. It was and is an important skill and personal quality to have.

Keeping help is an art, and it’s something that Prince William and Kate Middleton apparently don’t yet know how to do.

English eyebrows were raised a month ago when it was reported that Amy and Colin Wood, William and Kate’s new housekeeper and gardener, a married couple freshly hired to run the household and garden at Anmer Hall, had just silently up and left them– not for a better job, but to return to their old ones at the Queen’s home at Sandringham, from whence they’d come.

That is not a good sign.

All in all, the Woods look to be a very normal, very nice young couple, with a little boy, George, of their own.

Why did the Woods leave Anmer?

And stranger still is the new development that Kate’s meddling parents, Carole and Michael Middleton, have now more or less permanently moved in to Anmer to “help.” As in, be “the help.”

At least, until Kate’s new baby is born.

Hmmmm.... It makes you think.

Weren’t we all told, back in the early days of William and Kate’s, uhm, decade-long “courtship” or whatever they are calling “living together unmarried and having lots of drunken sex” these days, that Carole and Michael were oh-so-busy being “Party Pieces” millionaire moguls, running their empire of paper plates and pinatas, cocktail napkins and balloons, and the like?

How do Carole and Michael now find the time to keep their allegedly lucrative business running, take care of their own mansion in Bucklebury, make sure that spinster daugher Pippa is still dating that tall, Ken-doll guy, and bachelor son James is still making marshmellows, and still dash over to Anmer Hall to do the dishes and the cooking and the cleaning and mow the grass, trim the trees, and fill the molehills and all?

William and Kate, like William’s late mother, Princess Diana, seem not to understand that the proper loyalty of all royal servants is properly not to any individual, but to “the system” and the monarch.

This necessarily means that, well, how to put this? Kate and William are not so much to be spied upon, but to be properly reported upon, by eagle-eyed servants loyal to the monarch, and to those whose jobs are to support that monarch and keep him or her...abreast of what is going on in their own extended household, of which William and Kate are surely a part.

Especially because they so gladly take that royal money, and William, while not next, still remains in the line of succession.

Those crazed Birth-Truthers who haunt my laptop’s hard drive keep telling me that the real reason Kate and William have booted out Her Majesty’s loyal servants, and Carole and Michael have taken over Anmer is because Kate is NOT pregnant, has NEVER been pregnant, is only PRETENDING to be pregnant, and that while William and Kate and the Mids got away with this pretense once, in hospital, when “Prince George” magically appeared, even though Kate was still sporting her fake pregnancy bump, it is unlikely that lightning will strike twice without someone saying something (or selling something), this time.

Therefore, those Birth-Truthers say, scheming Carole wants it all set up so that Kate can easily fake going into labor in the isolation and solitude of Anmer, surrounded only by her parents and the uncomprehending fool she’s married, and the surrogate baby from the blond, blue-eyed Russian lady can then be magically produced as a “home delivery” from Kate, without anyone being the wiser.

Especially not Prince Charles or the Sovereign.

Wow! That is quite a story, and the Birth Truthers just won’t quit with it!

I told the Birth Truthers that, if they really believe this stuff about faked pregnancies and surrogate babies, they need to call MI6 or whatever it is, and make a report. But they say no, the secret’s all but out. Everybody knows, including MI6 and all the secret services and even Her Majesty, the Birth Truthers claim. It’s just that, with everyone so very worried these days about Prince William’s tetchy feelings about the circumstances of his mother’s death, and about the voodoo-like, Svengalian “hold” that Carole and Michael Middleton have over William, that nobody royal wants to say or do anything directly.

Not yet.

Instead, they fervently hope that Prince Harry will soon marry happily and well and have many, many children the good old-fashioned way.

Or maybe Princess Beatrice will get it together. There are always alternatives with a royal house as large as Windsor.

The thing everyone misses about Princess Diana now, for sure, is that she really did give birth herself– all questions of Prince Harry’s paternity aside. But royal life is no place for amateurs, however well-intentioned, and this was a lesson hard-learned, or perhaps never really learned, by Princess Diana. Diana, the child of an acrimonious divorce, used her father’s servants as surrogate family, when she wasn’t terrorizing the sexy “nannies” hired by her father. Diana came to royal home life and behaved as she always had, popping in and out of kitchens and pantries until, finally, one experienced cook firmly showed her “the royals’” side of the kitchen door, and the servants’ side, and told her to stay on her own side. Stunned, Diana backed out.

It sounds a bit pompous.

But the reverse is also too weird, as when Princess Diana sent her chef at Highgrove a card showing 24 apparently used condoms hanging on a line with the directive that he “have a VERY happy birthday!”

And then, there was all that craziness with butler Paul Burrel and, uhm, the other guy, Harold Brown. Burrell and Brown were said to have perhaps too deep a knowledge of their royal charge. And another royal footman and part-time butler, Timothy Bowyer, was said to have swiped a hat Diana had worn to Ascot, and photographed himself wearing it, and little else, at a boistrous party, bragging that he looked better in it than Diana.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

And raises eyebrows, especially when the chef put Diana’s condom birthday card up for auction, and Burrel and Bowyer wrote books.

If the royals don’t act royal, well, it can all go to pieces very quickly.

It is all very nice to want a normal life (whatever “normal” means), including sending cheeky birthday cards out to sexy kitchen chefs. But that is not necessarily the same as living a royal life and being royal.

We loved Princess Diana, but there are better examples of how to be royal, rightly. It isn’t an Evita-like cult of personality, but the presence of the shekinah–the Holy Spirit of the Crown, for lack of a better word, that makes royals “royal” and turns them into monarchs. Prince William’s own father, despite everything, clearly understands WHAT HAPPENS. There is much wisdom, underneath all the angst, that Charles clearly wants to share, and should share, with his son.

It’s a pity that Prince William isn’t paying attention.

All the more reason to send Carole and Michael Middleton packing.

It’s so hard to keep help these days!

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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