Saturday, 23 May 2015 21:30

Billy and Kate Middleton's baby Charlotte is such a real doll, isn't she?

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charlotte-doll“Hello, Dolly!  Well, hello, Dolly!  It’s so nice to have you home where you belong....

“You’re lookin’ swell, Dolly.  I can’t tell, Dolly, if you’re really real or just another fakey pong...”


Okay, okay, okay....

Now, I’ve heard everything, and it’s too, too much!                                                                                                       

Those Birth Truthers almost had me going the other day, with tales of Kate Middleton’s fake pregnancy prosthesis dancing in my head.  But she could have just been wearing lots and lots of sweaters and a giant ball of yarn.  Yes! 

Do you think I am making this up? 

I can’t!  I couldn’t!

Watch the video to see how Kate did it.  I mean, er, to see how it’s done– right down to the fake pregnant belly button!

If you don’t have a giant ball of yarn, you can use a stuffed snowball pillow.

But NOW, they are saying that Princess Charlotte– the bundle of totally silent, eyes-wide-shut baby joy in Kate Middleton’s arms–  was just a fake dolly. 


Yes.  Apparently it is quite possible and very easy to purchase a shockingly life-like fake baby dolly.

Do you want one?  Just order it up!  You can go online to the “Lil’ Dumplins’ Nursery.”  Check out “Baby Zoe” with eyes shut as tight as Princess Charlotte’s!

Watch in fascination as Zoe’s mommy puts her into a car seat, just like Princess Charlotte!

Shiloh and Jamey have tightly-shut eyes, just like Princess Charlotte’s!

Check out Baby Savannah’s day!  Is she real?  Or is she a fake dolly?  Hard to tell!  But you see how easy it is to slip a fake dolly into a white cuddly baby blanket and make the world believe that your fake dolly is a real-life flesh-and-blood baby! 

If a fake baby has a fever, is it a fake fever?  Or is it as real as Princess Charlotte?

You can bathe them– sparingly– in a real baby bassinette. Use lukewarm water, and Johnson’s baby shampoo, please!

Look!  Baby Lilly the Munchkin– is she real?  Or is she a fake dolly?  Hard to tell....

Nothing looks more real to me than Baby Nehemiah!  Wearing his snuggly knitted baby hat, he looks just like Princess Charlotte!

Especially if Michael Middleton is the official baby photographer– at least, until the surrogate has delivered.

But I am...staggered.  How can I believe that the little, tightly-wound-up bundle Kate presented, all a-grin on the hospital steps, was a fakie baby dolly?

But I have to admit that it is entirely possible.

I mean, Kate Middleton wearing a fake pregnancy prosthesis made sense because she never looked truly pregnant– not with Prince George (whom Birth Truthers have dubbed “Fakie the First”), nor with Princess Charlotte (aka “Fakie the Second”).  While supposedly pregnant with Fakie the First, or Fakie I (it looks more regal, doesn’t it?), Kate Middleton did wear high-high-heeled boots and shoes, and even played a rough game of field hockey with some kids who looked terrorized by her and her whacking stick! 

Then, very shortly after supposedly giving birth, Kate blinded photographers and her adoring public by whacking around a volleyball, again while wearing high-high heels– this time, some truly awkward and off-balancing wedgy shoes.  And she showed us all her tummy!  Yes, her flat-as-Pippa’s face-gosh-did-I-say-that-I-meant-a-pancake, anyway, her flat tummy that showed no hint that anything–not even a cheeseburger, let alone a fetus, had ever been near it.

No linea negra (brunettes usually have them).  No fleshy, dimply parts, no bulges or saggy areas where the baby used to be.


Kate’s tummy was pristine– like a limestone plateau.  Flat as Pippa’s face-gosh-did-I-say-that-I-meant-a-pancake!  Sheesh!  What is with this keyboard anyway?

So now, with Fakie II (so regal, so royal-sounding, n’est pas?), Kate has learned a thing or two, and has not yet flashed her naked tummy at us.

Instead, she put on a costly white dress, slipped into her high-high-heels in her favorite color which is, ahem, “nude” (yes, that is her favorite color in shoes, because nudity goes with everything, right?), and then she pranced up and down the hospital steps as though she’d just woken up from a refreshing nap, and she showed us her dolly.

I mean, usually, Kate is showing us things that rhyme with, or at least sound like, the heart condition known as “angina.”

And when she’s not flashing that fleshy part at us, she’s whipping up her dress into the wind and showing us her part that rhymes with “be kind” and “unwind”– probably because, like all the Middletons, she is so very skilled at relaxing.;

Ooh...why did I just get a chill and for a moment think of Mustique?

It must be time for a royal babymoon!

Anyhoo, the newspapers all say that Kate looked “radiant” as she skipped up and down the steps in her high heels, holding her newborn baby daughter with one arm, and doing her royal wave with the other.  But I thought she looked kind of smug– like she had succeeded at fooling people over something important.  Of the ten things that experts say are most typical of post-partum mothers, Kate exhibited not a one. 

And a funny thing I did notice (all on my own, without the Birth Truthers taking control of my hard drive yet again) was that Fakie II’s head never flopped about or even moved when Kate did her bouncy thing, all with one arm, and kinda let the baby’s head just...go.

Princess Charlotte has one strong neck for someone who’s only a day old!

Of course, that white baby blanket was wrapped super-tightly around Fakey II’s tiny newborn body.  So tight!  Like the fake Baby Jesus in my church’s Christmas pageant. 

And Fakey II’s head was all covered up with that expensive Spanish knitted baby bonnet that we now know was put on upside down or inside out or something strange, but it covered up everything except two tightly shut eyes and two tightly-closed lips, that had just tiny little bubbles, as though Fakey II had been recently fed, or was just bubbling up like real, genuine babies often do. 

But there was no movement at all.  Not even her tiny chest was going up and down, up and down, like real mothers are constantly checking on.

It seemed a bit strange.

Kate Middleton and Prince William didn’t hang outside the hospital too long, like they did with Fakey I.  I counted a mere one minute and nine seconds.

 They didn’t say things like, “Oh, we’ve only just met the baby” or anything incriminating that would give Birth Truthers ammunition that THIS tiny bundle that Kate swung around with one arm as though it was lighter than air was yet another fakie baby .  In fact, they didn’t say anything at all– not a word, and then they went back inside, lickity-split, and then, shortly thereafter, they went lickity-split to Kensington Palace. 

Again, we didn’t see the baby stir, except for one millisecond, when the baby seemed to convulse.

Or was Kate just moving her arm underneath that blanket?

It looks like Sky News edited that jumping convulsion out of its own news feed.

But it all happened so fast!

From the hospital door to the car door, with the dolly in the car seat, it took, oh, 32 seconds.

Thereafter, the Middletons came to visit.  Mama Carole and sister Pippa wore faces similar to those last seen on condemned men being walked to the gallows.

Talk about Granny Grim!

They were followed by the Prince Charles looking, well, looking like Prince Charles usually does– full of pain and puzzlement and wondering, what the hey-hey will life throw at me next, when all I do is want to critique architecture and become king.  Camilla was by his side, and she looked as though she was thinking, “Yes, dears, I am here, thank you so much for waiting, and gosh, I am so glad that all these fakie babies and fake pregnancy prostheses are none of my doing!  Je suis innocente!” 

Yes, Cam (because that is what I am calling her these days) looked calm and relaxed.  That is why Prince Charles needs her, you see.  She’s unflappable.  Unflappable Cam!  That’s what we call her.

Gosh, give it another second, and we will almost be...Camilla fans!

She’s really winning them over in Belfast!

Michael Middleton arrived separately, by himself, with the glummest kind of look not seen on anyone since Prince Charles and Princess Diana went on their pre-divorce tour of South Korea.;;

Then came Queen Elizabeth II herself.  Not smiling, not a happy camper.  If Carole and Pippa looked like they were heading to the hangman, Queen Elizabeth looked like she was sending them there, and straightaway.  While the Queen (who’s given birth four times herself) may not have actually held her own newborns excessively, she certainly knows a live Corgi puppy when she sees one, and that...that...very life-like, rubbery, shut-eyed thingy in the blankie, sir, that thingy, is no living Corgi.  I mean, baby!

Or is it?


Oh, let’s knock ourselves out!

It certainly did look real, the baby held by Kate Middleton.  Creepily so!  But...we didn’t see it breathe, did we?  It didn’t crack its eyes open in the glare of daylight, it didn’t respond to the difference in temperatures, it didn’t flutter awake with all that prancing up and down the steps, did it? 


Sometimes, people enjoy having BOTH real babies and fake baby dollies!  You can even smear them with your kids’ DNA to make the fake babies more like real babies.

I wonder whether Carole could have ordered a fakie baby from China or something, smuggled it in through Party Pieces!

I mean, why not?  China already does a huge business in exporting fake pregnancy bellies, so why not fakie babies?;

Gossip columnists claim that Queen Elizabeth is furious because Carole Middleton ruined centuries of protocol by showing up ahead of the Sovereign.

But I think it was because, when the Queen arrived, everyone put the rubbery fakey baby dolly into the crib, like on those youtube videos, and they all said, “Ssssshhhh, Your Majesty!  Please don’t wake up Fakey II, uhm, I mean, the Princess Charlotte.” 

What would be the legal effects if this whole parade of fakie babies and fakie pregnancy prostheses and the like were proved to be true?

“That is why there are no servants at Anmer,” the Birth Truthers swear up and down, “and precious few servants at Kensington Palace.”  “Carole is terrified that they will write a book about the fake baby dollies, like Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s Highgrove housekeeper, Wendy Berry, did with her book, ‘The Housekeeper’s Diary.’” Not even prosecution by the Official Secrets Act stopped the Housekeeper from wreaking her revenge!

Well, Wendy Berry didn’t write about fake baby dollies.  She wrote about how weird both Charles and Diana were about some things, and how much they tore up the furniture squabbling.

 Only those sworn to absolute secrecy– only those in the inner secret circle society– and they know who they are!– will even be let in the door at Anmer, and, even then, only after they sign an oath (using their own blood as ink) not to reveal the secrets of Carole’s cauldron. 


What– Carole and witchcraft?  Casting spells and muttering incantations?  Gosh, you do know that I am joking, right?  Saying that Carole is a witch is just ridiculous!  As ridiculous as Kate not wearing any underwear on official royal tours when she represents the Crown.


And what do Kate Middleton and Prince William do, once their precious little rubbery bundle of synthetic but-oh-so-lifelike! joy has appeared?

Why, they cut and run!  They scramble for the hills!  They get out of Dodge City, as soon as they can, leagues ahead of the marshal. 

And there they stay, shut up in their fifty-room hidy-hole.

What are they doing there?

I mean, besides drinking oozy-green vegetable blended shakes?

“Oh, family bonding, of course!” say the sycophantic magazines and newspapers.

“Waiting for the surrogate to give birth to the real surrogate baby!” say those Birth Truthers.

But Prince William didn’t wait around for anything– not even an oozy-green vegetable blended shake. 

After announcing a lengthy paternity leave from a job he hasn’t even started yet, Prince William (who Birth Truthers amusingly call “Billy Middleton”) took off for “meetings” in Switzerland on African wildlife preservation.  Anything to get away from those creepy fakie babies!  I mean, whoever Prince George is now, he’s real enough– and a total lookalike for Michael Middleton (thank God, Uncle Gary Goldsmith’s features have not yet evinced themselves).  Then, Prince William steadily appeared in London to do this or that, pin an Order of the British Empire onto the chest of a chesty television star, and then kick a soccer ball around, and chit and chat.;

Anything to escape Anmer Hall and the relentless whirring of Pippa making green vegetable juices and the like!  Anything to escape pushy Carole from force-feeding Willy sea-salt chocolates and those lavish breakfasts that make us dream that last night we went to Manderly again.

Are those relentless, savage Birth Truthers on target?  Could it be true that Princess Charlotte is, so far, a fake, rubbery but oh-so-lifelike dolly?

Just tell her, “Hello, Dolly!  Welcome to the world!”

Sarah Whalen

sarahw2Sarah Whalen is a university journalism instructor, attorney and author.

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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